Science

Unprotected Masturbation: Know The Risks!!!

 

Unprotected masturbation is the leading cause of STDs, and here is why:

Take the number of men and women that engage in unprotected masturbation and multiply that by the number of: door knobs, toilet flushing handles, crosswalk signal buttons, drinking fountains, handshakes, etc. What you end up with is an STD pandemic! If you’re really thinking you currently have an STD, whether it be from masturbating or unprotected sex, it’s advised to go and use a service like this Chicago STD testing clinic as an example, or a local clinic to you.

The only way to truly protect yourself is through self-abstinence. That means not touching your sin zone, with the same hands that makes contact with the secular masturbating world. Going about your business in public with your hands joined in prayer is an excellent way to protect your palms.

The following suggestions are other ways to avoid hand-to-genital transition of STDs, but keep in mind that they are not 100% effective:

  • Do not touch money. Money changes hands frequently and with no known method of tracing its former whereabouts. Also, handling money makes you look Jewish.
  • Do not eat with your hands, or with flatware provided to you by a restaurant. Your average dishwasher at a restaurant is an obvious masturbator. Keeping a stash of previously wrapped sporks is a good idea. Keeping your own Swiss Army Knife on your person is the preferred method of prevention. It worked for the Vikings and it will work for you.
  • Wear rubber gloves. This should not require an explanation.
  • Carry your own toilet paper with you at all times, or a suitable substitute. In more civilized times, when men wore formal suits in public, they always displayed their preferred method of wiping, in the upper left hand pocket of their suit jacket, blazer or sport coat. A silk handkerchief was a sign of status in those days, as these gentlemen took care of their business in style and comfort. Likewise, women in those days also kept lace doilies around at all times. Keep in mind, that the bad AIDS and the Gay didn’t exist until after America went casual.
  • Do not pet your dog with your hands. Dogs carry many diseases including, but not limited to: Dandruff. You can tell if your dog’s fur is infected by STDs, if the dog’s own immune system rejects its own hair. This is called “Shedding.” Feel free to pet your dog with a baseball bat or a rolled-up newspaper if you notice shedding.
With proper care, you can keep your own utensils in your pocket and away from masturbating dishwashers.

With proper care, you can keep your own utensils in your pocket and away from masturbating dishwashers.

 

Protecting yourself from masturbation related STDs is a personal responsibility and it’s up to each of us to protect ourselves. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in the comments section of this article and a trained member of SMN Ministries will gladly assist you, free of charge.

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Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
6 years ago

You all should have been swallowed!

Nikita Shalavin
6 years ago

I have a question. How do you like a little dandruff with your bad AIDS masturbators? Will you people ever learn?!

I am cat
6 years ago

Dogs don’t get aids

TR0LLCEO
TR0LLCEO
6 years ago

Ok, I’ve searched this ENTIRE article… And have found zero intelligence. Are you sure you’re a combat veteran? Because they only accept men there. Not pussy Mormons who have to pet dogs with newspapers. If you were in the army, I am worried for our country’s safety. Just kidding. I like freedom. Stop trying to tell me my doings are wrong.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  TR0LLCEO

I’ve never told you your “doings were wrong”…. until now. I don’t even know what you are doing, but I can tell it is wrong.

Connor
Connor
6 years ago

Whoa people. This is satire. Chill

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

Fap fap fap fappity fap

Carden
Carden
6 years ago

Dude… your god sucks.

SatansBiBitch
6 years ago

All hail Satan! The master of masturbation!

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  SatansBiBitch

Your name implies that Satan does bad things to you. Perhaps it’s time to give up masturbating.

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

And your hat implies that you are a nurse maid for cows are you? Silly hillbilly!

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

And I got one more prayer! I’m going to crawl my way back to the top of the prayer leader board

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

How many prayer points do you have now?

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

I had 81 just above jasper centaur then all of a sudden I got booted down to 19. I’ve crawled back up to 30. But that’s ok I’ll keep talking and spewing forth my wisdom to you ignorant hillbillies just for grins! Fap fap fap

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

I’m sure the pray-against points are working against you.

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

Fap fap fap

Praise

Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
6 years ago

You know they was the plates you dumbass Liam???

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Korean Jesus

They was what?

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

Fap fap fapitty fap

JimmyIsMyDaddy
JimmyIsMyDaddy
6 years ago

All praise Jimmy. For he is bringing light to this wesite of satanists! I hope you all come to your senses and listen to jimmy. Praise. (Fap fap fap)

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

Thank you my son. Fap on!