Diaries of a Masturbator Hunter

Photo of the self-rapist stopped by Bruce Danus.

As a member of the Anti-masturbation neighborhood watch in my community, it is my duty to watch all the houses in our neighborhood for potential self-rapists. I am in charge(Self-promoted) of making sure that people keep their yards well groomed, conduct themselves in a civil manner in public, keep blacks and other non-normals from roaming our streets, and going through the garbage of the neighborhood to find any type of masturbation aids like lotion, lubes, motor oil, Hot Pockets, screwdrivers, or Sawzalls.

A masturbator's favorite WMD.
A masturbator’s favorite WMD.

A new neighbor moved in this weekend, and I watched him with my eagle eyes, because he presented multiple signs of a masturbation neurosis. The first sign was he was a tribal fellow, possibly from Ebola or Liberia. Second, he was more muscular than our Great American Governor named Jesse Ventura. Third, he had an entire box with a label that said “Lotions” on it. I had this self-rapists dead to rights now. I documented all my photos and sent them to the Portland Police. The Portland PD told me they would be in contact, but I was not going to allow this predator to infiltrate my neighborhood. It is time we all take masturbation into our own hands!!! I will not allow my kids to fall to the deadly grasp of masturbation.

An obvious masturbating tribal.
An obvious masturbating tribal.

I waited until this self-fornicator went in his basement, then I ran over to his house and picked the lock on his door with my foot. (Helpful tip for entering a masturbator’s home: Place your foot on the door, about 6 inches below the lock, then pull your foot back and press your foot forward with extreme force, and the door will unlock and open due to God’s will) After entering, I heard the tribal fellow yelling that he was planning on murdering me, so I instantly shoved a chair under the door handle of the basement door, which locked him in until the police could arrive to arrest him. After I knew the masturbator was unable to infect me or the neighborhood with his Bad AIDS, The Gay or Ebola, I continued my investigation in his house, because you need as much evidence as possible to convict a masturbator.

I found his nasty collection of Digital Video Disc films, and put them in his microwave and melted them all, except one, Air Bud. Air Bud is about a Holy animal, a Golden Retriever, who plays basketball. It is a great movie, because it breaks racial stereotypes. If it had been an African-American Labrador, instead of a Golden Retriever, nobody would have watched it.

A true Basketball hero.
A true Basketball hero.

The next thing I found in this black’s house, will disgust anyone. I went through a box called “Family Albums”, and almost puked from the degeneracy involved. I saw the masturbator, who was locked away from society in his basement, having “fun” at a beach and many other places, with two females who looked exactly like him. A few photos later, I realized that my neighbor was one of those slave trade kids, because his “sisters” looked like him, but his parents were Asian. Anyway, I burned the photo albums in the fireplace, then I heard the sweet relief of the Police. I waited for Police to come, unlike non-normals.

Anti-Masturbation Task Force
Anti-Masturbation Task Force

Finally, the Police arrived to this Tribal nightmare. I stood my ground, and pointed them towards the filthy black in the basement. I was immediately escorted to a Police vehicle, and driven to the main station. Once I was dropped at the main station, I was given a piece of paper that showed all of my accomplishments during my arrest of the masturbator. I was given a piece of paper from the Police that cheered my achievements. The Police told me that I helped them with “Breaking and Entering”, “Destruction of private property”, Improper imprisonment”, and “Drunk in Public”. They even gave me a prize of $5750 or 3 years of preaching Lonnie’s will in jail.

Being a self-rapists will land you in jail. Being a Normal human will help you save the non-normals in jail. I will try to report from my prison cell still, but I have been attacked by too many Non-normal colored folks today.

God and Lonnie bless most of you.

