The Environmental Impact of Masturbation

 

It’s common knowledge that masturbation turns ordinary people into criminals and perfectly healthy people into Stephen Hawking. But what about our planet? Is the Earth feeling the sting of masturbation?

 

Your average masturbator burns between 50 to 150 calories with every masturbation session, depending on factors such as: height, weight, gender, race, sexual orientation, and political affiliation. The calories used for masturbation increases with every repeated masturbation episode. To put that into perspective, a whole potato or a hotdog has around 150 calories. An apple has 90. An egg, 78.

 

Assuming that every human on earth (7 billion) masturbated during the same day, the caloric consumption on that day would be 700 billion calories*. That works out to 105,000 cows, 2,100,000 pigs or 7,000,000 chickens, that masturbators are consuming, just to punch their ticket to triple hell, on a single day. Compounding this crisis are those who masturbate numerous times a day.

 

A common myth is that everyone masturbates. Assuming that this lie (perpetuated by Big Masturbation) is true, the human race is needlessly consuming an enormous amount of calories and therefore: food. If the masturbators are vegans, they are consuming entire fields of crops and meat-eating masturbators are consuming entire herds of livestock, which in-turn, are fed with numerous fields of agricultural feed. The earth’s supply of: Fresh water and suitable farmland are being stretched to their limits from needless masturbation. This is something that the big masturbation companies do not want you to know.

 

Instead of being part of the problem, become part of the solution!  STOP Masturbation NOW and help save the planet. Together, we can stop deforestation, end world hunger, end animal abuse and eradicate the bad AIDS. Your God, and your Mother Earth will thank you.

 

 

*average number of calories burned between 50 & 150 is 100. 100×7,000,000,000 = 700,000,000,000.

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Liam McKey
About Liam McKey
Liam McKey is a former combat veteran and owner of the only Vegan-Certified ranch in the United States. He has two normal teenage children with his same-race wife. Liam is active in the community of Safford, Arizona where he lives. Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction and has many degrees from various non-accredited faith-based colleges.

94 Comments on The Environmental Impact of Masturbation

  1. Darkblitzfrenzy // July 18, 2014 at 9:41 pm // Reply

    So wait, if masturbation burns calories, and masturbating multiple times a day burns even more calories, then that means we can turn masturbation into a new weight loss program for fat people! Looks like you are doing the world some good after all SMN.

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  2. Calorie consumption causes weight gain, not weight loss.

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    • Darkblitzfrenzy // July 18, 2014 at 10:17 pm // Reply

      But you say that the average masturbator burns 50 to 150 with every wank. And since we all know that fat people can go months without eating, we can turn masturbation into a weight loss program for the overweight.

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    • SimonPeter@thetwelveapostles.heaven // July 22, 2014 at 1:46 pm // Reply

      'Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction' - I believe it takes one to know one, or a closet pedophile... I will pray for you... in Jesus' name, Amen.

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    • ...but wouldn't we all have forearms like Popeye..?

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    • Swing and a miss..

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  3. Overweight people don't get where they are by abstaining from food and exercising.

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  4. This beautiful flat Earth needs to be saved before it's too late and there's nothing left to pass onto our normal race, non-ginger offspring.

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    • Whats wrong with ginger people?

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    • Yeah bitch what's wrong with gingers?

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      • That's no way to speak to Person26, Jake! Did your parents drag you up with no manners? HEATHEN!

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        • Gary Johnson // July 24, 2014 at 4:48 am // Reply

          you still havent explained what is wrong with ginger people...btw you were supposed to be the bitch for your prejudical rubbish thinking, not the person26

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      • Grim reaper // July 24, 2014 at 4:42 am // Reply

        Steal her/his soul yall do it! Whatever it is won't be able to go to heaven without a soul

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    • Legalize_gay_marijuana // August 27, 2014 at 7:37 pm // Reply

      Cough cough- retard -cough

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  5. We'll I'm gonna go jerk off and then eat a whole herd of cows

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  6. I bet Paul loved touching on them kids you people are like nazis and racist at most, you are the ones lieing and it's medically proven it helps protect against testicular cancer.

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    • Hoxton, you make no sense. Please speak American.

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      • The chronic masturbator // July 19, 2014 at 7:13 pm // Reply

        WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN LOLOLOL

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      • You know Liam mckey I think you are a great person and thank you for fighting for this country but all of this is complete shit and y'all are cultists, do you even like black people or how about Asians?

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        • Even my life partner john agrees with me that you all are fuckin insane

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          • let me get this straight. You are too stupid to figure out which gender to have sex with? Not only that, but you found another fella who can't figure it out either?

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          • Why is it a problem at all if I am homo sexual?

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          • And if masturbation is such a big deal and an awful sin why can we do it?

