Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

Dr. Paul Horner, a sociology professor at BYU and has just thrown down the gauntlet in the war against self rape with his new invention. He has designed a ‘Self-Rape Whistle’ to help protect today’s youth against the constant barrage of temptation.

“The idea is simple” says Dr. Horner. “Whenever the young boy or girl feels the urge to masturbate, they just blow on the whistle real loud. This will call attention to themselves, alarm their friends and family to the threat and encourage them to intervene…” The students are urged to carry the whistle with them at all times or wear it around their neck with the provided lanyard. “You never know when the Devil’s temptation will strike…” Dr. Horner iterates.

A recent test study group of over 200 BYU students has ended with mostly positive results. Reports of masturbation has dropped drastically in over 78% of the students involved but risen in the remaining 22%. One possible explanation for this is what Dr. Horner has called a ‘Pavlovian side-effect’ in which some students now seem to be conditioning themselves to become aroused at the sound of a whistle. “We’re still working out the kinks…” he admits. “But nobody can deny the progress we’ve made.”

The program has had trouble with funding however. Recently, its application for a grant from the U.S. Department of Education was declined, citing that the invention is “… just a normal whistle, with the words ‘HELP ME STOP’ printed on it.” Not one to be easily discouraged, Dr. Horner is exploring other avenues. He is currently seeking an endorsement from Fappy ® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and is planning on launching a Kickstarter campaign soon to help pay for the 3D printing costs. If successful, he plans to launch and educational tour of high schools and colleges around the country handing out the whistles to disparaged students.


About James Woodrow 1 Article
James Woodrow is a freelance writer and an LDS Elder. Currently he resides in St. George, Utah with his wife Esther and two sons, Abner and Amos. He is also a recovering porn addict and has dedicated his adult life to teaching today's youth the dangers of idle hands and the temptations of the self flesh.

49 Comments on Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

  1. If I make a donation of 250$, will I receive 17 whistles to provide to my same color normal, correct gender children? They are all of the age where temptation is rising and this glorious instrument of Anti Self Rape will help out tremendously.

    Praise, praise.


    • It’s a disgrace or stupid to want to protect our children from self Sexual Assault?

      I pray for you, my son.


      • sexual assult is only when someone does something or touches someone who doesnt want it. every time i masturbate Rev. Tuggins i give myself permission to touch myself so its not sexual assult your just a religious fucking fucked up freak!!!

  2. Doctor Horner is a innovator with a heart AND a brain! What a great development. There are so many people who want to stop – they just need help and encouragement from their betters.

  3. No wonder his grant was rejected! He asked for to little. I think he should reapply and ask for 3 trillion dollars. That way the U.S. government would know he’s serious & would realize that he will make a huge difference.

  4. U.S. Department of Education declined to help us pay to get these out there? Do they want people to self-rape??

  5. LOL is this for real??? I’m laughing so much right now. This is a fucking joke. Masturbation is healthy and natural.

    • You´re soooooo right. I also feel that there´s some racism from some people over here. Im I right?

      • Typical heathen, pointing and shouting ‘Race Card’. Everyone is equal, whether they be normal, non-normal, Mexicaneses, Snow Mexicaneses, Island Convicts, Ornamentals or Shadynavians. Us normals just so happen to be less likely to self-rape, making us superior in the eyes of God.

        Praying AT you!

        • Amen, sister Truffle.

          Are you still scheduled to give your speech at the ccompound this weekend?

          I am quite looking forward to your break down of how Masturbation is the leading cause of Breast cancer.

          Being that you have witnessed these atrocities first hand in the field during your “Spread the Word, not your Seed” tour.

          Praise on high, my son.


          • Yes, Brother Rev. Richard, I am scheduled to speak tomorrow, after morning prayer’s.

            I will also be speaking about Foetal Masturbation Syndrome, as I was myself afflicted after many years of self-rape, before Saint Lonnie found me and took mercy on my depraved soul.

            Bless you and Praise.

    • You are a “troll” atheist here to harass us. We are good Christans here to spread the seed of Lonnie all over. Please come back when you would like to heal from your filthy ways.

  6. Perhaps if Vanir (WTF?) learned spelling and grammar his/her comment would have some credibility.

  7. I’m a 16 year old male, who masturbates on a regular basis. Sometimes up to three times a day. I’m not dead, nor have I been struck by lightning. All of this fucking religious propaganda BS about masturbation being evil pisses me off. Seriously, this is actually the most idiotic, imbecilic thing I’ve heard in my lifetime.

    There is no scientific — oh dear shrek, please don’t tell me that science is a sin — evidence that masturbation is in any way harmful. It’s proven to relieve stress, promote relaxation, improve prostate health in men, and also even help one fall asleep.

