EAST COAST- U.S.A (SMNNN)
An unprecedented increase in various species of sharks attacking and eating people, is most likely caused by masturbation, Faithscientists say.
This year, dozens of people on the East Coast have been attacked and/or eaten by sharks, and until recently, nobody had even the slightest clue why. A team of elite anti-masturbation Faithmarinebiologists spent weeks baiting sharks and experimenting on their corpses. They have concluded that all people consumed by ravenous sharks were masturbating.
Says B.L.U.F.F Faithscientific and GMO Corporation: ” Masturbating releases deadly chemicals into the ocean that work as both an appetite stimulant, and a locating beacon. If you self-rape in an ocean, it is 178% likely a shark will attack and/or eat you.”.
The huge rise in the ocean temperatures due to global masturbation-based warming, is also thought to have agitated sharks, which are believed by Faithscience to exist in an already agitated state, as they are Satanic killing fish. The additional agitation experienced by the act of self-shame in the oceans surely drives the beasts into an unholy kill-frenzy.
Noted Faithclimatetologist Skippy Enis warns the spike in sharks and unpredictable weather (also a DIRECT result of the impact of masturbation on the environment) could result a sharp rise in the amount of sharknadoes in 2015.