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          • Dexter Battygarten iii // July 22, 2014 at 2:05 pm //

            well better go ask God why he gave us free will at all, brother John, if we didn't have to make choices.

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      • Firehobbit // July 21, 2014 at 12:32 pm // Reply

        You speak American? Sounds like English to me .

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        • No way! You can hear what he wrote? You must be either a prophet, or is there some kind of witchcraft going on? Better keep an eye or two on this one.

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    • Prostate* not testicular.

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  7. pasta pasteur // July 19, 2014 at 1:41 pm // Reply

    fap fap fap,fap fap fap,boom

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  8. The chronic masturbator // July 19, 2014 at 6:02 pm // Reply

    literally, i just can't even, has anyone that runs the site actually graduated fucking kindergarten?

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    • logic matters // July 19, 2014 at 7:12 pm // Reply

      Kindergarten was probably the highest level of accredited education they've completed.

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      • The chronic masturbator // July 20, 2014 at 8:22 am // Reply

        haha true

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      • I'lltouchit. Bishop Smith // July 21, 2014 at 7:12 pm // Reply

        Kindergarten is likely when you started fingering yourself. Looks like your right and left hand have caused you to sin again!

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        • logic matters // July 21, 2014 at 7:45 pm // Reply

          Oh no, a crazy person is trying to insult me. What ever shall I do.
          Lol, if you think your lack of education is going to have any affect on me, you're more full of yourself than you realize. Have fun being an idiot =). You people are so amusing.

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        • Legalize_gay_marijuana // August 27, 2014 at 7:42 pm // Reply

          Christians like you are psychos.

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  9. The chronic masturbator // July 19, 2014 at 6:04 pm // Reply

    I can't even bring myself to try and make sense of the unintelligent,fucktarded statements on this site.

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    • That's because you are a chronic masturbator, ma'am.

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      • i eat doughnuts and go nuts stroking my nuts // July 24, 2014 at 4:47 am // Reply

        I hear you rape cats instead of masturbating... I mean technically it's a "pussy" but it's still beastiality. Shame on you all raping animals just because they can't speak go masturbate you sick freaks

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        • The link between masturbation and extreme beastiality. the evidence continues to mount. Does Lonnie have a faith-secure explanation for this?

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          • Well the obvious explanation is that (i eat doughnuts and go nuts stroking my nuts) clearly linked the picture of the cat with their own sexual practices and then defended it by calling the cat a "pussy" and then told us that they do it because the animal won't speak. I think the sick freak comment they made was a boomerang, and what is with all the nuts, should I warn the squirrel community too?

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  10. logic matters // July 19, 2014 at 6:46 pm // Reply

    One of the MANY flaws in your "findings" is your assumption that every time someone masterbates, they will always consume the calories they burned. This is simply not the case. You don't have any evidence to suggest that someone masterbating 100 calories will then eat an extra 100 calories worth of food/resources. They could eat the same 3 meals a day which isn't affected by their sexual activities.
    Logic isn't your strong point. Your ideas would never hold any weight under true science and logical discovery. That's why these articles are limited to the group of nonsense shared by you crazy people, who harm the world with false and biased information.

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  11. Please, PLEASE tell me this is a joke.

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    • I'lltouchit. Bishop Smith // July 21, 2014 at 7:13 pm // Reply

      I'll tell you the truth about self-rape if its a sin you struggle with. Holy help is on the way! Praise Lonnie Childs!!

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      • logic matters // July 21, 2014 at 7:48 pm // Reply

        Lol, "self-rape". Do you people just make up words in an attempt to make your idiocy sound better? Do you even know the definition of rape? Because it doesn't appear you do. Those who have really been raped would be insulted by your attempt to redefine the term.

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      • Imasturbate3timesadayandimpround // July 27, 2014 at 10:44 pm // Reply

        If you masturbate, you are doing it yourself! thats not selfrape

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  12. The Knob Gobbler // July 19, 2014 at 8:03 pm // Reply

    What's the calorie count if a man masturbates and then eats the splooge?

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  13. I'm just here to voice my opinion // July 19, 2014 at 10:58 pm // Reply

    It's because of people like this that we have suicides and murders. Your religion is supposed to be all about "love" and "acceptance" yet you shun those who are different. It's all a huge contradiction. You all are retarded as fuck if you believe a fairy in the sky determines every aspect of your life. Just live your life the way YOU want it to be and be happy, stop judging others for things that make them happy.

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    • Dexter Battygarten iii // July 23, 2014 at 4:18 pm // Reply

      Amen. I too am disgusted by the irresponsibility of masturbators, maam. in this place, you are not alone. :) welcome home.

