Saving Souls From Masturbation On Public Transportation

Masturbation on a bus

I knew this mission would be difficult when I saw this as the bus pulled to my stop.
I knew this mission would be difficult when I saw this as the bus pulled to my stop.

We all learned in history class, that back in 1892, Harriet Tubman boarded a bus and refused to move from the front seat for a White man. This caused the “Civil Rights” protests and eventually, “Affirmative Action”. What they don’t teach in Public Schools though, is the reason why this Tribal female refused to move from that seat. The reason was, the motors on buses back then were in the front, and the vibrations were greater in the front than the back. This “Civil Rights” Hero was nothing less than a filthy masturbator trying to get her rocks off on the bus. This is why I have spent the last 5 years riding on these motorized port-a-potties, trying to let people know the dangers of masturbation. The epidemic continues to worsen every single year.

The NAACP will bust into our comments section, claiming that Negroids were deserving of their banana reparations, but this article is about my time on a bus, not their freedom to throw poop at random Whites and argue that it is a protest, and their right. People have forgotten what actual “Rights” are, and they are being misused. I will not let this stand.

This bus is full of semen from all the masturbators on board.
This bus is full of semen from all the masturbators on board.

These missions can be very dangerous, so I bring a team of highly trained, heavily armed guards with me. Their duties, beyond keeping me safe, are to police the stops before and after the one I am boarding at, and remove poor people, blacks, illegal Mexicans, Muslim terrorists and the Dutch. If those types happen to already be aboard, they monitor them very closely, with orders to detain or shoot them if they attempt to touch me and give me the Bad AIDS or Ebola. I also wear a CDC certified Haz-Mat suit at all times while on public transportation, and you should as well.

As I boarded the bus, I was instantly hit with the smell of acrid human fluids and desperation, even through the Haz-Mat suit. My first thought was to pull the emergency exit and jump, but Lonnie Childs was counting on me to save some Self-Rapists, so I soldiered on. After surveying the crowd, I realized that there were very few White people, rather it was mostly Communist Japanese from China and obese black women who were “Catfishing” the other tribals while attempting to “sex-text message” them into a pregnancy. I instantly noticed one KFC-Planet that was fingering her Clam Bake, while sexy-texting a nubial Nigerian Prince. This gargantuan orangutan was about to explode with the Devil’s juices, so I instantly threw my Bible at her face to stop the explosion of “Shemen” about to evacuate her man-banana sheath, but my Bible was caught in her orbit and just circled her like the Sun circling the Earth. I was instantly stunned. Could it be possible that she had figured out how to counteract the Holy Bible, just by getting so fat that she sucks everything into her orbit? God help me, Lonnie save me.

Actual photo of black ham planet trying to "Sexy Text" on the bus.
Actual photo of black ham planet trying to “Sexy Text” on the bus.

At this point, I am not sure if I can stand to stay on this bus, but Lonnie has willed me on. Suddenly, I hear “I’m coming!!!” being yelled by the Black Forest Ham-Planet, which made me wonder where she was coming too, because the bus hadn’t started moving yet. One of my security guards radioed me that “coming” was a term for an orgasm, which made me giggle, because I have been married for over 20 years, and I know that women can’t orgasm. What I witnessed from that black planet’s hole next was indescribable, but I will try. Remember when the Ghostbusters would blow up Slimer? It was that times 3000. I was so happy that I had my Haz-Mat suit on, because I was covered in, what can only be described as urine and stinky marshmallow cream. My security unit is now useless, because they are paralyzed in fear of this exploding planet, I am not sure I can ride public transportation again. I hope this nightmare that I lived through will help the Government end Public Transportation, once and for all. If that doesn’t happen, I will be visiting San Francisco on a Business trip, and I may attempt another Bus Mission in the Capital of Self-Rape. Stay Tuned.

This woman wanted to hear my sermon so much, she pretended to be a bicycle.
This woman wanted to hear my sermon so much, she pretended to be a bicycle.
About Bruce Danus 14 Articles

Bruce Danus is a lifelong lover of Jesus and different types of cheeses. He has saved thousands of souls from burning in Hell, by riding public transportation and preaching the word of God and Lonnie Childs. He has traveled to many Third World Countries like Detroit and East L.A. to save masturbators from Double Hell, and bring them clean water.

Contact: Website

24 Comments on Saving Souls From Masturbation On Public Transportation

  1. Fuck your soul, fuck your mother and fuck your bible. In my live I have never heard such over exaggerated, utterly untrue rubbish! And this Lonnie Childs is just as good as your ‘god’? Fuck you.

  2. yo anger is not the answer but is this for real? is this a joke? first off can you explain to me what is so wrong with masturbation and second off what you said about the protester is not true where did you come up with that?!

  3. Harriet Tubman started the Civil Rights movement in 1892???

    That alone should tell you this article is either full of satire, bullshit, or a little bit of both.

    • Look, we have a history expert, who was apparently on that bus. Please enlighten us on how this situation played out, because I have a Ph.D. in Faith Fact History from Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, sir. So I am obviously correct.

      • How many experts? The thing is, you have to have more than one, because right there in the article is what only backs up ONE belief. You have to have more than one person with a different idea. You just cannot have your own or you a missing have of the truth.

  4. It is you guys who make the catholic faith look so bad! Always judging everyone else, BUT yourselves. Why? Is it because you think you are so perfect? This article is flawed in belief so bad. I understand that the Catholic Faith is against masturbation, but that is not going to stop OTHER people from doing it. Putting out racial remarks and slurs to get your ignorant point across is not going to do anything. Sorry if I seem so rude, but this article really makes me rethink why my parents placed me within the catholic faith. Yes; people are entitled to their own belief, but I do not believe in this. I do not believe in being rude toward other people just to prove a point. They are not “Negroids” they are people. She was an American Hero and deserves to be treated like one. Even if she was a masturbator, what difference does it make? She stood up for her rights as an American, and a human being, not as a person treated wrongfully just because she was of a different color.

    • I appreciate your civil response, but there is nothing written in this article that is in any way untrue. Harriet Tubman was, in fact, a nigro. There is no denying that. But she has been incorrectly cast as a “hero” by other nigros and non-normals as well as by the LIEberal media when in reality she was merely moving to the front of the bus in a fiendish attempt to pleasure herself.

  5. I posted my comment, and I had 33 people that “prayed against it”. Stop botting and show the truth for what it really is.

      • I find that rather offensive since I am Korean… Please, if you are going to say something like that, you do not have to include the race with it. We all make mistakes.

        • Some more than others. Let’s face it, Americans don’t elect Kim Jong Il as their leader and walk around in gray uniforms all day. The only mistake we made is hiring a non-normal to do a normal mans work. Lesson learned!

          • Here is the thing, you are not keeping in mind that the place you are talking about is North Korea. Ever since I was a little girl people made fun of my race just because I was Korean. I just find that offensive that you consider them to be a non normal, when truth behold, we all are not normal, but instead different from one another.

  6. I’m 20, pregnant with my first, masturbate regularly. I’ve been tested, no diseases. Completely healthy & normal baby. I hope people don’t actually believe this stuff.

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