Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — (SMNNN) Borrowing from a popular anti-prostitution program in Phoenix, Arizona, the Safford, Arizona police department has started Project L.O.N.N.I.E. in an attempt to get masturbators off the streets. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. (Leading Outlaw Non-Normals Into Enlightenment) was ushered in when Lonnie Childs of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts beat Safford Police Chief, P.J. Hammond, in a game of cards. Hammond agreed to make masturbation illegal within the Safford, Arizona city limits and subject to punishment as set forth in Project L.O.N.N.I.E.

Several sin cave invaders taking the walk to salvation thanks to Project L.O.N.N.I.E.

Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is a program that detains masturbators in the name of saving them and turning them on to the path of Lonnie Childs. Despite the name, the program goes after all individuals caught masturbating in Safford, not just the non-normals. After rounding up several van loads of deviants, they are dropped off by Safford PD, in handcuffs, at the Safford BLUFF campound. Once there, the filthy masturbators are evaluated by BLUFF conversion staff and local prosecutors. The cases deemed worthy of saving are then offered an alternative to life in the Safford city jail. The deviants willing to accept Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love and Forgiveness and begin anti-masturbation bootcamp at the campound are enrolled and not charged with masturbation. Those deemed unworthy by the selection committee or that refuse salvation are sentenced to life in the Safford city jail.

Chief P.J. Hammond said, “Thankfully most of the masturbators are able to be salvaged and accepted by BLUFF, otherwise we’d have a real capacity problem since the Safford jail can only hold up to 10 inmates. I still can’t believe I lost that game of cards to Lonnie, he’s quite the card shark – but I’m a man of my word.” As Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is still a new program, actual salvation statistics were unavailable at press time. Dr. Leonard Chimball, Jr. from BLUFF did say that several graphs and charts proving the effectiveness of Project L.O.N.N.I.E. would be available once “the children have finished compiling all of the statistics”.

Masturhaters are up in arms at the guilty masturbators being “forced” to accept Lonnie Childs as their personal savior to avoid jail time. Fortunately, only masturhaters are upset and no one who matters cares what they have to say. Criminology Professor Howard Smith of BLUFF added, “These filthy masturbators are being lawfully detained as per the law in Safford, Arizona. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is legally just a ‘program’ and what is erroneously being referred to as an ‘arrest’ is simply just called ‘contact’ in this case. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. is merely just a service opportunity for individuals with a very shameful and disgusting problem that needs to be fixed.”

Sister Norma L. Nelson moments before her life changed for the better.

Perhaps the most important endorsement of Project L.O.N.N.I.E. comes from the graduates who are now full functioning members of the BLUFF campound. Sister Norma L. Nelson, one such success story, had the following to say, “Before Project L.O.N.N.I.E, my masturbation pimp beat me, he tortured me. I self-raped. But then I was brought into Project L.O.N.N.I.E. and I paid close attention to all of conversion classes and gave my all in the many workshops. I focused mainly on what I wanted out of my life, which was to serve Lonnie Childs and His vision. If not for Project L.O.N.N.I.E., I would have died of a mastubation disease out there on those streets. I now know the Faith Facts and I am lucky to be alive.”

Sister Norma’s words speak for themselves. Praise Lonnie and praise Project L.O.N.N.I.E. for saving lives that otherwise would have been wasted.