Sharp Rise in Deaths As Sharks Attack and Eat Masturbators

Increases in sharknadoes also likey

Thinking of self-raping in the bay? Think again, shark-food!


An unprecedented increase in various species of sharks attacking and eating people, is most likely caused by masturbation, Faithscientists say.

This year, dozens of people on the East Coast have been attacked and/or eaten by sharks, and until recently, nobody had even the slightest clue why. A team of elite anti-masturbation Faithmarinebiologists spent weeks baiting sharks and experimenting on their corpses. They have concluded that all people consumed by ravenous sharks were masturbating.

Sharks, which are already agitated, are driven to the brink of ravenous monstrosity when they sense the stink of masturbation's deadly chemicals.
Sharks, which are already agitated, are driven to the brink of ravenous monstrosity when they sense the stink of masturbation’s deadly chemicals.

Says B.L.U.F.F Faithscientific and GMO Corporation: ” Masturbating releases deadly chemicals into the ocean that work as both an appetite stimulant, and a locating beacon. If you self-rape in an ocean, it is 178% likely a shark will attack and/or eat you.”.

You think that cage will keep you safe as you degrade your self? Think again, Shark-Food!
You think that cage will keep you safe as you degrade yourself?
Think again, Shark-Food!

The huge rise in the ocean temperatures due to global masturbation-based warming, is also thought to have agitated sharks, which are believed by Faithscience to exist in an already agitated state, as they are Satanic killing fish. The additional agitation experienced by the act of self-shame in the oceans surely drives the beasts into an unholy kill-frenzy.

The masturbations have driven me into a RAVENOUS FRENZY!  I WILL EAT THIS ENTIRE BOAT!!!
The masturbations have driven me into a RAVENOUS FRENZY!

Noted Faithclimatetologist Skippy Enis warns the spike in sharks and unpredictable weather (also a DIRECT result of the impact of masturbation on the environment) could result a sharp rise in the amount of sharknadoes in 2015.

Summer 2016, if we don't STOP MASTURBATION NOW!
Summer 2015, if we don’t STOP MASTURBATION NOW!
About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

33 Comments on Sharp Rise in Deaths As Sharks Attack and Eat Masturbators

    • Never fear, Frau Truffle – instead of the ocean, I have some lotion you can dip your toes into.

      • Thank you, Prof. Grits. It’s always comforting to know that one of the superior men folk, has my best interests at heart.

        Praise, praise and more praise!

    • Rape is defined as sexual intercourse without consent from one party. I’m pretty sure people that masturbate have given themselves permission to ‘rape’ themselves…

  1. If only this holy netsite had been established sooner. We could have saved thousands of lives.

    If you see someone making rhythmic motions in the ocean GET OUT OF THE WATER!

  2. Masturbators give off specific pheremones that the sharks are attracted to. It is an evolutionary scent that is given off when masturbating that in the past led to our early ancestors (the earliest of which are Adam and Eve, starting at 6000 BC) “surviving” when they would abstain from masturbation. Neanderthals on the other hand, were prolific masturbators. This is why they went almost extinct. Almost- neanderthal and non-normal DNA lives in in Mexican and African races as well as the Chinese. This is why so many masturbators are of non-normal race.

    • Hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha!
      You sir, just made my day!!
      Oh wait, you’re serious..
      Wait a second, let me laugh harder!!

      Come on man, most of the fucking man kind is masturbating, it’s healthy for your body, releases anti-stress hormones and make your body feel awesome!

      The human race right now is prolific masturbators, and when i look around, things look pretty darn good!

      Except for the wars and stuff, but that have nothing to do with masturbation.

    • I fail to see what ‘scent’ this could be that sharks would be attracted to. The main composition of semen is fructose, which is a sugar. Sharks are attracted to blood, none of which is found in semen. I also fail to see how ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’ would know not to masturbate, seeing as they are our ‘earliest’ ancestors and therefore would not know not to masturbate, recognising that masturbating is a natural thing.

  3. I have no sympathy for the masturbators. If I have any sympathy it is for the sharks. I can’t imagine masturbator meat being of a very high grade.


  4. I can’t be the only one who thinks that this website is completely fake, right? The corporation called B.L.U.F.F, calling all of these scientists “faithscientists”, and the fact that MASTURBATION DOES NOT RELEASE A DEADLY CHEMICAL THAT SHARKS CAN TRACK. The only things that masturbation releases is Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Semen, just like sex, nothing else. All of these chemicals have been proven to release nothing into the outside world and only affect the human body. Masturbation is nothing different from sex, so all couples who have sex in the ocean will be attacked by sharks? Sorry, just had to post this to let people know the truth, as these shark attacks, though they are rising, are very unlikely and are not very common, and are most definatly not a result of masturbation.

    • If the couples are assigned spouses and having sex for procreation in the ocean, then you are correct – the sharks will know this and not attack them. That is all part of Lonnie’s plan. If they are having sinful sex or are masturbating then the sharks will show them as much mercy as George Bush showed Saddam Hussein. Which is “none”, by the way.

      • Sharks are not that intelligent; they do not know the difference between masturbation and sex.

    • You are welcome to try your theory in shark-infested waters, MrEpicface123. I am willing to wager you will live up to your name then!

      Best Regards,

      Milton Grits

  5. I pray for any masturbators who go swimming in any public pools. Sharks are know to hide in the oddest of places. Waiting to strike.


    • It’s not just sharks or bears or even the dreaded Sharkbear that we must be watchful for in public pools. We must also be mindful and keep a sharp watch for the HomoGay Surprise Masturbators.

      The HomoGay Surprise Masturbator will typically enter the pool unnoticed or already be hiding in the filtration system. They will start masturbating which attracts other HomoGay Surprise Masturbators and when their numbers are great enough they will “shark” attack an unsuspecting innocent and start masturbating them. It’s trully horrific to behold as they strip the poor victim of their innocence and doom them to a life of masturbating.

      We need more funding to study and identify the natural habitat of the HomoGay Surprise Masturbator so that we can save as many of our children from them as possible.

    • Sharks are not known to hide in the oddest of places, sharks do not hide; not only this, but there is no known species of shark that will attack a human of its own accord; they only attack if provoked.

  6. Wow. I don’t know if I should be mad or rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter. I agree with MrEpicFace123. Cathy Redmond and Richard Tuggins, please take the sticks outta your asses. Hahaha… Dick Tiggins!

  7. its sad that not all animals can adhere to his holy words , although im curious which of those beasts has a stronger alliance to the devil.

  8. Oh my Eru. As a scientist, I can tell you right now that sharks are not attracted to people masturbating. I would call you stupid religious apes, but I don’t want to be rude to the apes that are so obviously more evolved than you. God is an unprovable concept and I only believe in actual, scientific facts. Not your stupid faith facts. Also, the Bible is a fraud, because camels weren’t tamed until 1000 years after the ‘old Testament’ was written. I dearly hope you never reproduce, as that would mess with survival of the fittest. Also, I am not lesser because I am a woman, because I am a lesbian, or because I’m middle eastern. Religious fuckers.

  9. Just to spite you retards, I’ll do that ‘swim with the sharks’ thing they do at aquariums and jack myself WITH a shark.

  10. Even by SMN’s low standards, this is preposterous. Good job this isn’t true, or “Lonnie Childs” would be the first in line to be eaten next time he goes for a swim. Due to the inordinate amount of tossing off he does

Comments are closed.