We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is a measure of blood flow to the penis. The penile monitoring is typically achieved by “measuring the circumference of the penis with a mercury-in-rubber or electromechanical strain gauge, or the volume of the penis with an airtight cylinder and inflatable cuff at the base of the penis”.
Brother Lonnie is lobbying for the penile monitoring mechanism to be put on the offender at all times, not just during a limited testing period. Brother Les Carmichael explains that, “Brother Lonnie wants to know at all times if these masturbators are getting erections. Not only will it help determine how frequently the masturbator, on average, achieves erection, but it will serve to adjust other lobbying campaigns as to what materials inflame the masturbator and should also be made illegal.” Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Faiths have made up a demo version of the penile monitor they intend to produce and sell to the state governments that have passed Tina’s Law. “The prototype is pretty rough,” adds Brother Carmichael. “We’ve got a simple cardboard box with an insertion point for the masturbator’s penis, but didn’t have time to show where all of the sensors and wires all go inside. We’re still confident that our sketches will get the attention of the lawmakers and we’ll have erection monitors ready to mount on the bodies of all suspected masturbators.”
Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts is especially looking forward to a day where mandatory penile monitoring is a reality. “We’ll learn so much about offensive things in life that may never had been banished if not for this new research,” adds Brother Carmichael. “Not only will we be preventing self-rape by monitoring these rapists, but we’ll make so many valuable discoveries along the way. Lonnie willing it will be so. Praise Lonnie!”
Praise Lonnie, indeed.