[Editor’s Note: This post was originally written on April 20th]
Today, as millions around the world celebrate the birth of Adolf Hitler, I am reminded of the genocide that is happening right under our noses. Literally.
Each day in America, there are an estimated 250 million acts of male masturbation, on the low end (Source: B.L.U.F.F FaithStatistics Department, 2015). Each ejaculation contains between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm. This means between 10,000,000,000,000,000 and 300,000,000,000,000,000 sperm are murdered every day, if we’re keeping with the conservative estimates released by B.L.U.F.F.
Growing up, most of us were taught ad nauseam about the 6 million Jews who perished in the Holocaust. Personally, I’m not buying it. I mean, sure, Hitler probably killed a Jew here or a Jew there, but who hasn’t? No, the numbers were vastly inflated and the methods of murder entirely fabricated by Jewish media moguls to garner sympathy as well as divert attention away from the established historical fact that a curly-haired, dreidel-spinning, deicidal mob exterminated our Lord. The Jews know they share this collective guilt even today, but instead play the martyr and seek respect instead of repentance.
But even if Hitler’s Holocaust had happened as described, it would pale in comparison to the Holocaust that happens every morning in the car on the way to work, every afternoon in the public unisex toilet, and every evening all over your comforter and pillow. It’s worse than Pearl Harbor. It’s worse than 9/11. It’s even worse than abortion, if that were possible. These poor little fellas didn’t live long enough to get aborted! They never had the chance for their heads to be dashed against the rocks, as per the Psalmist’s blessed instructions. Jesus said, “Whatever you do to the least of these my brothers and sisters (but mostly brothers), you have done unto me” (Matthew 25:40, KLV). This means that every time you kill an unborn sperm, you’re killing little baby tadpole Jesus. Would you shoot the Son of God out your shaft? Would you jettison Jesus out your jizzhole? Spermicide is genocide is deicide!
Some say that in cases of rape and incest, masturbation should be allowed. “Like, dude, I totally want to gang rape that chick, but instead I’ll just go home and masturbate to her instead.” WRONG. Not only are you still raping her in your heart – which Jesus tells us is just as bad – but you are raping yourself. Two rapes don’t make a right. More appalling still, you are using this as a justification for the murder of millions of souls, possibly billions. Why should innocent seed be spilled simply because you want to rape and incest some woman? For all you know, that sperm could have contained the cure for cancer and you just wadded it up in a tissue and flushed it down the toilet (which you’re not supposed to do anyway). Do you really want the blood of all cancer victims for hundreds of years to come on your semen-covered hands? Others simply say that they have the right to do what they want with their bodies. Uhh, newsflash: there are upward of 1.2 billion other fully human bodies inside of your body — in one splooge stain alone! Definitive FaithScientific research has shown that each individual spermatozoa possesses a soul, a brain, a heart, can giggle and smile, knows calculus, and enjoys a deep personal relationship with his Heavenly Father. Do their lives matter less than yours? You microblog on the Tumblers about Men’s Rights, but what about the rights of these miniature men? The freedom to swing your fist ends where your penis begins.I often hear well-meaning, but misguided folks advocating adoption as a [marginally] less sinful alternative to vain emission. Leaving aside the fact that only one pretus (pre-fetus) in each batch will survive, the unintended consequences of sperm adoption are conveniently ignored. You may inadvertently be setting your pretus on the path to eternal destruction in your attempt to preserve his life. I personally have stood in front of no fewer than dozens of Sperm Banks and protested loudly and proudly, shouting at shame-filled men at their lowest point as they walk through the doors to sell their future children to whatever unwed floozy wants them. Would you auction off your toddler to the highest bidder? These women are so physically unattractive that they actually have to pay for sperm. Imagine that! Do you really want your DNA tainted by these cows? God gave that 100% human person to YOU to steward and raise to a mature man (or, God forbid, woman) in Christ. It is your responsibility to ensure that your sperm will find salvation once they turn 4 and are old enough to go to hell if they die without accepting Jesus into their hearts. If you don’t force-feed them the faith, who will?
Make this 4-20 D-Day for your ding-a-ling. Liberate it from a life full of LIEberal licentiousness. May your bedroom no longer be an Auschwitz, but a Safford, filled with the love of Lonnie. God bless some of you.
Dr. Cornelius Felcher, J.O. is the chief medical correspondent for Stop Masturbation NOW Ministries. Dr. Felcher specializes in Preventative Masturbatory Medicine. His motto is, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of sperm.” He has been called the Mehmet Oz of masturbation, the Sanjay Gupta of self-rape, the Drew Pinsky of diddling, the Joseph Mercola of jacking off. Dr. Felcher earned his online degree in Biblical Biology from Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.), a WASP-accredited reactionary arts college in Safford, Arizona. He is a fully licensed and certified GP (Godly Practitioner) with additional training in TCM (Traditional Christian Medicine), homogayopathy, supernaturopathic medicine, sackupuncture, and various other forms of Sinless Christian Alternative Medicine (SCAM).
OMG what a fantastic, enlightning literature! Also I would like to know is blowing-off with swallowing an act of canibalism? In my opinion it should be punishable by law! I will pray for all masturbators so they can get out of satan’s grip!
So what about actual sex used for child conception? Only one sperm makes it to the egg. Should we be punished for the other millions that didn’t make it in time?
Apparently the author has a low libido or doesn’t know how to releave stress safely. He rather keep it all pent up until we see him on a clock tower picking off innocent people with a high powered rifle! SO STUPID!!!