New Anti-Masturbation Doll Warns When Masturbators Are Near

Anti-masturbation advocates received favorable news recently upon the announcement of a new doll that is designed to detect the presence of masturbators. The doll, called “Woody The Warning Worm”, was created by faith engineers to illuminate within 50 feet of a detected masturbator.

Melvin Briggs, one of the many faith scientists who created “Woody” discussed with us how the doll works and the many benefits it brings to responsible parents.

Stop Masturbation Now: Hello, Dr. Briggs. Praise Lonnie! How exactly does the “Woody” doll work?

Melvin Briggs: Good afternoon, Kenneth. Praise Lonnie! The “Woody” works by a series of sensors embedded in the doll’s head that are fine tuned to pick up the various oils and fumes that have been proven to come off of those that masturbate. The body chemistry of a masturbator is radically different from those of us who follow the teachings of Lonnie Childs to the letter. Once an unacceptable level of ‘masturbator hormone’ is perceived by the doll, the face illuminates to warn the child, and most importantly the parents, that danger is near. We have lots of important fiber optics and LED components that illuminate the head and require 8 AA batteries (not included) to operate. The body of the doll is made from a felt and animal hair weave that we found to be durable and quite soft. Our hope is that many people who buy the doll will never see the face light up, however, knowing the diseased society we currently are forced to live in, I imagine the doll will unfortunately get used quite a bit.

The BLUFF testing labs placed a confirmed masturbator inside a steel box in a room 60 feet away. "Woody" still detected him!
The BLUFF testing labs placed a confirmed masturbator inside a steel box in a room 60 feet away. “Woody” still detected him!

SMN: Wow! I’m assuming that once Dr. Childs succeeds and masturbation is made illegal, that this faith technology can come in handy when prosecuting criminals?

MB: Oh, yes! Of course, our faith sciences division has all sorts of similar handheld ‘masturbator detectors’ ready to be used in, for example, a courtroom environment or at the various checkpoints that will be in place once Lonnie succeeds with His mission.

SMN: So, when will “Woody The Warning Worm” be ready to sell to the general public?

MB: We’re hoping for a release around Summer 2015. That way we can make any adjustments to the doll in time for the big Christmas rush and not have any supply issues. The faith products division has learned quite a bit from our previously marketed products like the Anti-Masturbation Cross.

SMN: I’d like to thank you for your time, Dr. Briggs. You truly are doing His work. Praise!

MB: Thanks, Kenneth. We hope to be bringing a constant supply of new gadgets and devices to help responsible parents teach their children about the dangers of masturbation; while also creating products to help protect them from the masturbating scum that is out there infecting the Earth. Praise Lonnie!!



About Kenneth Day 12 Articles
Kenneth Day got his start doing The Lord's Work at a small church in Chandler, Arizona. He quickly rose through the ranks of his church and got the attention of several anti-masturbation crusaders who have enlisted his various talents. When Ken is not devoting his time to helping Lonnie's cause as well as other alternative religious organizations, he works as a video game reviewer.
Contact: Website

16 Comments on New Anti-Masturbation Doll Warns When Masturbators Are Near

  1. Don’t bring this toy into public schools or Democrat Party run events. The internal detection motor tends to overheat and may cause a fire when masturbators are concentrated in such large numbers..

  2. This detects smart people? Because if you’re ok with masturbation, you’re smart. Oh yeah, masturbation reproduces the same results you get after sex. So if anyone has had sex, the doll will light up. So like most adults will light up. Except Lonnie. No way he can get laid.

    • i honestly hope your joking… masturbation is more addictive than heroin, often results in death, makes your penis turn inside out, and makes your bunghole fifty times wider EACH FIX! my best friend just died last week of a masturbation overdose, my dad caught hiv aids from masturbation and my brother had to jerk off his cock on the street to pay for his addictive lifestyle. i hope your anas bleeds till it turns a bright shade of black, ya fuckin athiest

  3. I would buy the doll just to see if it works, but the required 8 AA batteries is too many to waste. I need all those batteries for my vibrator… 😉

  4. Ahh, nostalgia…. Glo Worm and Glo Butterfly, from 1982. The Glo Friends even had a cheesy cartoon I used to watch.

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