“Supermoon” Caused By Masturbation?


Faith scientists have been working around the clock to get the word out that the recent “supermoon” is actually an anomaly to be feared. While mainstream sciLIEnce likes to describe the alleged “supermoon” as relatively harmless and “just” the closest the moon comes to Earth during its alleged orbit around Earth, a group of faith scientists have proven by way of faith fact that the cause of a “supermoon” is quite alarming.

“The moon itself is fine during a ‘supermoon’, it’s what is happening on Earth that is the problem,” said Planetary Faith Scientist, Seth Williams, speaking on behalf of the group. “We’ve found that the motion of millions of humans masturbating at the same time can affect the Earth’s pull on its satellite, our moon.” Williams also added that “certain masturbation diseases, like MHB, cause masturbators to do sinful acts in even greater numbers when the moon is closer to the Earth. We’re still trying to research this connection. Since we know the moon is somehow linked to masturbation, we can ascertain that nothing good or Godly exists on the moon.”

So, is the “supermoon” safe?

“Not exactly,” added Williams. “Each time the moon comes around like this and people are still masturbating, it’s going to have an effect. It will keep pulling closer and closer until the moon gets pulled into the Earth’s atmosphere and ultimately destroys the planet. We’re still doing calculations to find out how much time we have, but this Presidential Administration refuses to fund faith science adequately so we do not have the proper resources.”

Moon Killing Earth
Thanks, masturbators.
About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

13 Comments on “Supermoon” Caused By Masturbation?

  1. People and other species have masturbated since the beginning of time. Evolution time just to make that clear. So why now have the ignorant Christians making this a bad thing? I think they all need to go to their rooms and beat off.

    • No doubt you’re one of those silly, Athetit heathens, that believes in EvoLIEtion. Laughing out loud, shaking my head!

      • “We’ve found that the motion of millions of humans masturbating at the same time can affect the Earth’s pull on its satellite, our moon.”
        what the actual ever-living fuck

  2. im glad the president is not funding this. i would actually be pissed if the president was funding this!

  3. For all the religious people on this site…..
    first off… I’d like to be the first to say…. there is no such thing as a Faith Scientist….
    that…. that’s just the most retarded statement…
    it’s like saying this statement is false….

    secondly… I want to draw your attention to my wall of text post on my religious views…

    I don’t have a faith or religion
    The problem with Faith and Religion is simple
    You have a book written thousands of years ago
    by men… who were probably high in an opium den
    They depict a small child standing over an ant hill
    with a magnifying glass…
    oh wait… that isn’t an ant hill… that’s our planet!
    to everyone who says your faith/religion is the one true way
    and all who don’t follow it to the letter are evil sinners…
    Here’s a secret
    You weren’t he first to say it about yours,
    you won’t be the last.
    Every religion and faith can’t be right
    they can all be wrong.
    but with Ignorance you have taken the words in the books you hold so dear.
    Taken them out of context, warped them. ignored some completely…
    people like you have used just parts of your god’s word…
    and used it to exclude, chastise and bash on those who are different…
    be that difference be of race or sexual orientation…
    who do you think you are, it’s clearly stated here
    it isn’t your god given right. never was, never will be
    and this is your god chastising you
    Got a tattoo of a crucifix? that’s cute… but HE doesn’t think so…
    So… dismount your high horse
    fill a needle with poison and put it down
    for you have injured it severly…
    it’s bones are dust because of the weight of your Ego and Ignorance.
    And a parting word…
    This is your faith….
    Your Religion…
    Your way of life…
    And Remember….
    I’m the one who just bitch slapped you across the face with it… Goodnight…

  4. I understand that some people are religius and we should not judge them for that until they come up with bullshit and say its scientifically proven especially when they say that people masturbating has to do with the moon like godamn you people are fucking stupid btw I’m about to masturbate and Iwill have fun as I scream with pleasure as my fingers go in and out of my tight pink pussy until i squirt cum out all over my bed

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