ESPN Starts Smut Magazine To Avoid Bankruptcy

Prior to this, the dark web of masturbators had to rely on their sick minds or crudely doctored images to get their kicks

ESPN Smut Magazine

WEST SACRAMENTO, CALIF. — (SMNNN)   As the interest in professional sports continues to wane in the United States, ESPN has attempted to be proactive in their approach to avoid otherwise inevitable bankruptcy. Instead of trying to create interesting and provocative programming on their multiple television networks; ESPN has chosen a much darker and immoral path to solvency.

On July 11th, ESPN has decided to enter the seedy world of underground smut magazines with their “Body Issue 2014”, replacing the standard “sports stories and information” format of their print publication. In disgusting fashion, ESPN has decided to appeal to the entire spectrum of masturbators by featuring both male and female “athletes” (normal and non-normal alike) in erotic poses. Also, ESPN has created six different covers featuring nudity for their inaugural issue; not only trying to appeal to the casual masturbator but also to the collector’s market.

ESPN Smut Magazine
To the average illiterate masturbator this is akin to the Winter themed issue of Penthouse or Hustler.

Needless to say, masturbators around the world are salivating at the opportunity to do their dirty deeds while staring at actual nude photos of their favorite “athletes” engaging in disgusting activities. Prior to this, the dark web of masturbators had to rely on their sick minds or crudely doctored images to get their kicks in such a fashion. ESPN is set to start the slide down a terrible slippery slope into sin with the “Body Issue”.  By setting this horrid precedent, ESPN will potentially set the entertainment world alight with the flames of Hell as magazines featuring nude television personalities and popular world wide web stars could potentially be next.

Many Big Masturbation controlled “news outlets” are praising this direction for ESPN as “bold” and treating it like it is not that big of a deal. However, I was able to speak with the Dean of the Communication Department of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, Brother Carl Barker, who is a staunch opponent of ESPN’s new direction.

“I remember when ESPN used to just be about sports highlights and reporting the scores for All-American games like baseball and football,” Brother Carl said. “I knew it was the beginning of the end when they started wasting time covering ‘sports’ like soccer and hockey; games dominated by foreigners and non-normals. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that in today’s climate that the average normal American would be disgusted by the state of things and pay less attention to sports. I’m a little surprised that ESPN would go the route of printed pornography, but I suppose with ‘President’ Obama still in office anything is possible.”

While the ESPN “Body Issue 2014” will be available in most smut shops starting on Friday, we strongly recommend not supporting the pornography industry and resisting the urge to support ESPN in any way from this day forth. It is a shame to see such a once respected source of news and entertainment degrade themselves in such a manner. They should be ashamed.

Praise.

Interested parties can comment here or on the Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage to organize a ‘magazine burning’ in your town.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

7 Comments on ESPN Starts Smut Magazine To Avoid Bankruptcy

    • From the dictionary:

      Smut – noun : language, pictures, or stories that deal with sex in a way that is offensive

      Regardless of your feeble attempt to play semantics here, “No.”, this magazine is filth. I hope that Senator Weisz is able to get the FAA to make ESPN pay dearly for this decision.

      Praise.

  1. You racist ass mother fuckers… I think calling foreigners non-normals will make you burn in hell, not touching your “sin shaft”

    • ESPN created this situation by swinging their sin stick in the wind. Their hubris in this situation will be their downfall.

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