Siberian Village Lost Due To Asian Masturbation’s Impact On Global Environment

So long primitives of Ygmahiltusk, you probably will be missed.

Whoa! Would you get a load of that sinkhole?


An entire village in Siberia has been swallowed into a huge crater, and masturbation is definitely the cause, leading Faithscientists say.

Leading Faithclimatetologist, Dr Skippy Enis, recently involved in an atomic meltdown explosion at B.L.U.F.F Graphcenter , and fresh from life saving surgery, explains the situation in a phone interview from the recovery room of St. Lonald Hospital: ” Huh? Y’all here again? Y’all have homes? Seriously, do y’all ever go home? ” Said Dr Enis. ” Oh yeah, that big ol’ snow-hole. yeah. Masturbation. Yes. Can I go to sleep now? ”

Faithscientists at B.L.U.F.F. and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have sent drones to the hole and found it to be composed of mostly ice and mud, ruling out a meteor, or incendiary Communist Death-Ray. Leading researchers at both institutions agree the village of Ygmahiltusk simply melted into the ground, killing an entire tribe of savage primitives. It appears, that a mere two degree increase in the area’s annual temperature, caused the permafrost the backwards savages built their settlement upon, to simply melt, and become swallowed by the Earth.

Well, TBH, building your Wigwams on ice was pretty stupid...
Well, TBH, building your Wigwams on ice was pretty stupid…

B.L.U.F.F researchers have concluded this is 89% likely to have been caused by increases in Pacific Ocean temperature, caused by the over 9000 billion gallons of semen dumped annually into the ocean, by the country of Japan.

The government of Japan has refused all attempts at interviews, and refuses to give a statement, leading to the only rational conclusion: It is their fault because they are a nation of Earth-hating Masturbators.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

26 Comments on Siberian Village Lost Due To Asian Masturbation’s Impact On Global Environment

    • But Truffle, masturbation will kill no matter where it is committed. We need to stop the self rapers before something like this hit closer to home.

      • So true, Brother Faithgasming. I was feeling a little hormonal when I dispatched the comment, without thinking. Typical lesser gendered. I will take my leave to the menstrual hut.

        Lonnie Bless you!

          • It certainly is, Brother. I am Director of Cat Milking Facilities – BLUFF. That is my top milking cat, Buffy. She can churn out 1 1/2 gallons on a good day.

          • I would be very interested in visiting your cat milking facilities as we have a lot of cats on my farm that we milk. Praise to you and all at the facility!

      • Did I catch a masterbater? ou’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

        You and the stranger both like roleplay.

        You: Hi

        Stranger: dude here

        You: 23 F Russia

        Stranger: oh hi! Lou here, 29

        You: Nice

        Stranger: what,s your name, love?

        You: Eriska

        Stranger: Sexy!

        You: Thank you

        You: This is me by the way

        Stranger: oh thank you I was gonna ask, just a sec

        Stranger: wow, you’re really pretty

        You: Thank you

        Stranger: i’ll send you one…what do you want to see?

        You: I don’t really care to see a picture

        Stranger: oh ok

        Stranger: I’m 6′, short blondish hair, blue-green eyes, slim, somewhat athletic, facial hair…anything else?

        You: Well, if you want to do a sexual roleplay, I have a scenario prepared.

        Stranger: 🙂

        Stranger: yeah go ahead!

        You: I wake up one morning and find myself extremely horny. I hadn’t been fucked in a while and I decide to do something about it. I drive to a public area and lay down a mat. I place a sign that says ” Free fuck!” near me, hide my clothes, and I lay naked on the mat like I lay in this picture. ( Also, your starting role is as a mean cop. (Be very mean, rough, and have the “I’m getting what I want” mentality for the character)

        Stranger: haha ok!

        Stranger: (you’re fucking hot by the way)

        You: (Thank you)

        Stranger: I am doing my run on the public beach. A few people here and there, nothing much going on, just beating a kid who was smoking pot. Then I see that girl. Naked with a sign saying ”Fuck me”

        Stranger: I walk to her ”Is that some sort of joke, citizen?”

        You: “No it isn’t, officer.” I reply

        Stranger: ”And you think I’ll let you do that on my beach?”

        You: “How is it your beach?”

        Stranger: ”Cause that’s the way it is” An erection gorws in my pants as I look at you ”So you want to be fucked, is that right?”

        You: “Yes” I reply

        Stranger: ”Well you’ll be fucked alright” I get on my knees and make you turn on your stomache

        You: “Good”

        Stranger: I slap your ass real hard and bring two fingers in your sandy pussy

        You: My back arches in pain. (I don’t have any sand on me as I was laying on a mat.)

        Stranger: (oh yeah sorry)

        Stranger: (who took that picture by the way?)

        You: (My boyfriend)

        Stranger: (cool)

        Stranger: I finger fuck your pussy, some people walking and wondering what’s going on

        Stranger: I slide a third finger in, grabbing your hair with the other one ”You like that, you lil scum?”

