WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Professional wrestling Hall of Famer, Pete Rose, is seeking a “second chance” 25 years after being the first man banned from professional baseball for excessive masturbation. Rose recently admitted to his wrong doings for the first time ever after a confirmed visit to the Safford, Arizona SMN stronghold.
“I’ve waited 25 years, but I’ve done so because Lonnie got me to admit that I was the one screwed up,” Rose told reporters. “And if I were given a second chance, I’d not only be happy but would do everything in my power to rid professional baseball of the scourge of masturbation.”
Major League Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig (a long suspected puppet of Big Masturbation), is set to retire which leads many to believe Rose may have some chance of being reinstated.
“I never gave up on Bud,” added Rose. “I’m not happy to see him leave, but if it means that Big Masturbation no longer will have power over his life, then I am happy. If the next guy is also in the pocket of Big Masturbation, I don’t expect him to turn me loose, but if he isn’t, I hope he has an open mind.”
Rose was banned from professional baseball in 1989 after being caught masturbating before every Sincinnati Redlegs game that season. By August of that year, receiving pressure from anti-masturbation advocate and Texas Ranchers team owner, George W. Bush, they were forced to make an example out of someone. Rose was chosen and was banned from the game for life for his sins. However, this was merely a token gesture to the late 1980s Stop Masturbation Now movement and the great future President George W. Bush. As we could see from the later scandals in the 1990s and 2000s, major league baseball became a veritable cesspool of masturbating degenerates even after Rose was banished.
“I’m hoping my new found guidance from Lonnie Childs makes a difference in the eyes of the commissioner,” Rose said. “Lonnie has been a great mentor over the past few months and should baseball decide to reinstate me, I vow to clean up the place and make the game live up to the nickname ‘America’s Pastime’.”
After being banned in 1989, Pete Rose went on to such a successful professional wrestling career that he was unanimously voted to the pro wrestling Hall of Fame in 2004. Rose has since spent his free time sitting at tables at convention centers and signing his name for interested passersby.
Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.