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Bruce Danus
About Bruce Danus 14 Articles
Bruce Danus is a lifelong lover of Jesus and different types of cheeses. He has saved thousands of souls from burning in Hell, by riding public transportation and preaching the word of God and Lonnie Childs. He has traveled to many Third World Countries like Detroit and East L.A. to save masturbators from Double Hell, and bring them clean water.
Contact: Website

27 Comments on Diaries of a Masturbator Hunter

  1. Ok this is wrong in these ways:
    A. He said that African Americans aren't normal which is racist
    B. He said all African Americans are tribal Which is also racist
    C. You can't have BadAIDs, you either have AIDs, or you don't
    D. "The Gay" isn't a disease, it is a sexuality
    E. The door didn't open because of God's will, it opened because kicking a door will open it if enough force is applied
    F. The "Anti-Masturbaution Task Force" is a SWAT team, sent to arrest you
    G. You were being arrested, not rewarded
    H. If you chose 3 years in prison, then prepared to be raped
    I. It is possible to be adopted by someone, my wife was adopted by 2 Asian people

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    • A. Not a Racist. I can't believe how many times I have had to tell you that.
      B. See A.
      C. Bad AIDS will kill you. Regular AIDS is what Magic Johnson has.
      D. How do you think the gays chose to become homosexualists? They caught the Gay Disease.
      E. God works in Mysterious ways.
      F. I am part of the Anti-Masturbation Task Force, and we are not a SWAT team.
      G. I was given a commendation.
      H. I chose the monetary award, but I was asked to remain in protective custody overnight to assure my safety.
      I. The tribal fellow was a black, and the adults in the photo were both Communist Asians. Asians can't have black children, it is impossible.

      Try to keep up, Smart Guy.

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      • A. That was a very racist comment, yet you say you're not racist
        B. Same thing
        C. There is one type of AIDS
        D. Give me one science lab besides stupid BLUFF, that being gay is a disease
        E. Simple physics, you kick something, you apply force, and force causes it to move
        F. Then why is there a pic of a SWAT team
        G. That was an arrest report
        H. I think that was for the other guys safety
        I. I was saying that he was adopted

        Oh yes, not all Asians are communist, the countries that are communist are: China, Vietnam, Laos, and North Korea

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      • You look like the think that my cat just farted out. But this thing has more IQ than your whole dirty community. Just do us all a favour and just shoot yourself so your god can tell you just how stupid you all are.

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  2. All Godly people may now sleep more soundly knowing that brave menfolk like you are watching over our homes for any sign of non-normals. I am baking you a nice tater tot and cheese casserole just to say "God bless!"

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  3. Praise Brother Bruce!

    I hope you're recovering from the gunshot wound, well and enjoyed the grapes I sent.

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  4. I'm White but if you broke into my house you'd have a 12 gauge shell in your chest, and after seeing this your neighbor can charge you for racial profililing, hope you go to jail soon, people like you won't last long in there:)

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  5. Why are these liberals who hate the 2nd Amendment all talking about shooting another human being? These types of degenerates really need to be disposed of. I myself support anyone who is doing the Lord's work. Mr. Danus is certainly one such man. Praise Lonnie.

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  6. I'm a teen reading these post and it's crazy,I obviously don't masturbate I'm fourteen girl,and how I see it is you can't control others actions,and we don't live in the 1950s and tribal who says that,it's so stereotypical,I've believed in God my whole life but a lot of the extremely religous people I know are the rudest which is sad God wants you to love everyone,and just because he was adopted by Asians does not mean they aren't his parents.Family isn't blood Family is who cares,I have a grandma who got angered by moms divorce and told her horrible things and I have a great grandma who adopted my grandpa and she not blood but she certainly more family.im pretty sure there's a part in the bible that says God loves everyone.and sins can be forgiven if you ask.and a blanket thing that stops kids from madturbating I don't know any five year who would know how to do that or know what is and I'm pretty sure that putting a kid in that is child abuse or children neglect or something,and GAY isn't a disease its a sexuality,God doesn't make mistakes these people are born that way,there's nothing wrong with being DIDERENT or not CRAZY.I think God forgot to give you a brain and a heart I'd take you to OZ but I hear he doesn't take the crazy,

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