5 Foods To Prevent Masturbation

Safford AZ, SMN.ORG homebase (SMNN)

Masturbation and temptation are vile indeed, but our crack team of faithexperts have come up with a list of five foods that can help stop temptation and eliminate the urge to violate yourself.

5) The Ghost Pepper
green pepper

Ghost Peppers come from South America (Lesser Mexico), where the tribals that grow them won’t even go near them for fear of instantaneous death by spiciness. Their native heathen tales tell of a huge flying feathered penis god, that required human blood, penis blood-letting, and mass-consumption of the peppers during Satanic ceremonies, long since eliminated by the ancient Spanish Mexicans during the 15th century.

The Ghost Pepper is useful to the self-celibate because of it’s dual-action properties, which not only eliminate turgid thoughts via oral consumption, but also has proven effective as a direct to genital application.

4) Calamari
japanese tentacle

This is a mistake, this shouldn’t be on here at all. Dr Enis, please take this out before this goes to print! Calamari! I can’t believe you would do this, you think this is funny? This was supposed to be Weatabix. Stop screwing around! Time is money!

3) Grape-Nuts

Though certainly wholesome and anti-masturbatory, Grape-Nuts has failed to catch on after 132 years as it is mostly gravel.
Though certainly wholesome and anti-masturbatory, Grape-Nuts has failed to catch on after 132 years as it is mostly gravel.

Designed by Dr Kellogg himself, during his waning, and even more insane days, Grape-Nuts originally were entirely composed of granite gravel and pumice, but in recent times, have been converted to more palatable minerals such as pumice and plaster.

The massive physical weight of holding a serving of Grape-Nuts in one’s gullet has been proven to make it impossible to become sexually aroused because of the huge diversion of blood-flow to the over-worked guts and bowels.

Grape-Nuts is also a dual-purpose anti-masturbational aid, in that it also is painful when contacted with one’s genitals, in all but the highest-ranking scLIEntists of NASA, who masturbate with Grape-Nuts constantly as they are deplorable.

2) Mentos and Diet Pepsi
America Without Lonnie Childs

Mentos and Diet Pepsi can be fatal if consumed simultaneously, and thus are a radically effective masturbation preventative!

1) Porterhouse Steak
porterhouse steak

Now who could shame themselves when presented with this delicious steak? No true, Normal, red-blooded man, that’s for darn tootin’! This steak is so magnificent, that your only thoughts should be getting a big old mouthful of that delicious, juicy, beef up in your mouth.

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Thomas Kelly
About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

18 Comments on 5 Foods To Prevent Masturbation

  1. Mr. Thomas Kelly,
    As editor to editor I must compliment you on this fascinating work linking certain foods with the shameless and degrading act of self-abuse. Everytime I hear their stories I feel dirty and violated. All those boys & young men in the ministry's youth program, many of whom I've personally counseled over the years, some I've taken under my wing. With God's grace they've joined the ministry & are part of our victims recovery group teaching and helping the new victims who always crop up every year. Anyway just thought I'd leave my comment. Keep doing the Lord's work brother.
    NC

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      • No, be I work at NASA, I masturbate, and you said something about scientists at NASA masturbating, see the connection?

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        • One of the Brothers and I visited the NASA's just before Jesus Christ's birthday in December. We inquired (other janitors) after you and nobody knew who you were. You are a charlatan!

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          • 4 things:
            1. You don't even know my real name, so you couldn't ask anyone about me.
            2. I work in a RESTRICTED area, you would not have gotten in there without breaking the law.
            3. What day did you visit? If it was on or after December 15th, then i was not there, I was in Florida visiting my wife's family.
            4. Where did you go? If it was the JPL facility in California, then you were at my workplace, but if was Kennedy Space Center or Houston, you weren't at my workplace.

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          • Just curious, Smart Guy. Are you autistic? Not judging, it's just that it might explain a few things about you. You can admit it, this is a safe place.

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          • If I was autistic then I wouldn't be using s computer, have a job, and a masters in engineering. And that's offensive to ask people, now answer the questions I asked about your visit, if you even went there.

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          • LOL, are you seriously suggesting autistic people cannot operate a computer, have a job or obtain a degree in engineering? Good God, you have massive issues.

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          • My wife volunteers at a camp for autistic kids and all of them would never be able to get degrees because they have learning issues, along with bright lights issues, and social issues. Sorry, but it's a sad truth, unless you have a less serious version, like my friend's brother.

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  2. Will it help if I shove them up my nose? At this point, I'm willing to try anything. Nose masturbation is killing me!

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  3. Hello, can someone help me? I want to join BLUFF, how do I do that. I am a dominant gendered normal with non-tribal skin color. I wish to join to get help for my recent sin of a threesome with two lesser gendered homogays.

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