Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation.

Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed playing style. Single-handedly compelled to rid baseball of masturbation, he became affectionately known by his nickname, the “Georgia Peach.”

Ty’s father was fatally shot by his mother. Court records indicate that Mr. Cobb has suspected his wife of masturbation and was sneaking past his own bedroom window to catch her in the self-rape act. The incident was ruled a tragic accident.

Ty actually wrote forged recommendations to major league clubs in order to achieve a tryout. When the Detroit Tigers granted a tryout in 1905, Ty made the most of it.

While rookie hazing was customary, it turned Cobb into a snarling beast on the field. His teammates, expecting young Ty to participate in clubhouse circle jerks, would endlessly harass a young Ty, who instead sat in the corner fuming and filing his spikes. Maturbating opponents were soon made keenly aware of Cobb’s spikes-up sliding style when trying to tag him out on the basepaths.

Ty_Cobb_(Tigers)_19He hit .320 in his first season as a regular player and never again below that mark. His lifetime average of .367 is an astounding mark for a player of 25 seasons.

In 1907, Washington Pitcher Mel “Slick Fingers” Brown brushed back Cobb with semen-loaded greaseballs. Cobb bunted to the first baseman and collided elbows out with Brown who was running to cover first base. Three teeth later, Brown gave up the semen ball and soon retired from the game.

Cobb has acutely adept with handling the bat. He knocked eleven consecutive foul balls into the Cleveland dugout when he spotted the bat boy and three bench players fondling themselves.

On May 15, 1912, in a much maligned incident, Cobb attacked a masturbating heckler in the Polo Grounds stands. The league suspended Cobb. His teammates, although not keen of Cobb’s anti-self rape stance, went on strike to protest the suspension. The Tigers front office hustled a team of has-beens and sandlot players to take the field and lose 2-24 to the A’s. Cobb urged his teammates to return to the field.

Other instances of mastur-rage aimed at Cobb by players caused numerous shouting matches, fights, and retaliations from Cobb. When his popularity was usurped by power hitting masturbator Babe Ruth, Cobb announced that he would swing for the fences. On May 5, 1925, Cobb went 6 for 6 with three home runs and 16 total bases. The next day, he slammed two more home runs. At the end of the stretch, he happily announced his return to “hitting ’em where they ain’t.”

Ty Cobb was a player that irked a league where masturbators filled every team roster. His aggressiveness helped end the jizz ball era and become the wholesome self-celibate form of entertainment that it remains today.

Truly, Ty Cobb is a pioneer of Self-Celibacy.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

3 Comments on Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

  1. Thank you Brother Cassidy for this wonderful article. Ty Cobb was indeed one of the greatest Americans of all time.

    It was said about him:

    “The greatest ballplayer of all time? … I pick the Cobb because he is, in my judgment, the most expert man in his profession and is able to respond better than any other ballplayer, to any demand made on him. I pick him because he plays ball with his whole anatomy — his head, his arms, his hands, his legs, his feet — and because he plays ball all the time for all that is in him. … he loves the game. I have never seen a man who had his heart more centered in a sport than Cobb has when he’s playing. There never was a really good ball player who didn’t think more of the game than he did of his salary or the applause of fans. … I believe Cobb would continue to play ball if he were charged something for the privilege, and if the only spectator were the groundskeeper.”

    Ty Cobb was voted into the inaugural Hall of fame class with the highest vote percentage, far ahead of Babe Ruth.
    3034 Games
    4191 Hits
    2245 Runs scores
    892 Bases stolen
    54 Steals of home
    1961 Runs batted in
    And in 11,429 times at bat only struck out 357 times.

    A lifetime Batting Average of .367 a record which will never be broken much less approached.

    There will never be another Cobb

    • Praise, Brother August!
      A very astute self-celibate on the SMN facebook mentioned that a salad was named after this great man…a salad that contains MEAT! Checkmate, you communist vegan masturbators!

      • Also Brother Cobb never needed steroids. I think that leader Lonnie might have a little Cobb inside of him.

Comments are closed.