Faith scientists have been working around the clock to get the word out that the recent “supermoon” is actually an anomaly to be feared. While mainstream sciLIEnce likes to describe the alleged “supermoon” as relatively harmless and “just” the closest the moon comes to Earth during its alleged orbit around Earth, a group of faith scientists have proven by way of faith fact that the cause of a “supermoon” is quite alarming.
“The moon itself is fine during a ‘supermoon’, it’s what is happening on Earth that is the problem,” said Planetary Faith Scientist, Seth Williams, speaking on behalf of the group. “We’ve found that the motion of millions of humans masturbating at the same time can affect the Earth’s pull on its satellite, our moon.” Williams also added that “certain masturbation diseases, like MHB, cause masturbators to do sinful acts in even greater numbers when the moon is closer to the Earth. We’re still trying to research this connection. Since we know the moon is somehow linked to masturbation, we can ascertain that nothing good or Godly exists on the moon.”
So, is the “supermoon” safe?
“Not exactly,” added Williams. “Each time the moon comes around like this and people are still masturbating, it’s going to have an effect. It will keep pulling closer and closer until the moon gets pulled into the Earth’s atmosphere and ultimately destroys the planet. We’re still doing calculations to find out how much time we have, but this Presidential Administration refuses to fund faith science adequately so we do not have the proper resources.”