Proper Pumpkin Carving

October 1, 2014 11

My dear friends in Christ.

To avoid the near occasion of self rape sin, B.L.U.F.F. recommends individuals take up a hobby or seasonal pursuit. One such endeavour is pumpkin carving.

The above chart illustrates just how easy it is to have a fun filled afternoon carving a

B.L.U.F.F. Libary Re-Opens, Receives New Tank

September 27, 2014 10

Safford AZ-(SMNNN)

B.L.U.F.F. library officially re-open, under great ceremony, last evening. The library, having been destroyed in a raging spontaneous fire that had nothing to do with any wizards whatsoever, has been newly renovated, and re-supplied to the fullest capacity.

The B.L.U.F.F library now contains every imaginable type of projectile weapon, and complete store of ammunition for all of them, calculated to allow a resistance force of 500 men to maintain a 175 day stand-off. The library was also awarded a brand-new […]

The Menstrual Hut

September 23, 2014 20

The Menstrual Hut
Procedures and Guidelines

*Note: The following is a living document subject to refinement, adjustment, and reinterpretation by Brother Lonnie in conjunction with the B.L.U.F.F. Council of Elders (Eldership). Revisions may occur without notice; however, they become Campus Law as soon as they are bound to print. Any or all laws contained within the B.L.U.F.F. Handbook may be superseded by the King Lonald Holy Bible or by proclamation from Brother Lonnie or the Council of Elders (Eldership).

Brother Lonnie’s University of […]

Lonnie Childs Proudly Opens “The Tempura Center For Women.”

September 15, 2014 2

Safford, Arizona: Local philanthropist and leader of SMN Ministries, Lonnie Childs, has finished construction of The Tempura Center for Women.

SMN spokesman, August Weitz, spoke on behalf of Lonnie Childs when addressing the press today. “All too often, Masturbation takes the form of Rage and Violence, known to all of us as: MasturRage. This is similar to Roid-Rage, where too much free-roaming testosterone is present in the body, due to chronic masturbation.” Mr. Weitz went on to say, “Unfortunately, MasturRage adversely […]

A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

September 15, 2014 6

Brother Lonald explains to his followers,

The need for Christianity to be at the forefront of preventing self-rape and other flesh sins is apparent. The devil seeks to destroy your soul by breaking down your human structure. Satan knows that a human being built with Jesus as the foundation is strong and resistant to hell’s fires.

Satan also knows that He can destroy this foundation through lust and suggestion. His use of the weaker female sex to break down the masculine order […]

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

September 11, 2014 3

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares.

The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed Assumption High School were minutes from Coach Bette Nepper’s muster whistle signaling the start of practive when the incident occured. A nearby custodial worker reported rhythmic screams coming from the girls […]

Faith and Drug Adminstration (FDA) Approves New Masturbation Cessation Aid Masturbutrin®!

September 9, 2014 7

In the race to end masturbation, medical interventions are nothing new. Since the late 1930s, electroconvulsive therapy has been a mainstay of practitioners who love righteousness and hate sin (Shalavin, 2013). But homogays and masturbators still run rampant, threatening our children and our grandparents. In the 19th-century, the English-speaking world (normals) began routinely circumcising male infants in a well-intentioned, but failed attempt to curb masturbation. They should have known better. After all, the Jews have been practicing circumcision for millennia, […]

Study Confirms B.L.U.F.F. Men Have Larger Penis Size

September 7, 2014 31

BLUFF HQ-STAFFORD, AZ – A recent study just concluded by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) in association with The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has confirmed what we at the SMN Ministry knew all along – the men of B.L.U.F.F. have substantially larger penis sizes than those of non-normal masturbators. The finalized data reveals (no pun intended) that B.L.U.F.F. men sport penis sizes 100% larger on average than non-normals.

The study surveyed over 50,000 penis sizes from non-normal masturbators […]

Masturbation Triggered Japasian Landslides

August 25, 2014 26

HIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow.

Although the communist government does not officially recognize private property in Japasia, a quick examination of the disaster area is enough to make estimates.

The unstable ground of Japasia’s Pacific RIm Island, along with the erosion caused by streams […]

The Temptations of the Camel Toe

August 20, 2014 12

Indeed, the camel toe is Satan’s powerful weapon in his war to destroy your soul.

A camel toe is a slang used to describe the shape and appearance of certain female boxes. When a woman jams her lower torso into today’s tight modern shorts, pant suits and thin fabric panties, the pressure and pattern of skin and fat displacement of her juice box and surrounding terrain takes the shape of an actual hoof print from the humped animals of Sand Mexico.

The […]

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