Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

June 9, 2017 6

SAFFORD, Ariz. – The FBI is now involved in the case of a murdered Lonvidian woman, found dead in her home early Tuesday morning. Safford police confirmed they are no longer considering Lonnie Childs to be a suspect in the case, and detectives have moved on to other suspects.

“There’s no such thing as typical,” said Sergeant Tim Wachinski with Safford police. “Every case is different depending on the nature of the case and circumstances surrounding it. In the beginning, given […]

Bill Cosby Credited with Striking-Down California’s Statute of Limitations on Self-Rape

October 1, 2016 7

Sometimes we have heroes among us and sometimes they are in Hollywood.  Earlier this week, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a monumental bill into law, for which many people credit Bill Cosby for making an idea, a reality.

In July of 2015, SMN reported the case of a woman who accused famed hip-hop comedy star Bill Cosby of rape. As our investigation unfolded, we learned that the accuser had actually self-raped while watching the television show “Picture Page,” staring Bill Cosby. Our […]

Self-Rape Alert: Deadpool

March 14, 2016 12

SMN Safford, AZ-The tireless duty of Christian Parents to prevent and punish the vile sin of masturbation has become much harder (pardon the pun) since the opening of the box office smash, Deadpool in local theaters.

A disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

“Overt and disgusting” Self Rape Content has been uncovered earning the film a FAPMILF color […]

BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

November 17, 2015 17

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept 10,000 Syrians into the country over the next year.

“I will not stand complicit to a policy that places our campus in Arizona in the hands of self-rapists,” a spokesperson for […]

SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

September 29, 2015 3

SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the self-celibacy-in-media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

Confounding the moralists at BLUFF, Hollywood continues to pump out masturbation epics that spill down upon our society in the […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

August 31, 2015 17

For a long time, it was believed that God gave people a given level of abstinence and there was nothing anyone could to to prevent the sinful lust impulses that lead to masturbation.

Scientists at Brother Lonnie University or Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) through a grant awarded by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have now proven that we can actually increase our abstinence potential and enjoy ourselves without handling our filthy sex organs in the process.

Here is a list of seven […]

New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

June 20, 2015 15

New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of Satanism’s blackest unholy days.

The Holy Bible contains countless references to this event. Ezekiel 16.3 speaks of “great rumblings of darkness where no souls care to tread” and the book of […]

Local War Hero Battles City Hall

November 25, 2014 16

Please congratulate B.L.U.F.F.’s own, Cassidy Pen, for his successful efforts to sandpaper small hand tool handles in Stafford. The newspaper writeup

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

September 6, 2014 30

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to […]

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