Masturbation Residues Discovered on Royals Stadium Hot Dogs

BREAKING MASTURBATION NEWS!!!

KANSAS CITY MO – League officials and Representatives of the Jackson County Board of Health are investigating claims that high concentrations of masturbation particulates were found on hot dogs sold by the Kauffman Stadium concession.

Arrowmark Industries denies the charges that extensive amounts of semen microbes and dried vaginal particulates are present on hot dogs sold both at concession counters and by mobile vendors throughout the facility.

Kauffman Stadium, home to the Kansas City Royals Major League Baseball Team, hosted four games of the World Series last Fall. It is then that the infestation of masturbation residue on the hot dogs was first discovered.

Hot dogs are a cooked sausage-like food traditionally served on a warmed bread slice more commonly referred to as a bun. Hot dogs may also be referred to as frankfurters, wieners, or red hots. Most hot dogs are served with one or more condiments, such as ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise (mayo), relish, and sardines.

late edit:

Tests at the Jackson County Board of Health Laboratories have indeed come back positive for both spermatozoa and vaginal secretions. Charges are expected to be filed within 48 hours.

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As you can plainly see in the above photograph. The hot dog which tested negative for masturbation residues is of a reddish color and appears juicy and delicious to most humans. The below hot dog, which tested positive for masturbation residues, appears dried out and not delicious in any way. In fact, those customers who consumed a hot dog similar to the below specimen reported a distasteful to flavorless taste experience requiring an increase in condiment additives or were discarded into stadium trash receptacles. Many were found left behind in the seating area.

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About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
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