SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

No more sleepless nights worrying your children are masturbating

Parents, Do you ever lie awake at night worrying your children are masturbating?

I know I sure did, that was until I started tucking my 23 Same Race Normal Children to bed safely wrapped up in the Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”.

Now I can rest assured that my boys will not be tempted to shake their SinSticks or the girls will not be Jibbering their Girly Bits.

No more

  • hourly finger sniff checks for the girls
  • no more crusty tube socks in the boys room
  • no more sleepless nights

Made in the USA

This new product from SMN Industries is made from Monsanto’s Eco-Friendly SoyRich blend Nylon, Heavy Duty Durable Velcro to keep little hands, mouths, and fingers safely away from the Sin Zones, and it is machine washable.  It comes in sizes from Infant to Teens, and all sizes in between.

Kid Tested, Mom Approved! 

Another Happy & Well Rested Mom that loves SMN products.
Another Happy & Well Rested Mom that loves her Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

Now you can keep your children free from Self-Rape 24/7/365 by using  The Anti-Masturbation Cross by Day and The Uncle Lonnie’s  “No Wankie Blankie by night”


To order your Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie” for only $199.00 (plus S&H) call (785)273-0325

Operators are standing by

About TheRev Leroy Jenkins 36 Articles
TheRev Leroy Jenkins was born the oldest of 13 children in a small farm town of Sweet Apple, Oh. While on the farm he learned to fear god, a woman's place is in the kitchen, a mans place is to be the head of the household, and masturbation is a sin. At 18 TheRev left his small town and moved to Seattle to attend college, while there he was tempted by some filthy pot-weed injecting hippies to try masturbations, this led to a downward spiral of ellis dee bong hits, pot weed injections, listening to Milli Vanilli, and holding a sign saying "Will self rape for McNuggets." He was at his lowest point in his life when he was saved by Lonnie Childs of the Stop Masturbation Now church, Lonnie took him in, bathed him in his Holy Golden Shower of Truth, and educated him in FaithFacts™ and Brother Lonnie's University of FaithFacts™ in Stafford, AZ. TheRev was an avid student and earned his PHD of FaithFacts™ from B.L.U.FF and was sent out on a Mission to spread Lonnie's word to heathen Amish-Mexicans in rural Ohio. TheRev now resides in Ohio and runs the Ohio B.L.U.FF campus in Homersville, Oh with his 5 Same Race Assigned Spouses and his 23 Normal children. Brother Leroy is Senior Staff writer for B.L.U.FF Press LLC. In 2011 TheRev was awarded The Pulitzer Prize and Edward G. Murrow Award for his in depth expose' on the Myth of the Female Orgasm.
Contact: Website

78 Comments on SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

  1. This is truly a blessing from God. My only product suggestion. Would to double the restraint straps on the Teenager system. As the child gets older their strength becomes increasing hard to prevent self rape. Possibly chains and a lock would be best added to this finely American crafted gift from God.

    Much praise, keep spreading the word of God and our Prophet Lonnie. I am excited to see this in use at the compound in Arizona.


      • First off, you belong in the English classroom. The word “You” has other letters. That is, assuming you meant that word. As far as we all know you meant to type the words, Emu, Umbrella, Uterus, or any other word that has a “U” in it.

        Secondly, we are all in hell already, mainly because of people like you. I mean….. “U”. Being in this plane of existence with you heathen Self Rapists. Whom are all Pro HomoGay marriage, spewing falsehoods via ScLIEnce, and causing your genitals mental trauma through self sexual assault.

        I apologize as I generally am not an angry individual, but your damning words and obvious hatred of child safety sickens me.

        I will pray for your broken soul, my son.


        • Where is your love, man? What is the source of your preoccupation with whether or not someone is yanking their chain at night?

          Also, since genitals aren’t sentient beings, but rather a part of the whole that makes a person, how could they experience mental trauma?

          It’s people like you who suggest that there should be binding chains and restraints for their children that make me physically sick to my stomach.

          I hope that God’s love touches your heart of stone, and that you show your children genuine parental love instead of traumatizing them with this abhorrent excuse for a product.

          • I am full of love, for people who understand how to type coherently.

            I am not aware of any genitals being Buddhist believers, so the sentient theory is a failing one. How does a Penis meditate? How does a vagina practice Shaolin Kung Fu? The answer is probably not.

            I did actually mention upgrading our No Wankie Blankie (Patent Pending), with Locks and chains. So your conclusion on that matter is correct.

