University of North Carolina Investigation Reveals Almost Entire Current Enrollment Confirmed Masturbators

Only sixteen currently enrolled students have never masturbated.

(source: By original author unknown; University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.Zscout370 at en.wikipedia [Public domain or Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons)

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half of the students were student-athletes, putting the UNC athletic department between the crosshairs of the mainstream press.

However, the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow was conducting a concurrent investigation to Mr. Wainstein’s during the same eight month period. The Foundation’s findings are even more shocking and, of course, being buried because college sports is a more sexy headline than the decline of morality. As researcher Walker Roth, with the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, explains, “We found that almost the entire currently enrolled student of the University of North Carolina admits to masturbating daily. Of the enrollment of 29124 students, only 121 students said they had not masturbated in the previous 24 hours. The number that had never masturbated, ever, shrank to a dismal sixteen students.”

Just one of several horrors that Dr. Walker Roth had to endure to conduct his research. (photo courtesy the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow photo archive)
Just one of several horrors that Dr. Walker Roth had to endure to conduct his research. (photo courtesy the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow photo archive)

As Dr. Roth explained, “The other moral challenge points we presented to the student body didn’t result in any further optimistic results. All but four female students said they had engaged in some form of homosexual activity. Thankfully, the four females who had not engaged in homosexual activity were the same four shining examples that had not masturbated. About two-thirds of the men had engaged in what most referred to as ‘experimental same sex activities’ as well. None of the twelve men who had not masturbated engaged in any form of homosexual activity, ‘experimental’ or not.”

Dr. Roth went on to detail how his study correlated with the Wainstein report, “We got our hands on Wainstein’s report thanks to some clever moves in a computer lab and were able to confirm that every student he found that was currently enrolled and that had cheated was on our list of confirmed masturbators. It goes without saying the that sixteen students that had never masturbated were also had the current top sixteen highest grade point averages at the university. The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has added the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, North Carolina to our list of ‘condemned institutions’ and have them a grade of ‘F’ as far as morality is concerned.”

The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow’s “condemned institutions” nearly exhaustive list of colleges also includes California State University, Chico, Seton Hall University, University of San Francisco and University of Iowa; among many, many others.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

4 Comments on University of North Carolina Investigation Reveals Almost Entire Current Enrollment Confirmed Masturbators

  1. Even more proof that nothing of value is gained from the “college experience”. I think if most 17 – 39 year olds spent six to ten years studying the Bible at a religious institution they’d be much better off than the morons the university system churns out into society. I feel bad for the sixteen students that likely feel persecuted on a daily basis. When I make my second million I’ll be sure to offer a scholarship for students to attend a private religious institution for study.

    • Right, when you’re homeless because you didn’t go to college, I might give you some change from my 150,000 salary that I got from my Aerospace Engineering degreE

      • It is not surprising that you allegedly make $150k a year, as corrupt scLIEnce pays well to keep their operatives happy while they go about spreading disinformation. Obviously I can’t confirm this because when I called “NASA” they had no knowledge of someone called “A Smart Guy” who was arguing with people on the internet while one of their rockets was busy exploding.

        Regardless, I will never be homeless. Dr. Childs would definitely take someone as devout as myself in as part of his flock. You on the other hand, I’d hope that this fountain of disinformation the government is funding never dries up.

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