Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

February 5, 2017 6

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation.

“It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum and cause us tremendous problems.”

After a weekend conference with SMN Chairman, Lonald Childs, the Trump team is poised to suspend refugee and visa programs as applied to many self-rape countries, including […]

B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

November 21, 2016 14

SMN -My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the most important reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian parents are expected to abide by. The first and foremost of these responsibilities is to protect your precious children from sin.

The masculine parent is under just such an […]

Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

May 30, 2015 5

Lonnie Childs has done it again! Word has come down from Iggy Azalea’s management that her ‘Great Escape’ tour has been officially canceled. The alleged rapper, Azalea, has long been considered a tool of the entertainment division of Big Masturbation. “Big Masturbation has used pop stars and singers as means to their filthy ends for years,” said Brother Parker Osgood of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts in Safford, Arizona. “Stars like Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, even going as far […]

STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

May 11, 2015 33

Lonnie Childs received great news over the weekend when the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center in Safford, Arizona delivered the results of a three-month study on the effectiveness of the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®. According to spokesman Dennis E. Cross of the GCJDC, “We found Mr. Childs’s jackets were of great benefit to our juvenile detention officers. Our staff found a staggering 100% reduction in sexual misconduct amongst our youth detainees that were kept in the jackets. One can’t argue with those types […]

Rap Music Producer Blockhead Refuses To Masturbate In Hotel Room

April 15, 2015 8

Brother Lonnie Childs has been working closely with a handful of small hotels across the United States on a mission to make hotel rooms less enticing to the common masturbator. Brother Lonnie started small with lower budget hotels, the likes of which tend to attract small business travelers and touring musicians. “We chose the types of hotels we did, as years of research has shown that traveling salesmen and musicians are the most likely to engage in self-rape in their […]

Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

April 10, 2015 7

We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is a measure of blood flow to the penis. The penile monitoring is typically achieved by “measuring the circumference of the penis with a mercury-in-rubber or electromechanical strain gauge, or the […]

Angelina Jolie Continues Anti-Masturbation Crusade; Has Ovaries Removed

March 24, 2015 7

Angelina Jolie is a rare breed of modern celebrity. Beginning with her double mastectomy in 2013, Jolie has been determined to make sure no filthy men and women will masturbate to her ever again. The mainstream press attempted to spin Jolie’s mastectomy surgery as a “preventative measure” to “lower her chances of developing breast cancer”, however many Hollywood insiders know that Jolie had grown progressively disgusted by the growing masturbation culture surrounding her image on the internet. While Jolie’s actions […]

Great Moments In Anti-Masturbation History: Seinfeld

March 23, 2015 3

Midway through its fourth season, popular NBC sitcom, ‘Seinfeld’, featured an episode called “The Contest” where the main characters all decided to see which one could refrain from masturbation the longest. At first the network was not pleased that the writers of the show had such a vulgar theme for the episode. In fact, NBC felt that masturbation was not a suitable topic for the crown jewel in their “Must See TV” block of programming. On the surface, the fact […]

ESPN’s Mexican Calls Out Mulatto Iggy Azalea And Masturbator Boyfriend For Killing Dolphins And Hippity-Hopped Music

March 2, 2015 7

ESPN Anchor and Illegal Mexican, Robert Flores, calls out Australian, Iggy Azalea and an unknown black, for killing a dolphin and hip-hop rock music.

Recently, a Basketball-American type, (or in the less Politically correct vernacular, a Tribal being), from the L.A. Lakers, named Nick “Swaggy P” Young, admitted to wanting to murder a dolphin because the dolphin wanted to make sex at his girlfriend named Iggy Azalea. Here is his side of the story (We’ll get the dolphin’s side in a […]

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