CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half of the students were student-athletes, putting the UNC athletic department between the crosshairs of the mainstream press.
However, the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow was conducting a concurrent investigation to Mr. Wainstein’s during the same eight month period. The Foundation’s findings are even more shocking and, of course, being buried because college sports is a more sexy headline than the decline of morality. As researcher Walker Roth, with the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, explains, “We found that almost the entire currently enrolled student of the University of North Carolina admits to masturbating daily. Of the enrollment of 29124 students, only 121 students said they had not masturbated in the previous 24 hours. The number that had never masturbated, ever, shrank to a dismal sixteen students.”
As Dr. Roth explained, “The other moral challenge points we presented to the student body didn’t result in any further optimistic results. All but four female students said they had engaged in some form of homosexual activity. Thankfully, the four females who had not engaged in homosexual activity were the same four shining examples that had not masturbated. About two-thirds of the men had engaged in what most referred to as ‘experimental same sex activities’ as well. None of the twelve men who had not masturbated engaged in any form of homosexual activity, ‘experimental’ or not.”
Dr. Roth went on to detail how his study correlated with the Wainstein report, “We got our hands on Wainstein’s report thanks to some clever moves in a computer lab and were able to confirm that every student he found that was currently enrolled and that had cheated was on our list of confirmed masturbators. It goes without saying the that sixteen students that had never masturbated were also had the current top sixteen highest grade point averages at the university. The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has added the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, North Carolina to our list of ‘condemned institutions’ and have them a grade of ‘F’ as far as morality is concerned.”
The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow’s “condemned institutions” nearly exhaustive list of colleges also includes California State University, Chico, Seton Hall University, University of San Francisco and University of Iowa; among many, many others.