Top Five Animals In Danger Of Extinction Due To Masturbation

THE ENVIRONMENT- (SMNNN)

Masturbation, and the dreaded Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFPs) endanger all living things, but some animal and species are in danger of going the way of the Great Normal Rhinoceros and the giraffe, and becoming extinct from masturbation.

Here is a list of the most endangered animals:

JAWS

1) THE GREAT NORMAL SHARK

The great normal shark has long dominated the Earth’s one sea, and was once thought unstoppable. But heathen sinners took to masturbating in the sea, creating undue amounts of stress and rage in the poor giant sea-monster. Now the great normal shark numbers in less than the teens, and is dwindling rapidly, spelling certain doom for yet another great normal animal.

salmon

2) SALMON

The salmon reproduces entirely by masturbation, and it swims upstream, and ultimately to it’s own death to do so. Truly the salmon is as doomed as it is delicious.

hyena2

3) THE HYENA

Hyena are horrid ungodly Satan-beasts which require surgical means to determine their gender. The natural tendency of hyenas to both eat practically anything, and their masturbation, has secured the #3 spot on this list. And good riddance, this author says.

panda

4) THE GIANT RED COMMUNIST CHINESE PANDA

In addition to having forgot the very mechanics of mating, this dendrophile communist bear-racoon thing masturbates constantly with only certain types of bamboo, which it then eats. Soon this abomination will be gone from God’s Green Earth.

Woody-woodpecker1

5) WOODPECKERS

These horrible birds are truly one of God’s most horrible beasts. Their special head-tendons are directly attached to their gonads, allowing them to masturbate while they peck wood. Their high-powered self-shame can be heard for miles. The woodpecker is believed to be a carrier of airborne Super EbolAIDS, a highly homosex and masturbatory plague discovered by B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow about a month ago.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

6 Comments on Top Five Animals In Danger Of Extinction Due To Masturbation

  1. These are all going extinct due to poaching, and I’m not even sure the woodpecker and salmon even are going extinct. And BTW, the animals can’t orgasm.

  2. Lonnie or whatever your name is, have you never gone to school? The pay don’t masturbate with food. The woodpecker drills through trees for sap and shelter. The panda is an adorable beast. This is so stupid.

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