    To anybody who is a serious follower of this organisation, I wish you nothing but the worst. If you’re that stupid, stupid enough to blindly follow conspiracy without ‘hard’ (oh look, I made a sexual pun) evidence, there’s no reason that you should alive contributing to society’s descent to complete and utter doom.

    Now, please excuse me, I’m going to go have a bat. OH NO! WAIT, I CAN’T. I’D BE SELF-RAPING MYSELF LOL.

    • You’re just another victim of The Big Masturbation, propaganda machine. Good luck with the wrist cancer in 4 years time.

      • Are you actually retarded? You’re completely fucking insane. If anything wouldn’t it improve wrist strength? Jesus Christ. Fucking bullshit, all of you.

      • HAHAHA. Wrist cancer?? I take great comfort in knowing there are people like you in the world who can be used as stepping stones on my way to the top because of your preoccupation with being obsessed over such a mundane issue. Have fun wasting your life on this while I accomplish something meaningful in life rather than being remembered as a joke.

        • We accomplish great things here! For eg. Getting simple minded folks like you to STOP MASTURBATING. Please see the Phototestimonials section for evidence of this.

          Praying AT your misguided soul.

      • your just a stupid person who needs to shove hers and Rev.Richards opinions up both of your asses, i hope his opinion goes up his urethra so it hurts him more cuz hes just a dumb cunt, like you Truffle

  8. are you aware that if you use tge contacted version of your name it would be deemed an appropriate term for masturbatio? Dick tuggin

    • Dear Lord, I apologize for I am about to sin.

      Are you aware that there is a concept most commonly referred to as “Spell Check”?

      Also Master Batio is not here anymore. He has passed many months ago. Please respect his passing

      I pray for your heathen, genital assaulting soul. Trying to skew my godly given name is a sad stab at my enlightened mind. My parents named me Richard, not Dick. Also I am the last surviving member of the house of Tuggins. A respected name in the Holy community.

      As a man of God, please take your negativity elsewhere. And I will pray for your advancement in the education of the English language.

      Praise on high.


    • This is exactly where the mastyrbatory liberal heathen self rapists have less this country. I will pay for you, my son.

  9. Pull the dick out of your ass you oversized twats. Masturbation is healthy and helps with less unwanted pregnancies. Try it you may not be so angry all the time.

    • Who said we are angry? I am at peace with God. God gives me clarity. The ones who are disgruntled are the non believer, heathen, genital abusers.

      I will be praying at you.

      Peace be with you, my son.


    • Masturbation causes teen pregnancy and many other problems and is a SIN. We have proof. FaithFacts#

  10. I vow never to ignore the sound of a whistle as it could be a cry for help in the fight against self-rape! We must help our fellow Christian warriors in their time of need. Praise!

  11. I would love to have a fact finding debate with you. I think we could learn from each other and bring ourselfs to a common understanding. Praise be to my lord and yours.

  12. Does it count if you just randomly get orgasms sometimes, I didn’t even masturbate… Does that mean I am going to hell??????:( I think I need one of these!!!!!!!

  13. This is one of the most idiotic articles I have ever read. Self-rape? Does this guy even know what rape means?

    • Hello, “guy” of course Rev. Tuggins knows what rape means! the question is do you know? If so, then you would fully understand the act of self-rape and wouldn’t post such idiotic questions on our christian website.

  14. I thought this was fake at first. After sitting here slack jawed and then having a very good laugh, I have determined it is not. You can’t get yourself pregnant. You can’t rape yourself. If you don’t want to masturbate, just don’t. If you do, that is fine too. You are some seriously repressed and delusional people. I feel quite sorry for you. (Insert stereotypical brainwashed response about how it is actually me who deserves sympathy, because I am going to hell. Yada Yada.) Get a life.

  15. As a long time atheist I stopped self raping two weeks ago to see what this is all about. Let me tell you non-believers a little first hand truth. Since I stopped abusing myself God presented himself to me and I’ve found myself a beautiful girl to not masturbate with. My only regret is spending so many years in the hell of self rape before finding this site. I wish to join the fight and will be making homemade self rape whistles to help the local poor community who can’t afford their own whistles. Praise Lonnie!

  16. But it’s perfectly okay for a girl to be raped, as long as “they deserved it, right? This entire site is just a big laugh

  17. There is clear and researchable scientific evidence illustrating that masturbation is perfectly normal and a part of psychosocial development. Also, the definition of “rape” is sexual actions upon someone WITHOUT CONSENT. As masturbation is purely mindful and consensual (After all, you decided upon it.), it cannot be called “self-rape.”

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