The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™


Hello Faithfriends, Chosen Normals and Pledged Self-Chastes, and our allies! Today we are pleased to present the answer to all your portable anti-masturbation needs, the newly unveiled Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™, the collapsible restraint system designed by the same people who designed the Anti-Masturbation Cross ™.

papoose board 2

In these dark, masturbation laden times, we at B.L.U.F.F R&D heard the requests of parents who bought our extremely successful Anti-Masturbation Cross ™, and their requests for a more portable, easier to take on-the-go version of our fine product, to help prevent publicly awkward situations that often occur in today’s heavily tarded youth. So we stepped up, and using space-aged polymers, denier rip-stop nylon, and 2″ thick teflon-coated graphite reinforced strapping, and military grade Velcro ™, we have done our best to deliver! Able to restrain even the most savage tard, and resist the highest amounts of freakish tard strength.

Our new Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™ is ready to go! The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™, because your life shouldn’t have to wait for a masturbator! ™

Available at the B.L.U.F.F store for 6 easy payments of $89.99! Get yours today! Praise!

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

22 Comments on The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™

  1. This is horrible. I’m Christian but that doesn’t mean I should pay over 600$ so my son doesn’t do something that is completely natural in almost every living animal. What happens if someone is going to sleepover. This is sending mixed messages to a child. Not that masturbating is wrong, to them there going to see it as locking them up in a straight jacket, until their 18…

  2. If i buy a dozen of these devices can you make my dream of having a circle jerk with lonnie childs, jasper centaur, augustweisz and all of the other hot guys on this site come true? We could jack each other off at a medium pace and stroke each other’s sin sticks until they explode and then cathy REDMOUND and truffle could clean up the jism and slurp on our sin sticks and get all of the boys ready for a night of HOT HOT HOT ANAL exploration…


  3. I’m Christian but I think this counts as just a little bit of major child abuse, I’m pretty sure this is not God’s plan for humanity

  4. Listen here mohammed you don’t even know who god is. You worship mohammed. These folks worship the american jesus and are SEVERELY sexually repressed. Relax and have some fun firing off some knuckle children to all of the hot pictures, wipe off your phone, tablet or computer screen and enjoy poking fun at the zealots. I like talking about the orgy that i want to have with lonnie, jasper, milton, carlos and the other boys where we have a big circle jerk and rub each other’s sin sticks until we all blow our loads, then cathy REDMOUND cleans us up and truffle revives our sin sticks and we finish the evening with some intimate spooning and HOT HOT anal exploration…


  5. Praise Jesus for this wonderful invention! From birth until they move out (which the Bible says shouldn’t be until marriage), now the Christian parents of America can prevent the sin of Onan in our children! Every good parent should have one for each child…in Jesus name, make boner beating and nub rubbing a thing of the past.

    • Mike, do you want to get in on the circle jerk that lonnie, jasper, carlos and the rest of the boys are putting together? We’re all going to rub each other’s sin stick so that we aren’t masturbating. Don’t worry we’ll bring along some tweezers for the smaller fellows…

      • Only if I polish my Sword Of The Spirit with a proper attitude of repentance. After I “self-flagellate,” I self-flagellate.

    • Alex, clearly your mind is shot full of more holes than we former masterbators can even fantasize about. The effects of sinful manustrupation have made you mentally ill. I will pray for your healing and that Jesus will guide your jizzum into a properly obedient Penis Home, not a Kleenex.

  6. What a great way to help stop all those masturbating toddlers! And while I’m here, do you have anything that might help my 6 month old son from gambling? He’s particularly susceptible to the call of the Black Jack table.

    • I can empathize Matty, I have a 3 year old daughter that has somehow logged into my account and I can’t for the life of me get her to step away from the poker tournaments. Oh well, hopefully she can make enough to put herself through college because I’ve depleted our accounts buying devices like the anti masturbation go board for our unborn son. Plus there’s the added expense of having to get Lemmy’s (liam’s) cowboy hat dry cleaned after he gets dressed up as the RUMP RANGER and suckles my sin stick and I spew baby batter all over it…

  7. hahahah you realize if your kid doesnt masturbate forever he might get tumors in his genitalia eventually cancer eventually infertile and eventually death paise THE LORD….

  8. masturbation is something you need if you dont have a partner not regenerating fresh sperm means that old sperm spermatozoids dies and you wont be able to have siblings in future. WHY CHRISTIANS ARE SO BRAINWASHED SINCE 0 A.D …. i mean after 2000 years we should have evolved and realised that “THE BOOK” is just mombo jambo

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