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      • logic matters // July 24, 2014 at 11:46 am // Reply

        What irresponsibility? I'm willing to bet the people responsible for building the computer you're using, the house you live in, the smart phone you use to call your loved ones, the ones finding cures for diseases, and many other man made marvels, have masterbated. If you hate them so much, don't use the everyday things that those people have made for your comfort. You people are so stupid you don't even realize the hypocrisy you're living with.

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        • I use my keyboard for Gods work and He has wiped it clean.

          PS Thomas Edison didn't masturbate. so you might want to go and check on the others you were talking of. ;) Bless

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  14. Je viole des enfants de 6 ans merci

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  15. "Political affiliation"? Okay. So, how many calories would I burn if I support Greenpeace?

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  16. THIS IS HILAIRE // July 20, 2014 at 5:00 pm // Reply

    Kurukuru what do you know? Please educate yourself. I bet you are one of these self-rapists

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  17. I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN. // July 20, 2014 at 5:06 pm // Reply

    F.A.O. This is Hilaire: The clitoris is the only human organ with the sole function of pleasure. I put it there for a reason. Thank me anytime. ;)

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    • Dexter Battygarten iii // July 23, 2014 at 2:56 am // Reply

      Masturbation is a form of female Genital mutilation and no laughing matter Mr so- called God. for shame.

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  18. Adam Steidl // July 20, 2014 at 5:07 pm // Reply

    I jerked off this morning and I liked it.

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  19. THIS IS HILAIRE // July 20, 2014 at 5:07 pm // Reply

    FAO God - what about the penis? You talk shit

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  20. I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN. // July 20, 2014 at 5:09 pm // Reply

    F.A.O. This is Hilaire: The penis is more complex. It stiffens, it flops, it passes urine. Did you ever attend a biology class? I created human beings so that they could attend such things.

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  21. MasterBaiter // July 20, 2014 at 7:10 pm // Reply

    How many calories do I burn if I use a vibrator?

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  22. astounded_australian // July 20, 2014 at 9:24 pm // Reply

    This is by far the funniest site I have come across. If only I were a boy so I could literally cum across it...
    Just wow, Obviously the USA's education system is failing a fair few citizens. The anti-masturbation activists on this site that take themselves seriously are honestly the dumbest humans I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know through their written opinions. & that is all they are, Opinions. You have no proof of a God & no scientific proof that masturbation is bad. No proof of Hell or Heaven. All you have is a book some cult like apes wrote way back when.

    Please go educate yourselves, Maybe leave your little fucktard bubble you are dwelling in, in the USA and go see the world meet sane people and learn something anything.

    Seriously I would be embarrassed if I were related to anyone that was as intellectually ignorant as you freaking hill billies. What trash,..

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    • I'lltouchit. Bishop Smith // July 21, 2014 at 7:15 pm // Reply

      I'm your sister and embarrassed. Stop sinning with your right and left hands! Praise Lonnie Childs!!

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  23. sceincebitch // July 20, 2014 at 9:33 pm // Reply

    male self relief burns around 250 cal per hour, lets say a standard of 10 min for a "session" that would be 25 not 100.... world population of just over 7 billion, remove the to young and the to old, call it 5 billion, remove those that have a partner to do so, call it 3 billion "possibles" the recommended calorie intake for a day is 2000 the average reported for an American is 2640 a day, and we know that people will lie about what that eat so that is most likely even higher, now we take in to effect that that is supposed to be for an active health male, and factor in that most of us are not active enough to require 2000 calories a day, we begin to see that i would have to spend over hours a day wanking just to use the same amount of calories that a single American over eats a day. oh and according to studies walking at normal pace for 10 mins or wanking for 10 mins burns the same amount of calories... the only way that a person like those who believe in things that this website says, would be to never reproduce and kill them selves apon reading this that would save millions of calories....

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  24. motherfucker // July 21, 2014 at 1:05 am // Reply

    well, gatta go burn them calories.. excuse me while I go and slap my meat-stick for awhile.

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  25. this entire website has to be a joke lol. this place is good for a laugh

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  26. WHATDAFUR!! // July 21, 2014 at 12:12 pm // Reply

    genius people XD maybe they never ever ever ever ever masturbated in they're entire existence.. poor things

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  27. I hope this is a joke. I must be. Otherwise the people who write this, and the others who believe it are ridiculous human beings. Masturbation is a normal human thing that is completely natural, demonising it is not only wrong but has a completely negative on kids growing up. Do what you want to do. Masturbating is brill.

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  28. Iama notagonsay // July 21, 2014 at 5:06 pm // Reply

    Haha this is some very funny posting. I assume this site is a satire site there for I feel a little better about where the world is going. But if someone out there really made this in the belief the masterbation is wrong I ask you this, in the bible they fuck there brothers and sisters because no one else is on earth. so what's really what's a little pocket pool?

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  29. augustweisz augustweisz // July 21, 2014 at 7:08 pm // Reply

    Masturbators hate the planet.