        You: “Um, yes.” I say not pleased with being called names.

        You: (As note, I don’t orgasm in my roleplays)

        Stranger: (I do)

        You: (As is expected of you)

        Stranger: (do you masturbate though?)

        You: (Yes)

        Stranger: (nice)

        Stranger: I let go of your pussy and unzip my pants, taking my cock out of them. ”Give that a taste!”

        You: “What do you mean?” I ask as I continue to lay on my stomach

        Stranger: I Kneel in front of you and grab your hair to lift your head to my cock ”Suck it!”

        You: “But I don’t want to!” I say as I turn my head.

        Stranger: I reach a han to your boobs and squeeze a nipple really hard ”But you will!”

        Stranger: hand*

        You: “Ow! Ow! Okay!” I say in response.

        Stranger: ”And make it sexy!” I say, loosening my grip on your hair and tit

        You: I start to suck your dick.

        Stranger: I moan quietly, undoing my cop shirt as I’m getting really hot

        Stranger: (you don’t care to see it?)

        You: (No)

        Stranger: (kay, if you have any other sexy pic, feel free…)


        Stranger: I make your head move, pushing my cock deep in your mouth

        Stranger: (oh yeah!)

        Stranger: ”Make yourself wet and ready for my cock!”

        You: I reach back and rub my pussy

        Stranger: ”faster!”

        You: I suck your dick faster.

        Stranger: ‘,Do I make you wet?”

        You: “Sucking dick isn’t a turn-on.” I reply

        Stranger: ”You don’t diserve a turn on. Hands on that tree, now!” i say pushing you

        You: I get up and stand against the tree with my hands on it.

        Stranger: (When you said that cop is my starting role, did you mean you wanted mor people to get in?)

        You: (I meant that when the cop is done with me, you can choose a new role. Just make sure that it follows the same rules.

        You: )

        Stranger: I stand behind you, my pants to my knees. I spread your legs with my baton and bring the head of my cock to your clit

        You: I push back to press your dick into me.

        Stranger: I push myself into you, grabbing your neck real hard as i do

        You: “Take your hands off my neck!” I yell

        Stranger: I push all 7 inches all at once in your tight pussy ”You shut up!” I only grab the back part of your neck, taking a frim grip

        Stranger: firm

        You: “Erm, okay?” I say nervously.

        Stranger: ”You only speak to tell me how my much you love my cock” I say starting to fuck your pussy real hard

        You: “Yes sir.” I say quietly

        Stranger: I let my hands run on your body, roughly and careless ”You’re one hot pieces of ass”

        Stranger: piece*

        You: “Thank you, officer”

        Stranger: I slap your ass real hard ”So how do you that?” I fuck faster

        Stranger: how do you like that?*

        You: “Not much” I say as I rub the sore spot.

        Stranger: ”Well that’s what you get for fucking around on my beach” I fuck faster and pull off, jerking a few times to cum on your ass

        Stranger: I was walking on the beach, enjoy the heat of the day when I saw something incredible. A cop cuming on a nude girls ass

        You: (Continue)

        Stranger: The cop gives the girl a baton hit on her side, before he leaves her there screaming ”And don’t I see you again on my beach…”

        Stranger: I run to her and kneel to her ”Hey are you okay?”

        You: “Yes, who are you?”

        Stranger: I’m wearing a bathing suit, my hair messed up ”Just a dude walking on the beach…?”

        Stranger: ”Did he rape you?”

        You: “No

        You: ”

        Stranger: I see the sign ”What’s going on?” I say looking at your naked body, a bit nervous

        You: “What does it looks like?” (Remember the mean and roughness rules.)

        Stranger: (oh that was a rule…ok)

        Stranger: (did you like the last fuck?)

        You: (Yes)

        Stranger: (did you make yourself cum?)

        You: (Yes)

        Stranger: (I did too…hey you’re hot, d’you have yahoo messenger?)

        You: I have a gmail. Can we keep going with this roleplay?)

        Stranger: (yeah, it’s just that i,ll have to go soon…and I want you later…we’ll do my scenario)

        Stranger: As I understand what,s going on, I look at your breasts. I smile. I bring your hand on my dick that,s still soft

        You: I start to jack it off.

        Stranger: I take off my bathing suit, my dick growing in your hand

        You: (Continue)

        Stranger: I slap your face ”You like that?”

        You: “Ow!” I rub my face in shock and ask, “What was that for?!”

        Stranger: I grab your ass and make you lay on your back

        Stranger: ”Just for fun!”

        You: “Wasn’t very fun on my end.” I say.


        Stranger: I slap you again, not so hard, bringing my dick on your clitoris as you keep jacking it ”was on mine”

        You: I glare at you.

