Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

July 17, 2015 774

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian […]

Bruce Danus Saves Top Gear from the KOK River

November 23, 2014 7

The crew of Top Gear, before being saved by me.

A British show about bad motor vehicles, called “Top Gear”, recently traveled to my favorite Third World Country, Thailand/Burma. They ran into many issues, because Jeremy Clarkson is a racist. We all need to pray at Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May.

While I hate these 3 humans, mainly due to their Britishness, I love the Television moving picture show, because they only show gas guzzling amazing vehicles. They seem to […]

Disturbing Video: Panda Caught Self-raping

October 21, 2014 9

The Wicked Wildlife Federation, in association with agents from Big Masturbation have released a disturbing video.

The grainy, shaking, out-of-focus footage shows a psychotic panda with glazed eyes, oblivious to the world, shaking his sin stick with vigor and reckless abandon until streams of seedy ejaculate are squirted into the air with no regard to purchase.

No doubt, this is the work of the devil and Big Masturbation. It’s not surprising that this revolting media cums from the nation of Communist Chinasia. They will […]

Skittles-The Official Candy of Big Masturbation

October 13, 2014 4

Many of you know or have heard of Governor Mick Huckleberry of Arkansas. He has done a mountainous job of exposing the lies and under cover game plan of the far left with his actions when in office and on his current events program on the otherwise liberal fox news network.

Gov. Mick Huckleberry, a stoic and honorable man who has exposed the sinister left

In a monumental discovery, although not too surprising, Gov. Huckleberry has uncovered the homosexual lobby’s attempts to […]

Mother Milk, A Good Start For Your Child?

October 9, 2014 9

We all know eating the wrong food has many unhealthy side effects, like heart disease and cancer.  But no one knew indulging the wrong foods also ensures one will surrender quickly to the sinful pleasures of masturbation. The earlier a child eats the wrong foods, the more harmful consequences in the longer term will be.

Recent research from B.L.U.F.F. University BLUFF, Department of Food Technology, has shown how harmful mother milk can be for young children, despite claims by doctors who […]

The Finger Sniff Test-Where Non-Normal Arguments Fail

October 6, 2014 17

B.L.U.F.F. – My Dear Friends in Christ, you have been recently enlightened on this Holy Webpage with guidelines to prevent masturbation in your young daughter’s life. The B.L.U.F.F. Finger Sniff Test was presented with the blessings of the Faith Facts Eldership. It has also been proven to be a most effective method in curtailing the occurence of masturbation sin within our daughters.

Recently, this publication has come under scrutiny for this column. Non-normal masturbationists have organized protests and DOS attacks against […]

Queen-Live at the Rainbow ‘74

September 24, 2014 4

We may have figured we’d heard the last of them, but the sinister homosexual noise band, Queen, has released another splattering of dread onto the faces of the public. The deeply offensive tracks in their current live album were actually taken from a concert that occurred years ago. The music (I use the term very loosely) contained on “Live at the Rainbow ‘74” was, ironically, recorded in 1974, hence the “’74” in the tile. The hell hall used was the […]

NFL Superstar, Adrian Peterson, Arrested for Spanking “The Gay” Out of His Son

September 16, 2014 9

 

Last week, Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Adrian Peterson, was arrested in his hometown for a mysterious domestic violence charge. This came on the heals of Jerry Rice’s suspension and dismissal from the Baltimore colts for disciplining his wife in an Atlantic City elevator.

Today, the Cobb County prosecutor announced that Adrian Peterson was in-fact, preventing his son from masturbating by “Spanking the Gay” out of him with a tree branch. Legal experts say that if Mr. Peterson did this in any other […]

A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

September 15, 2014 6

Brother Lonald explains to his followers,

The need for Christianity to be at the forefront of preventing self-rape and other flesh sins is apparent. The devil seeks to destroy your soul by breaking down your human structure. Satan knows that a human being built with Jesus as the foundation is strong and resistant to hell’s fires.

Satan also knows that He can destroy this foundation through lust and suggestion. His use of the weaker female sex to break down the masculine order […]

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