Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

Unconfirmed rumors suggest he was also an avid Obama supporter.

Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy.  Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white American hero Tony Stewart gently nudged his car into the wall as he had noticed erratic driving patterns suggesting self-rape was taking place inside Ward’s car placing the other drivers in mortal danger.  Heterosexual, white alpha male Tony Stewart’s heroic actions saved his fellow drivers and temporarily saved the young rock and roller from himself until caught in the throes of masturbation and the pots rage, exited his car and ran onto the track with his hand out demanding money from the law abiding Tony Stewart so he could buy more the pots.  As a Romney supporter, STOP Masturbation NOW high elder Tony Stewart refused to give a handout so in desperation the young hemp bonger jumped onto Stewart’s car in a vain attempt to wash the windows for the pots money.  Despite NASCAR superstar Tony Stewart’s heroic and gravity defying efforts to avoid the masturaged racer, the semen slicked track reduced his maneuverability and cost the young dead head his life before he could finish washing the windows.

The following day future hall of famer, and Congressional Medal of Honor winner Tony Stewart with Brother Lonnie by his side for support, released a statement: “I’m just thankful there is one less self-raping, jam band fan on the road endangering our lives.  Now if only we could get rid of women drivers as well.  Praise!”

 

About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

16 Comments on Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

  1. The picture in the article is Dale Earnhardt not Kevin Ward Jr. Kinda hard to take your site seriously when you make mistakes like this.

  2. This site is a load of bullshit. Masturbating in a race car, RIGHT. You really need to get a life. Oh and yes the picture is the late Dale Earnhardt Sr you dumbasses.

  3. Lamest site ever! All of this just sounds like BS! And calling it” hemp bonging” is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard of! It’s called “hitting a bong” and its marijuana not hemp you squares. You guys make Christians sound even more retarded then usual.

Comments are closed.