Dr. Paul Horner, a sociology professor at BYU and has just thrown down the gauntlet in the war against self rape with his new invention. He has designed a ‘Self-Rape Whistle’ to help protect today’s youth against the constant barrage of temptation.
“The idea is simple” says Dr. Horner. “Whenever the young boy or girl feels the urge to masturbate, they just blow on the whistle real loud. This will call attention to themselves, alarm their friends and family to the threat and encourage them to intervene…” The students are urged to carry the whistle with them at all times or wear it around their neck with the provided lanyard. “You never know when the Devil’s temptation will strike…” Dr. Horner iterates.
A recent test study group of over 200 BYU students has ended with mostly positive results. Reports of masturbation has dropped drastically in over 78% of the students involved but risen in the remaining 22%. One possible explanation for this is what Dr. Horner has called a ‘Pavlovian side-effect’ in which some students now seem to be conditioning themselves to become aroused at the sound of a whistle. “We’re still working out the kinks…” he admits. “But nobody can deny the progress we’ve made.”
The program has had trouble with funding however. Recently, its application for a grant from the U.S. Department of Education was declined, citing that the invention is “… just a normal whistle, with the words ‘HELP ME STOP’ printed on it.” Not one to be easily discouraged, Dr. Horner is exploring other avenues. He is currently seeking an endorsement from Fappy ® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and is planning on launching a Kickstarter campaign soon to help pay for the 3D printing costs. If successful, he plans to launch and educational tour of high schools and colleges around the country handing out the whistles to disparaged students.