Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

Project L.O.N.N.I.E. (Leading Outlaw Non-Normals Into Enlightenment)

Project L.O.N.N.I.E. in action

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — (SMNNN) Borrowing from a popular anti-prostitution program in Phoenix, Arizona, the Safford, Arizona police department has started Project L.O.N.N.I.E. in an attempt to get masturbators off the streets. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. (Leading Outlaw Non-Normals Into Enlightenment) was ushered in when Lonnie Childs of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts beat Safford Police Chief, P.J. Hammond, in a game of cards. Hammond agreed to make masturbation illegal within the Safford, Arizona city limits and subject to punishment as set forth in Project L.O.N.N.I.E.

Project L.O.N.N.I.E. walk of salvation
Several sin cave invaders taking the walk to salvation thanks to Project L.O.N.N.I.E.

Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is a program that detains masturbators in the name of saving them and turning them on to the path of Lonnie Childs. Despite the name, the program goes after all individuals caught masturbating in Safford, not just the non-normals. After rounding up several van loads of deviants, they are dropped off by Safford PD, in handcuffs, at the Safford BLUFF campound. Once there, the filthy masturbators are evaluated by BLUFF conversion staff and local prosecutors. The cases deemed worthy of saving are then offered an alternative to life in the Safford city jail. The deviants willing to accept Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love and Forgiveness and begin anti-masturbation bootcamp at the campound are enrolled and not charged with masturbation. Those deemed unworthy by the selection committee or that refuse salvation are sentenced to life in the Safford city jail.

Chief P.J. Hammond said, “Thankfully most of the masturbators are able to be salvaged and accepted by BLUFF, otherwise we’d have a real capacity problem since the Safford jail can only hold up to 10 inmates. I still can’t believe I lost that game of cards to Lonnie, he’s quite the card shark – but I’m a man of my word.” As Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is still a new program, actual salvation statistics were unavailable at press time. Dr. Leonard Chimball, Jr. from BLUFF did say that several graphs and charts proving the effectiveness of Project L.O.N.N.I.E. would be available once “the children have finished compiling all of the statistics”.

Masturhaters are up in arms at the guilty masturbators being “forced” to accept Lonnie Childs as their personal savior to avoid jail time. Fortunately, only masturhaters are upset and no one who matters cares what they have to say. Criminology Professor Howard Smith of BLUFF added, “These filthy masturbators are being lawfully detained as per the law in Safford, Arizona. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is legally just a ‘program’ and what is erroneously being referred to as an ‘arrest’ is simply just called ‘contact’ in this case. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is merely just a service opportunity for individuals with a very shameful and disgusting problem that needs to be fixed.”

Sister Norma L. Nelson
Sister Norma L. Nelson moments before her life changed for the better.

Perhaps the most important endorsement of Project L.O.N.N.I.E. comes from the graduates who are now full functioning members of the BLUFF campound. Sister Norma L. Nelson, one such success story, had the following to say, “Before Project L.O.N.N.I.E, my masturbation pimp beat me, he tortured me. I self-raped. But then I was brought into Project L.O.N.N.I.E. and I paid close attention to all of conversion classes and gave my all in the many workshops. I focused mainly on what I wanted out of my life, which was to serve Lonnie Childs and His vision. If not for Project L.O.N.N.I.E., I would have died of a mastubation disease out there on those streets. I now know the Faith Facts and I am lucky to be alive.”

Sister Norma’s words speak for themselves. Praise Lonnie and praise Project L.O.N.N.I.E. for saving lives that otherwise would have been wasted.

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About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

21 Comments on Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

  1. Ah, you know what I love about this website? The facts! They're just so true that its almost like they're not! That's because they aren't true! Every single thing on this website is complete and utter bullshit. Expectantly this one.

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    • Perhaps you should go to Safford and try seeing just how "not true" this is. I'm sure the Brothers will be excited to see you arriving with the newest group of Project L.O.N.N.I.E. recruits.

      Praise.

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      • Well Ms.Redmond I've done some research on these laws that you say have been put into place and guess what? I found nothing about these laws. Its a wonderful thing, the internet is.

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  2. We needed this in Las Vegas really bad. That town is filled the brim with masturbators, masturbation pimps and moral corruption. It's disgusting and thank Lonnie I now live in a sane state like Arizona.

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  3. Praise, Sister Cathy for including my amazing metamorphosis in your news article here on the netsite.

    I'll let you know this "Darkblitzfrenzy" person uses a lot of masturbation pimp street slang on this netsite.

    He sounds a lot like a masturbation pimp I used to know in Pearce, Arizona before my pimp moved us to Safford. Even if it's not the same pimp, I'll bet this guy is just another masturbation pimp coming on this netsite trying to turn out some wayward lesser gendered that he can work his mind games on.

    Thank Lonnie that Brother Lonnie Himself has come here to His netsite to Bible-slap these pimps into glorious submission!

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  4. THIS AIN'T NO LIES, THIS IS A REAL STORY ABOUT MUH BUDDY LONNIE BEATING ME AT POKER AND MUH TRYING OUT HIS PROGRAM TO GIT SCUM LIKE YOU OFF THE STREETS. I DON'T USE THE WORLDWIDEWEB THAT MUCH BUT MUH SECRETARY LADY IN THE OFFICE SAID SOME HIPPY TYPE WAS ON HERE TALKING TRASH ABOUT HOW WE DO UP LAW IN OUR PARTS. BEST STEER CLEAR OF SAFFORD, PLOW BOY, OR REST ASSURED THEM BLUFF BOYS WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE YOU. Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW.

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  5. darkblizfrenzy is a masturbation gamer, which is the worst type of gamer there is. They have a dark, disgusting, filthy time while playing masturbation games over the world wide web with complete strangers. It's like anonymous masturbation sex in a dirty truck stop men's room with strangers, only it's in your mother's basement.

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  6. wait a minute is this a satire site...

    "Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love and Forgiveness"

    Golden Shower..

    come on why would an anti-masturbation site use such a well known sexual term for peeing on someone...

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    • I thought this was suppose to be peaceful...why are you resorting to murder for people who have done nothing wrong?

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  7. I am really not shure weher this is satire or mislead people.
    If this is satire: Chapeau! This would be satire taken to a hole new level, and I am not so sure if I think satire should go that far.

    If not (wich I fear is the actuall case here), then you guys should defenitly talk to some professional. Whatever mistreatment you recieved to end up actually thinking about this as beeing right... You don't have to come over it alone, there are people who can help you!

    To the article itself:

    First of all, you may think about masturbation in anyway you want, thus is the nature of freedom of thought. But you will have to accept that others think differently about self-satisfaction. You are not to interfere with the privat actions of another human beeing.

    To the religious part: GOD loves everyone and everyone equally. He knows you, and does not prefere skin colours, political opinions, sexual practices or religious ideas. How come you to think you are wiser than GOD thinking that anyone is less worth than anotherone, do you actually think that you are better as an faptronaut than someone who has intercourse with himself regularly? If so, better start colecting arguments of defense for the time you will look into your saviours eyes!

    So, you all have a nice day, and please start to actually help people, don't oppress anyone, don't horass anyone, and seriously don't mind anyone masturbating, it really is non of your buisness!

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