Siberian Village Lost Due To Asian Masturbation’s Impact On Global Environment

July 24, 2014 26


An entire village in Siberia has been swallowed into a huge crater, and masturbation is definitely the cause, leading Faithscientists say.

Leading Faithclimatetologist, Dr Skippy Enis, recently involved in an atomic meltdown explosion at B.L.U.F.F Graphcenter , and fresh from life saving surgery, explains the situation in a phone interview from the recovery room of St. Lonald Hospital: ” Huh? Y’all here again? Y’all have homes? Seriously, do y’all ever go home? ” Said Dr Enis. ” […]

Hot New “Wheelin’ and Feelin'” Trend Claims Another Life

July 8, 2014 31

Orange County, CA – A family is left grieving and planning arrangements today as the new “Wheelin and Feelin” craze sweeping the nation claims another young life.

Onlookers shocked as Outlaw WAF riders risk their lives for a quick thrill.

At approximately 11:15 AM, in sunny Laguna Beach, CA, one child has been pronounced dead and another is injured in what is being referred to as the worst Wheelin’ and Feelin’” accident to date. Officials have requested that the identity of the child […]

Han Solo Injured By Masturbation Accident On Millennium Falcon

June 13, 2014 4

Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation practices.

My anonymous source from the closed set of the film explained, “Han Solo was entering the Millennium Falcon to begin preparations to film a new scene. Someone, probably one of […]

UPDATE – Tracy Morgan More Responsive After Masturbation Wreck

June 9, 2014 3

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — Actor Tracy Morgan remains in critical condition but is showing signs of improvement less than 24 hours after the party bus he was riding in was wrecked. Mr. Morgan was able to respond to several questions from investigators today which doctors are saying is quite encouraging and is painting a clearer picture as to what happened late Friday evening.

Morgan was injured when a party bus he was riding in en route to Atlanta, Georgia […]

Actor Tracy Morgan Critically Injured In Masturbation Related Accident

June 8, 2014 7

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — A party bus driver has been formally charged in relation to an accident that has left popular actor Tracy Morgan in critical condition. Morgan, known for his popular comedy program “Key and Peele” was riding in a party bus driven by a Southeast Party Bus Inc. employee named John David. The bus was en route to Atlanta, Georgia when the accident occurred.

A spokesperson from the Florida Highway Patrol said that David claims he was distracted by […]

GWAR Frontman Dave Brockie Self Raped Himself to Death, a Virginia Medical Official Confirms.

June 7, 2014 2

The Virginia medical examiner’s office says Dave Brockie, the frontman for the heavy metal band GWAR, died of excessive chronic masturbation.

Brockie — who went by the stage name Oderus Urungus — was found dead in his Richmond home on March 23. He was 50.

Noah Williamson, administrator at the chief medical examiner’s office, said Tuesday that Brockie’s cause of death was fatal self rape syndrome.

The Grammy-nominated band GWAR was founded in 1984 and is known for its comically grotesque costumes, stage […]

12 Year Old Girls Charged In Stabbing Of Their Non-Masturbating Friend

June 3, 2014 0

APACHE JUNCTION, Ariz. (SMNNN) – Authorities say two 12 year old central Arizona girls stabbed their 12 year old friend nearly to death to please an organization they learned about online.

Both girls were charged with first degree attempted homicide Monday in Maricopa County Circuit Court. The criminal complaint says that one of the girls told a detective they had to kill someone who was a confirmed non-masturbator. According to their story if they successfully ended the life of a non-masturbator […]

Breaking News: Portland Oregon Water Contaminated With Semen… Thousands at Risk

May 23, 2014 5

(StopMasturbationNOW)— About 670,000 residents in Oregon were advised Friday to boil drinking water after several tests showed semen in some water samples, the Portland Water Bureau said.

Hipsters masturbating in the towns mountainous reservoirs is most likely the cause. Masturbation is one of the fastest methods for spreading disease.


The boil water advisory is issued to about 670,000 customers in the Portland Water Bureau and the Burlington, City of Gresham (north of Interstate 84), Lake Grove, Lorna Portland Water, Palatine Hill, Rockwood, […]

Masturbator Unleashes Firenado!

May 9, 2014 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)— This morning a Florida man was masturbating when the friction of him touching his sinstick caused a firenado. As we know masturbation is wrong and the wages of self-rape are death. Please remember to help work to make masturbation

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