SAINT LOUIS, MO — (SMNNN) Saint Louis Cardinals baseball star, Yadier Molina, will miss 8 to 12 weeks of action due to a severe injury to his hand. It has been determined that Molina has torn ligaments in his thumb and will likely need to have reconstructive surgery on his hand to repair the damage. Due to the surgery it is feared that Molina will miss the remainder of the 2014 season, dooming the upstart baseball team to a year of mediocrity.
Molina was injured following Wednesday night’s game with the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Cardinals won the game and Molina celebrated into the late hours of the evening. It is speculated he masturbated during this “celebration” so furiously that he severed multiple ligaments in his hand. When Molina turned up at batting practice today he was unable to even hold a bat in his hand. Considering the similar hand position of holding a baseball bat and holding a sin stick it was obvious to bystanders what was the actual cause of Molina’s injury.
One of the Mercy Sports Medicine physicians tasked to look after the team confirmed this was more serious than a sprain and immediately sent Molina to the hospital this afternoon. After a series of tests it was determined that Molina’s injury was dire enough to require the reconstructive surgery in order to save his hand.
If the surgery is a success, it’s possible that Molina will be able to play baseball again at some point in the future. However, as is with all masturbation related injuries, if he does not cease doing the Devil’s deed he is set to ruin not only his sports career, but his life. Hopefully, having the team’s chance for any success this year destroyed, the children of Saint Louis will learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of masturbation.
True to form, without their star player in the line-up, the Cardinals are, at press time, losing 8 – 1 to the Pirates. Once again, the selfishness of a single masturbator will now ruin the year for not only his teammates but also the normal citizens of St. Louis, Missouri.