BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

January 5, 2016 15

Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals.

In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words were made public:

“We at BLUFF have announced a boycott of the new Star Wars Movie.

“Strange and peculiar skin toned individuals, who by definition self rape frequently and with tremendous vigour, are […]

BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

November 17, 2015 17

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept 10,000 Syrians into the country over the next year.

“I will not stand complicit to a policy that places our campus in Arizona in the hands of self-rapists,” a spokesperson for […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

B.L.U.F.F. Safford Campus Announces Big Game Safari to Zimbabwe

July 31, 2015 4

Safford, Arizona – Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (B.L.U.F.F.) has announced a special safari and big game hunting excursion to the African Nation of Zimbabwe. Special Services Recreational Director and long-time B.L.U.F.F. elder Thomas Downey announced the trip during a closed question-and-answer session between the B.L.U.F.F. Eldership and SMN Pledges in high standing at the Safford, AZ Campus.

A contingent of B.L.U.F.F. Superior Gendered Normals will depart on a chartered flight from Phoenix International Airport on Monday, September 7 and arrive […]

SMN Self Rape Alert: Mad Max Fury Road

May 20, 2015 11

SMN Safford, AZ-As kids flock to the latest Hollywood Blockbuster, Mad Max-Fury Road, a disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

Various hidden pro masturbation messages have been uncovered in the film which has earned a FAPMILF color code rating of red, or nearly %100 danger of masturbation sin to minors and the weak-minded. This SMN Self Rape […]

STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

May 11, 2015 33

Lonnie Childs received great news over the weekend when the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center in Safford, Arizona delivered the results of a three-month study on the effectiveness of the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®. According to spokesman Dennis E. Cross of the GCJDC, “We found Mr. Childs’s jackets were of great benefit to our juvenile detention officers. Our staff found a staggering 100% reduction in sexual misconduct amongst our youth detainees that were kept in the jackets. One can’t argue with those types […]

Rap Music Producer Blockhead Refuses To Masturbate In Hotel Room

April 15, 2015 8

Brother Lonnie Childs has been working closely with a handful of small hotels across the United States on a mission to make hotel rooms less enticing to the common masturbator. Brother Lonnie started small with lower budget hotels, the likes of which tend to attract small business travelers and touring musicians. “We chose the types of hotels we did, as years of research has shown that traveling salesmen and musicians are the most likely to engage in self-rape in their […]

Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

April 10, 2015 7

We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is a measure of blood flow to the penis. The penile monitoring is typically achieved by “measuring the circumference of the penis with a mercury-in-rubber or electromechanical strain gauge, or the […]

U.S. Government ‘Accidentally’ Leaks Lonnie Childs Southwest Conquest Map

April 4, 2015 6

According to sources within Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, the United States has ‘accidentally’ leaked a map that B.L.U.F.F. was using for internal strategy purposes. The map in question featured the Southwest of the United States and labeled the areas that Brother Lonnie and His advisors had planned to focus their growth and outreach for the 2015 calendar year.

Brother Art Krebs with B.L.U.F.F. explains that, “We give our plans to the U.S. Government as a courtesy, so they are […]

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Solves Mystery Of Bigfoot

April 3, 2015 11

Another one of life’s great mysteries has been solved thanks to the tireless efforts of Lonnie Childs. Brother Lonnie was out walking the Earth as He does from time to time and found Himself in Western Oregon in the woods. The particular area Brother Lonnie was traveling through is renowned for ‘Bigfoot’ sightings, but Brother Lonnie, spiritual man that He is does not believe in such hokum and made a campfire for the evening. Brother Lonnie began by praying over […]

1 2