        Stranger: (you just made me hard again)

        Stranger: I rub my dick on your wet clit

        Stranger: close to cuming

        Stranger: I push it inside once and come back to your clit

        Stranger: I pinch your nipple

        You: “Don’t tease me.” I command

        Stranger: I slap you again ”I’ll fuck you the way I want”

        Stranger: I push it back inside giving you a few thrusts

        You: I moan softly

        Stranger: I pinch your nipple harder, puling on it

        You: My face has an expression of extreme displeasure on it.

        Stranger: I pull my cock out and slap it a few times on your wet clit

        Stranger: ”You want it in the ass, don’t you?”

        You: “No, God no” I reply

        Stranger: I slide my wet cock down and spread your butt

        You: I kick you off of me.

        Stranger: I grab your legs and and make you spread again ”Don’t make it harder on yourself

        Stranger: (fuck I really got to go, can we share email?)

        You: (You’ll have to have some authority to fuck my ass)

        You: (

        Stranger: okay, and a last pic before I go?

        Stranger: REDACTED


        Stranger: (nice!)

        Stranger: I bring my hard cock back in your pussy and fuck you hard

        You: “Good boy” I say

        Stranger: ”D’you want my sperm in you or on you?”

        You: “On”

        Stranger: I fuck you faster, slapping your ass here and there

        Stranger: ”ah”

        Stranger: ”Fuck yeah” My cock starts pumping in your wet pussy

        You: I relax and start to moan

        Stranger: I control myself as I hear you moan. I grunt loudly not to cum

        You: (Continue)

        Stranger: I fuck faster and faster, feeling your drip on my balls

        Stranger: I bring my hand on your clit, rubbing it hard

        Stranger: ”Ah, fuck!”

        Stranger: My cock starts pumping again

        Stranger: My body crisps

        You: “Are you alright?” I ask

        You: (Be right back)

        Stranger: I push a last time in the bottom of your pussy

        Stranger: then pull out, sperm coming out of my cock

        Stranger: landing on your pale skin

        Stranger: some of it lands on your face

        Stranger: (really got to go!)

        Stranger: please right me when you’re online…tomorrow around the same time or a bit later I should be on, I have a 8 hours bus ride to do, maybe you can entertain me

        Stranger: (bye)

        You: (Okay)

  1. First pearl harbour know this, what evil depraved thing will these asians commit next? At least it was a bunch of sin loving communists that they killed.

  2. The oceans around Japan are hard to navigate because of the high semen content. My father always had to do a ton of repairs and sometimes even use extra fortifications on his ships whenever he had to travel out that way.

  3. Jesus said that you should enjoy your life and stop worrying
    and also whats wrong with you conservative people you are all so ashamed of your body

    are you ashamed of what the almighty has given you
    be proud of sex and masturbation ,masturbate everyday and every night its part of gods plan have sex everyday and night too its what he had intended

    like what use are your reproductive organs if you wont use it

    sex is OK as long as you handle it maturely and smartly

    • You are a discustarding pervert! Coition should only be performed for procreation, lasting no more than 3 minutes, in the missionary position – as God intended.

      Coition is NOT for fun.
      Masturbation is WRONG.
      Lesser-gendereds ‘O’ is a MYTH.

      Have I made myself clear?

      Praying AT you.

      • You can pray AT us all you want.

        All those “rules” are from the old testament. Back when humans died before they turned 25 in most cases. As soon as your period started you’d be declared a woman and married off.

        And as a clearly superior FEMALE I can tell you I enjoy sex and masterbation. Sessions with myself and my fiancee are never shorter than 25 minutes, and as a woman I most certainly do orgasm. I cum. I get off. I get up there and ride his cock till we are both spent. Coitus is for fun, not just procreation. My body is a temple and I shall treat it as such.

  4. Lets all say 2 snail marys…..we mean well but it takes us a long time getting there….its an age thing. Happy bonking

  5. Your all stupid as fuck, Your dumb and should seriously seek some mental help, If you suppose this website or any of it’s views your dumb and need to go back to logic school, where you learn basic common fucking sense. The semen dumped from japan fuels the economy because of how much the porn industry brings in, thus allowing for more industries to make us cheaper products because they are doing so well, Enjoy your electronics? stop complaining about masturbation, the 2% degree rise didn’t cause that millions of years of the earth churning caused that big of a sink hole. stop being stupid. just stop, all of you stop it! seriously, go fuck yourselfs literally!

  6. Ryan, your grammar and spelling really suck. One of of the first signs of self rape. What in the hell does semen and electronics have in common? Looked at labels lately? All that shit comes from China. And if millions of years of earth churning caused that sinkhole, why did it happen right now, when more people than ever are stroking their mules? A self sin sinkhole, if I’ve ever seen one.

  7. Okay, the first photo was of a sinkhole, that may even be a mine entrance or something, but is nowhere near big enough to engulf a city. The second photo, was of a chasm or something, that looks like it had been there for years. Keep this bullshit up and I will find you, and I will end you with OOOOOOOOONE PUUUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!! (3,2,1,Killshot)

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