La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This new feat breaks the previous record set by a Thailand man last year.
Lopez spoke to reporters about the difficulty in achieving the new record. “Growing up I would practice all the time and took it very seriously. I knew one day my hard work and dedication would pay off. Thank you to everyone who made this possible.”
“Hugo would never leave his room,” Lopez’s mom Evita told CNN when asked about her son’s childhood. “He would just stay in his room for days at a time. We knew one day all that masturbation would pay off for him. He has made all his friends and family so proud.”
Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now does not agree that masturbation should be celebrated. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “Kids these days want to break records. They want to see how many Rubik’s cubes can be solved or how many times they can masturbate. It makes me sick. What they need is a good visit from Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, that would clear things up.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are nonprofit organizations paid for by the Monsanto Company. Their main focus is educating children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. The previous masturbation record of 61 times in a 24-hour period was achieved by Santi Amranand of Pattaya, Thailand on June 16th, 2012.