MASTURBATION ALERT! Bert Strips Pose a Clear and Present Self-Rape Threat

March 23, 2015 6

B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts) has raised the overall self rape level to Orange-Imminent Threat of Self-Rape detected.

The Facebook Rise of the Butthurt has published a series of “Bertstrips.” These crude cartoons pose an imminent threat of self rape!

The following is official information from the B.L.U.F.F. Self-Rape Emergency Broadcast System:

Self-rape activity has been detected and confirmed as a result of exposure to this facebook.

Please use caution. Place proper software locks on the facebook to prevent females, children, minorities, […]

A Reading From the Book of Exit Us

March 19, 2015 2

25:1 And the LORD spake unto Lonald, saying,
25:2 Speak unto the superior gendered children of B.L.U.F.F., that they bring me offerings: of every self celibate that giveth it willingly with his pure heart ye shall take my offering.
25:3 And this is the offering which ye shall take of them; beer, and steak, and voluptuous newbreast,
25:4 six packs of PBR, Coors, or Budweiser, none thou from Miller, thou foulest of foreign goat urine
25:5 skins of wool or linen decored in thy […]

A Glimpse Inside Of An Actual Anti-Masturbation Re-education Ceremony

February 11, 2015 8

As a member of the fact-based, right-thinking American press machine and a friend of the Stop Masturbation Now movement, I was granted a special look inside during an actual anti-masturbation re-education event at the Safford, Arizona B.L.U.F.F. campound. I’d like to extend special thanks to Brother Barrett Crenshaw and his SRAS, Sister Magdalena Crenshaw for allowing me to bivouac in their yard during my stay in Safford. Also, thanks are  due to Dr. Lonald Childs for his offer being able […]

Deaths Lead to Job Openings for Lucky Ladies at B.L.U.F.F.

January 3, 2015 2

As many of you know, we have recently lost Sister Keegan to an unfortunate accident involving a hay bailer and a feral hog. We all loved AnnMarie dearly, and her presence will be greatly missed in the daily activities on the Campound. AnnMarie was scheduled to be assigned to a fitting husband soon – so look to your daughters for volunteers to take her place.
In addition, Sister O-Reilly has also gone missing – we are assuming that she has been […]

Ban the Term “Diddly-squat”

December 9, 2014 9

In this week’s “Ranting Towards Redemption With Brother Cassidy” column, I provide insight toward the use of a phrase that I find highly unacceptable due to its offending nature. My dear friends in Christ Through the Lonaldian Way, as many of you are aware, I minister to troubled youths and local bums in my town’s downtown area. My goal is to save souls from the evil clutches of the self-rape devil. I preach to all who will listen the righteous […]

Local War Hero Battles City Hall

November 25, 2014 16

Please congratulate B.L.U.F.F.’s own, Cassidy Pen, for his successful efforts to sandpaper small hand tool handles in Stafford. The newspaper writeup

Lonnie is Homo With the Father

October 21, 2014 15


The Father is homo with the Son.
The Son is homo with the Bird.
The Bird is the Word.
In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
Behold, the Technical Virgin was with child.
And she asked the angel Lorenzo Horatio Ribierto III,
“What shall I call him?”
And he answered her, “You shall call his name ‘Lonnie’,
for he shall save his people from their sin sticks.”

If […]

Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

October 12, 2014 8

The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow in association with B.L.U.F.F. has confirmed that a new super strain of Ebola is passed to hosts through masturbation. The virus clings to the outer skin palettes and is launched airborne at the moment of masturbatory climactic release, becoming airborne and susceptible to transmission to anyone breathing in the tainted air.

The virus is strengthened by the humid and grimy climates common to the maturbationist’s environment. The virus is transferred to the hands by coughing […]

The Finger Sniff Test-Where Non-Normal Arguments Fail

October 6, 2014 19

B.L.U.F.F. – My Dear Friends in Christ, you have been recently enlightened on this Holy Webpage with guidelines to prevent masturbation in your young daughter’s life. The B.L.U.F.F. Finger Sniff Test was presented with the blessings of the Faith Facts Eldership. It has also been proven to be a most effective method in curtailing the occurence of masturbation sin within our daughters.

Recently, this publication has come under scrutiny for this column. Non-normal masturbationists have organized protests and DOS attacks against […]

Sale on B.L.U.F.F. Blinders! Button her Down…

October 1, 2014 2

Men! Do you take a look around and wonder what kind of hell has gotten into women today? Does your spouse’s eyes frequently wander toward some damned afternoon-killing mall sale where she’s going to run into some jabber-mouthed friend to yak with for hours on end pretending to hide her insecurity stemming from shear unmitigated materialism and greed? Does your wife then speak with these same women on the phone or type signal sender device for God knows how many […]

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