            Gods love and Lonnie’s personal love has touched all our hearts here at SMN. So I am not sure what that comment is supposed to mean. I guess you haven’t read anything here, and how we are all followers of God.

    • You seem like you all escaped from a mental institution,or you just don’t have a heart or a brain. Is it possible that you don’t know that child abuse is illegal,bad and immoral . I hope your whole insane organizations end up in court and then in jail ,and i hope that social services will take away all of your children and allow them to grow in normal foster homes .

    • Why do you only have respect for people that know proper english?
      Not everyone grew up under the same conditions, nor does everyone come from an english speaking country. Not only are you stupid, but you’re extremely ingorant and rude to other people.

      • Dear Miss Alex, We speak Proper American here. Also “Not only are you stupid, but you’re extremely ingorant” is redundant it is a spelled “Ignorant.”

        Your addiction to self-rape has given you early onset masturbation induced case of The Retards. Yet another shining example of the dangers of masturbation. #NotEvenOnce.
        God Bless,

        • You speak “Proper American”?Are you kidding me. “American” language doesnt exist (If you dont know). You stupid red neck- child abuser , language you are trying to use is called English .Well not really english, but something like english.But you wouldn’t know the difference ,anyway.

  2. Praise! You know, if you keep the straps tight enough, the little ones will not grow out of them as fast. That will be helpful for fruitful families.I love Lonnie’s products and the fac ct that they are mom-approved.

  3. Ladies and gentlemen, I am from Japan and I Hiro
    hello. I bought three of these Nowanki Blankies
    are Great American product. There was no to La
    Na to wait a few weeks I am, but it arrived in the
    mail in the end. I bought one for the daughter of
    2 years of my 1 for 5-year-old son of I, and 1, for
    the 11-year-old son of me. This product works
    well in artificial anus, vomiting and enema
    dispenser and transformation robot doll. I am
    looking forward to the future products.

  4. I bought one and decided to test it. I can still roll over onto a pillow and hump it to receive stimulation. This is one of the common methods my son uses. I suggest you remove pillows and blankets that could be humped or grinded on.

    • Sew straps onto the back of the blanket. Put eye bolts into the floor. Tie the straps into the eye bolts at night so your kids can’t turn over onto their stomach.

  5. This is just one step closer to putting people in a Straitjacket like they´re mad or something. I know you should respect other people´s beliefs but this doesnt make any sense, by making your child sleep in that stuff you´re just repressing them and not precisely in a sexual matter. For people that call themselves believers and to have faith in God you´re nothing different from tyrants and dictators.

    • Exactly. The kids can still roll around and repress their sexual organs against pillows and blankets.

    • Shackle? What is this the 1300’s? No sir, we use zinc coated 11 gauge stainless steel chain, that has been heat treated. Coupled with a hardened steel lock for our children’s protection.


      Praying for you mother.


  6. Hmm somone in the church who create that should climb on the higest church tower and jump straight on head. its realy fu**king sick…

      • This really is child abuse. And you can be arrested for it. Your children can be taken away because of it, and you can be fined and taken to jail and ass raped because of it. May your Satan rape you in hell for all of your afterlife because of this.

          • Your normal isn’t even within the social norms of todays society. Masturbation is natural and something I honestly think you should try. You’ll like it, I promise! 😉

        • How do you think we all came to the Compound. Try Masturbation? Kind of a moronic question, don’t you think. That’s literally what drove us all into the loving embrace of Lonnie and Jesus. The sick and twisted act of abusing your body. It had to stop to be normal and at peace.

          I must ask. Are your eyes working correctly and is your brain able to process the squiggle marks on your screen. We here at SMN call them letters. They sometimes tell you things that can inform your brain. This helps you conclude the answer to a question before asking ridiculous questions on the “Interwebs” for all to see.

          Praying inside you. Many, many, many….many……..many times.


        • Find a bible. Read said bible from beginning to end.

          There is said argument.


    • Dear Homofagnoncorrectcolorlovingmoron,

      So it is your conclusion that we all have a Penis and a Vagina, and the term FAP was created by God?

      So…..we are all Hermaphrodites and have been using Acronyms since the birth of baby Jesus.

      Yeah…that makes complete sense.

      Praise on low for you, my son.


      • You have no love in you at all. I can’t believe that you call yourself a reverend. This is despicable conduct for someone who says they love Jesus. Are you a part of a cult, with your charismatic Lonnie? Probably.

        • I call myself a Reverend because, I am. Did you attend higher education to achieve the status of Reverend? How is this despicable? By describing the man by his name and then breaking down why his comment is silly?