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  30. Liam McKay. I am not religious but even I know Jesus said there will be people that shall take up other perspectives of sexuality. I am not homosexual either but who the flying fuck do you think you are to call that other gay Guy "to stupid to figure out which gender to have sex with." More like you're to stupid to figure out this world is full of people that are attracted to differant things and fetishes. Take your holier than thou attitude and go fuck yourself!! And "It is community knowledge masturbation turns normal people into criminals, and healthy people into Stephan hawking"?? By that logic I'm a paraplegic with an I.Q of 2654 and a criminal mastermind. Where did you get these conclusions. I'm guessing they have as much merit as me pointing at the sky and saying"much like Tinkerbell from Peter pan, the sky is only blue because a believe it is. I KNOW that some kind of God exists... but fuck man... you're past faith St. And right in the middle of batshit-crazy cresant!

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    • I will pray at you, in hopes that you will be able to walk again and that your masturbation rage subsides.

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      • Jason Mckay Jason Mckay // July 22, 2014 at 10:12 am // Reply

        instead of this man using his I.Q of 2654 to solve world hunger or cure cancer he comes on this Holy Netsite and harangues our most cherished brethren...for shame.

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    • ShellyRichey ShellyRichey // July 22, 2014 at 11:50 am // Reply

      Jesus said "people that shall take up other perspectives of sexuality?" You've lost your mind to masturbation, and you may be too far gone to heal. Jesus said no such thing, and you should stop immediately with this false doctrine.

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      • Dexter Battygarten iii // July 23, 2014 at 3:01 am // Reply

        Ms scott may get many things wrong, but at least she understands that sLIEnce's famous Stephen Hawkings IS a criminal mastermind. Many masturbators trust him like he were faith family!

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  31. FlyingSpaceDicks // July 21, 2014 at 9:29 pm // Reply

    I'm not quite sure if this is a joke or not but whatever it is I am honestly screencapping it and posting it on all my feeds. This is quite possible the funniest shit I have ever read.

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  32. Fucklonniesfamily // July 21, 2014 at 10:12 pm // Reply

    Brother Lonnie Childs rapes cats with his greasy dumpster cock this self proclaimed faggot also will fuck your family dog he then got tired of land beats and took his pim

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    • Milton Grits Milton Grits // July 21, 2014 at 11:56 pm // Reply

      Isn't it nice that they let crazy people use the Internet? SAID NO ONE EVER.

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      • Fuckmiltonsmotherintheass // July 22, 2014 at 7:41 am // Reply

        Aye sheep fucker your prophet is a fucking retard 3ft tall brown man who's dumbass got lost for 40 fucking years it's no wonder ya all inbred cunts

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        • Dexter Battygarten iii // July 22, 2014 at 1:56 pm // Reply

          Lonnie Childs is not a tall brown man. haven't you seen his picture? at least have the kindness to take the effort to have the common civility to create informed blasphemous insults...Ha!...and you call us inbred.smh

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  33. Fucklonnie cont. // July 21, 2014 at 10:14 pm // Reply

    Ple size cock he couldn't please the dolphins so the watery mammal took its love and made him the coolest aqua man ever

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  34. Jack Johnson // July 21, 2014 at 11:44 pm // Reply

    Anybody down for a circle jerk later?

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  35. God touches me at night, but always in the right places - so I have no need to masturbate. Thanks for the helping hand God !

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  36. Okay, now I'm 100% sure this is fake cuz this post is BULLSHIT

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  37. Liam, you clearly found marijuana after you left the armed forces. You have to be clinically insane if you didn't.

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    • Gary Johnson // July 24, 2014 at 4:46 am // Reply

      that is not what weed does...get your shit sorted...If he smoked weed he would be filling his 100th sock by now...

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  38. Lmao at this site // July 23, 2014 at 8:27 pm // Reply

    This has to be a joke. It HAS to be. You people can't possibly be serious.

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  39. wow! golly gee! I used to think exercise was good but now i realize how horrible it is on the environment! I work my butt off at the gym burning sometimes over 1000 calories a session! I am obviously a terrible person, almost as bad as the obese, who consume these extra calories without doing any activities. ohhh make sure all of you speak quietly to yourselves to make all these horrible, horrible problems better!

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  40. This is the funniest shit Ive ever read.. so are you telling me that if I buy a vibrator I will lose weight?? That is stupendously fantastic!

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  41. this is freaking hilarious! :-D

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  42. So, if I masturbate I become extremely intelligent? YEAH!

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  43. Thanks for the laughs everyone. Please excuse me while I go and rub one out and giggle myself to sleep thinking about all the funny stuff posted here!

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  44. Legalize_gay_marijuana // August 27, 2014 at 7:34 pm // Reply

    Are you people fucking retards?

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