Science / Trending

“Supermoon” Caused By Masturbation?

Faith scientists have been working around the clock to get the word out that the recent “supermoon” is actually an anomaly to be feared. While mainstream sciLIEnce likes to describe the alleged “supermoon” as relatively harmless and “just” the closest the moon comes to Earth during its alleged orbit around Earth, a group of faith scientists have proven by way of faith fact that the cause of a “supermoon” is quite alarming.

“The moon itself is fine during a ‘supermoon’, it’s what is happening on Earth that is the problem,” said Planetary Faith Scientist, Seth Williams, speaking on behalf of the group. “We’ve found that the motion of millions of humans masturbating at the same time can affect the Earth’s pull on its satellite, our moon.” Williams also added that “certain masturbation diseases, like MHB, cause masturbators to do sinful acts in even greater numbers when the moon is closer to the Earth. We’re still trying to research this connection. Since we know the moon is somehow linked to masturbation, we can ascertain that nothing good or Godly exists on the moon.”

So, is the “supermoon” safe?

“Not exactly,” added Williams. “Each time the moon comes around like this and people are still masturbating, it’s going to have an effect. It will keep pulling closer and closer until the moon gets pulled into the Earth’s atmosphere and ultimately destroys the planet. We’re still doing calculations to find out how much time we have, but this Presidential Administration refuses to fund faith science adequately so we do not have the proper resources.”

Moon Killing Earth

Thanks, masturbators.

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gurina
gurina
6 years ago

People and other species have masturbated since the beginning of time. Evolution time just to make that clear. So why now have the ignorant Christians making this a bad thing? I think they all need to go to their rooms and beat off.

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  gurina

No doubt you’re one of those silly, Athetit heathens, that believes in EvoLIEtion. Laughing out loud, shaking my head!

tangy
tangy
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

“We’ve found that the motion of millions of humans masturbating at the same time can affect the Earth’s pull on its satellite, our moon.”
what the actual ever-living fuck

real men don't cry
real men don't cry
6 years ago

John Wayne didn’t die in vain.

He died in Los Angeles, California.

billisgod420
billisgod420
6 years ago

im glad the president is not funding this. i would actually be pissed if the president was funding this!

Zander
Zander
6 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The1
The1
6 years ago

For all the religious people on this site….. first off… I’d like to be the first to say…. there is no such thing as a Faith Scientist…. that…. that’s just the most retarded statement… it’s like saying this statement is false…. secondly… I want to draw your attention to my wall of text post on my religious views… I don’t have a faith or religion The problem with Faith and Religion is simple You have a book written thousands of years ago by men… who were probably high in an opium den They depict a small child standing over an… Read more »

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  The1

Typical ranting’s of a heathen savage, overcome by masturage!

José María Ticona
6 years ago

hahahahahhhahhhaha

Canoë
Canoë
6 years ago

Unbelievable ! You fools don’t know nothing about science, maybe you should masturbate more often…

christy
christy
6 years ago

I understand that some people are religius and we should not judge them for that until they come up with bullshit and say its scientifically proven especially when they say that people masturbating has to do with the moon like godamn you people are fucking stupid btw I’m about to masturbate and Iwill have fun as I scream with pleasure as my fingers go in and out of my tight pink pussy until i squirt cum out all over my bed

damnchinesecommunistshaha
damnchinesecommunistshaha
6 years ago
Reply to  christy

see this is a great post haha! ;p