New Anti-Masturbation Doll Warns When Masturbators Are Near

Anti-masturbation advocates received favorable news recently upon the announcement of a new doll that is designed to detect the presence of masturbators. The doll, called “Woody The Warning Worm”, was created by faith engineers to illuminate within 50 feet of a detected masturbator.

Melvin Briggs, one of the many faith scientists who created “Woody” discussed with us how the doll works and the many benefits it brings to responsible parents.

Stop Masturbation Now: Hello, Dr. Briggs. Praise Lonnie! How exactly does the “Woody” doll work?

Melvin Briggs: Good afternoon, Kenneth. Praise Lonnie! The “Woody” works by a series of sensors embedded in the doll’s head that are fine tuned to pick up the various oils and fumes that have been proven to come off of those that masturbate. The body chemistry of a masturbator is radically different from those of us who follow the teachings of Lonnie Childs to the letter. Once an unacceptable level of ‘masturbator hormone’ is perceived by the doll, the face illuminates to warn the child, and most importantly the parents, that danger is near. We have lots of important fiber optics and LED components that illuminate the head and require 8 AA batteries (not included) to operate. The body of the doll is made from a felt and animal hair weave that we found to be durable and quite soft. Our hope is that many people who buy the doll will never see the face light up, however, knowing the diseased society we currently are forced to live in, I imagine the doll will unfortunately get used quite a bit.

SMN: Wow! I’m assuming that once Dr. Childs succeeds and masturbation is made illegal, that this faith technology can come in handy when prosecuting criminals?

MB: Oh, yes! Of course, our faith sciences division has all sorts of similar handheld ‘masturbator detectors’ ready to be used in, for example, a courtroom environment or at the various checkpoints that will be in place once Lonnie succeeds with His mission.

SMN: So, when will “Woody The Warning Worm” be ready to sell to the general public?

MB: We’re hoping for a release around Summer 2015. That way we can make any adjustments to the doll in time for the big Christmas rush and not have any supply issues. The faith products division has learned quite a bit from our previously marketed products like the Anti-Masturbation Cross.

SMN: I’d like to thank you for your time, Dr. Briggs. You truly are doing His work. Praise!

MB: Thanks, Kenneth. We hope to be bringing a constant supply of new gadgets and devices to help responsible parents teach their children about the dangers of masturbation; while also creating products to help protect them from the masturbating scum that is out there infecting the Earth. Praise Lonnie!!