Oregon Ducks/Marcus Mariota Masturbated, Lose National Championship

Mastubation loses Championships

Only the mascot was having proper relations on this trip.
Oregon Ducks caught having a "circle-jerk" on the sidelines.
Oregon Ducks caught having a “circle-jerk” on the sidelines.

The true champions in the College Football Playoff National Championship was the crowd, for sitting through this snoozefest of a game. There were 1 or 2 exciting moments, no huge comeback, no 102 yard kickoff returns. It was pretty boring. Watching Urban Meyer smile for the first time in his entire life might have been the strangest moment of the game. The Oregon Ducks were a 7 point favorite, and yet they lost by 22 points. How did this happen? How can a “Favorite” lose by that much? It is simple. The Ducks committed too much self-rape throughout the season, and Lonnie smote their title hopes.

Wearing pink is a sign of masturbation.
Wearing pink is a sign of masturbation.

Look at the facts here:

#1. Marcus Mariota comes from the Rainbow State. Rainbows are how homogays communicate with each other to show they are willing to masturbate, improperly diddled children and make sex at others of the same gender.

#2. Ohio State is an Amish College, so God loves them more than pot smoking hippies from Eugene, Oregon.

#3. The Oregon Ducks constantly talked about how they were a “Team”, and had to do “everything” as a team. That included masturbation. Group masturbation will cause massive outbreaks of diseases, if left unchecked.

#4. They didn’t have any Green or Gold on their uniforms. This was most likely due to the amount of “Future unknown babies” that was spilled on them, which basically bleached them, and caused the uniforms to harden into a crust-like outfit, which when tackled, caused massive injuries to the player.

#5. Due to his semen encrusted hands, Marcus Mariota found the ball sticking to his hands, and was unable to complete simple passes.

Only the mascot was having proper relations on this trip.
Only the mascot was having proper relations on this trip.

Oregon Duck fans will claim that the referees were bad, or that injuries were the reason they lost, but everyone could see the masturbation fatigue in their faces. Lonnie blessed them with a great season, but they turned their backs on His love. Congratulations, Ohio State.

Maybe if the cheerleaders weren't dressed so sexy, the team could have avoided self-rape.
Maybe if the cheerleaders weren’t dressed so sexy, the team could have avoided self-rape.
About Bruce Danus 14 Articles
Bruce Danus is a lifelong lover of Jesus and different types of cheeses. He has saved thousands of souls from burning in Hell, by riding public transportation and preaching the word of God and Lonnie Childs. He has traveled to many Third World Countries like Detroit and East L.A. to save masturbators from Double Hell, and bring them clean water.
Contact: Website

16 Comments on Oregon Ducks/Marcus Mariota Masturbated, Lose National Championship

    • Look, I am a Christian and love Jesus. However what you are doing on this site is very disturbing. Hating on gays and going on a crusade to stop masturbation is ridiculous. At first I thought this site was directed towards comedy or satire. Then I saw your article above which strengthened that opinion. But what is most disturbing is that you are actually being serious. Do you hear yourself speak? how brainwashed does someone have to be to have your perceptions? and what the heck is self rape? making kids feel horrible about masturbation is so damaging to them mentally. Also, actually prosecuting kids who masturbate is insane beyond imagination. If you guys on this site actually support the kid who was jailed in Arizona for masturbation, you should be put in an insane asylum. Mind your own damn business and maybe do something Christian, like help the poor or care for the impoverished. God bless

  1. Actually, pink is a sign of supporting breast cancer research which can strike anyone. Even “normals” as you say.

    • Mammalian ludicrosities are a cancer to begin with, because they cause children to self-rape. Women need to keep their milksacs tucked away from the view of polite society. If they followed Lonnie’s rules, they would never get cancer of the feed bags. Cancer is caused by not following the rules of Lonnie.

          • It’s not spelled SLIEnce, it’s spelled THE TRUTH
            And the good things about facts and science is that’s it’s true no matter if you do or don’t believe it

        • Very true, “no cancer is caused by rapid cell reproduction”. None of them. Ever. At all. +1 Faith Science point.

          I’m glad ‘A Smart Guy’ is starting to slowly discover the wonders of faith science. Perhaps one day when he fully accepts Dr. Childs as his Lord and personal savior then he will have truly earned his title of ‘A Smart Guy’.

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