Stop Masturbation Now Announces Launch of First Anti Masturbation Satellite

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Stop Masturbation NOW, a division of SMN Heavy Industries and Chemical, today proudly launched their first satellite into orbit. Named Childs1, the geostationary satellite is capable of broadcasting anti masturbation related materials as well as do experiments.

“Childs1 hopes to be the first of many devices planned for this decade and the next” Said Lonnie Childs, Leader and Founder of Stop Masturbation NOW. “We are reaching an era where Masturbation has had increasing effects on infrastructure and the planet. From Sinkholes to Hurricanes masturbation is the number one threat.”

small-rocket_launchThe satellite is 3 feet long and weighs about 800 pounds, making it the size of an Oil Barrel, said Ken Carlson, SMN space project manager based at Childs Space Flight Center in Safford AZ. Childs1 size is relatively normal for an Earth-orbiting satellite, Carlson said.

The data the satellite collects will be free to any faithfact scientist and used for a variety of purposes. It will help monitor semen and vibrations.

The broadcasting relieves SMN of many legal liabilities when it comes to broadcasting. “The federal government has deemed many of our anti masturbation youth educational videos as illegal unfortunately” Childs said, “however we can do whatever we want in space, free from the grips of big masturbation”

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8 Comments on Stop Masturbation Now Announces Launch of First Anti Masturbation Satellite

  1. Anything is possible through God, especially science! Have more faith son or the terrorists (aka self rapists) win.

    Praying for you.

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  2. Wait, did they put a news article style announcement on their own site to make it appear more realistic/scientifically possible?

    This article is very vague; 'monitor semen and vibrations' and 'do experiments' is all the description they put into this (aside from broadcasting scientifically incorrect messages, possibly why they were disallowed by the US government).
    This article is such BS, implying that masturbation causes natural disasters (even though we know exactly what causes those) is incredibly misleading.

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  3. As again, dumb wits fall for this when they don't know anything about science. So if you made that satellite I just a have made a giant "don't give a fuck" rocket as well.

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  4. It takes a lot of effort to make a rocket and post about it. I feel like maybe you do give a fuck, and you should!. Just watch where that rocket launches so that it doesn't take out our satellite! Wouldn't want to help the self-rapists.

    Praying for you son.

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  5. This is some sort of stupid prank right? Just to turn people against Christians? I mean, you can't be serious... You can't actually believe that people who masturbate cause natural disasters, right? Did you even read the bible? Do you KNOW what a little thing called "how the world works" is? If this site is legit, you people are the moat ignorant, stupid, cancerous human beings om the planet. Disclaimer for most who are reading this: CHRISTIANS DON'T ACT LIKE THIS NORMALY, THESE ARE TWISTED AND IGNORANT HUMAN BEINGS (if the site is real at all, I seriously hope it isn't).

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  6. About the natural disasters, they do occur, defo. caused by masturbation, it was disastrous when my auntie Doris walked in on me when I was nearly there, and threatened to tell on me unless I splooged on her boobs; so I did, but she told on me anyway. Women! Huh!

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