          I feel sorry for your parents, truly

          Praying for your disappointing family.


    • So they can distribute to all the lesser privileged young men and women of the world.

      That is such a godly suggestion of you.

      Praise to the max.


  7. A cross by day and a straight jacket at night you all need your backsides kicking into a shady brain farm, your children will grow up psychologically disturbed and possibly rapists or serial killers, seriously, get a grip

  8. This is fucking sick an this needs to be banned from America, who ever purchase this for there children I hop an pray child services finds out, you all are a bunch of insane individuals. Is it that serious finger checks seriously. … people who raise there children in this type of shelter are the reasons why white men become mass rappers and serial killers

    • I believe you mean Black people. I’m not aware of any white people becoming “Mass Rappers”. That is a incorrect color sociological disorder.

      Praying at your Monitor.


        • with all due respect reverend, Hoxton may have a point.
          There was that Eminem and another couple could do it too. its faithscience secure that normal people can succeed at pretty much anything they put their minds too.
          perhaps I shouldn’t have spoken up.
          praying against my own rebellion.

          • We shall have intimate pray time for you, my son. Your Speaking out hasn’t gone unnoticed.

            Praying at you.


  9. why are you slamming a medical restraint Big Masturbation Medical Implements might be notified about your copyright infringment on their proudct catalog

  10. Love masturbating fuck off. Everyone. I orgasm too…. God wants us to be happy, in the bible god didn’t like finer people either , clearly god isn’t that good. Kids are gnna masturbate

  11. sen·tient
    able to perceive or feel things.
    “she had been instructed from birth in the equality of all sentient life forms”
    synonyms: (capable of) feeling, living, live;

    It’s not nirvana. I think that’s what you were trying to get at with your buddhist comments.

    Can you explain how this product is not child abuse?

      • How is this product not child abuse? That is my main point.

        A secondary point is that you say genitals feel mental trauma, and that simply doesn’t make sense. Your own rebuttal was one that didn’t make sense; you ranted about how genitals aren’t capable of enlightenment and aren’t buddhist. Well, true!

        My third point is that as someone who claims to be a reverend of the Most High should act with love. I don’t see love in those actions toward children and teenagers.

        Please answer how this product is not a form of child abuse. I’m very curious to see if you can defend it.

        • Are we hitting the kids? Are we yelling at them? Are we forcing them to watch Sesame Street, which features 2 ambiguous Homogays? No sir.

          Abuse is mistreatment. If the child is willing to be bound for his own protection. It isn’t Abuse. All of our many, many children volunteer to wear these amazing gifts, and sometimes use their hard earned Praise money to help purchase them.


          • Homogays? I thought you had a “higher education.” Or are you just scared of using the word sex?
            If the child is willing to drink the koolaid is it still not abuse?

          • How is the word “Sex” able to be used instead of Homogay? Oh wow, I said Sex…….. Oh no…….

            Also what does Kool-aid have to do with children Masturbation? You don’t make any sense.

            And you sicken me hearing how you openly support Burt and Ernie’s Homogay relationship, and how you prefer children to self rape.

            Praying for your demise in the next article.

            Ame……… Nevermind you don’t deserve one.

  12. This is 100% satire guys…pray for…pray against…hahaha

    Very very clever. It uses lots of hypnotic words and has created its own vocabulary like “Compund” and “Normals”. Its all designed for desperate people with a desire for instant mastery.

    But its satire. Enjoy it for what it is!

  13. Child Abuse – ALL I CAN SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People who put their children in one of these restraints needs to be committed into a mental institution! This makes me so sad and angry! I want to save all the children forced to wear this!

  14. you fucks what are buying into. why do you hate the future generation? this is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. i agree with the people who are saying this is child abuse

    • Why do you hate capitalization? Must be self rape induced laziness. The same type of laziness that prevents people from using their turn signals while driving.

      Praying for the, Y, W, T and I.


  15. I wish someone would try some shit like this on my kids. You can be as brave as you want but whoever messes with my kids will suffer my wrath and not even their dads are brave enough for that. Btw…people invent this stupid shit based on ridiculous beliefs and wonder why their kods grow up to be psychopaths…

  16. Seeing these restraints makes me so horny. I just want to touch and play with my pussy so much more, maybe I should call over my boyfriend and best girlfriend to help me out 😉

  17. There is just sooo much to see in life,…. and im not wasting it here. ITS TIME TO STOP!!!!!!!!

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