Post Tagged with: "Children"

A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

Brother Lonald explains to his followers, The need for Christianity to be at the forefront of preventing self-rape and other flesh sins is apparent. The devil seeks to destroy your soul by breaking down your human structure. Satan knows that a human being built with Jesus as the foundation is […]

by September 15, 2014 6 comments Family Values
Solar flares joins the list of self rape excuses

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares. The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed […]

by September 11, 2014 3 comments Science
The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up […]

by September 6, 2014 30 comments Family Values
The traumatized foul in question.

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, […]

by September 5, 2014 16 comments Animals
McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening. Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her […]

by September 4, 2014 16 comments Celebrity
Normal Kids, keeping their hands above their necks

For God’s Sake, Think of the Children!

Often times, a reluctant masturbator does not want to masturbate, but the addiction of masturbation is too strong. For those of you who do not want to masturbate, but cannot help it, Think of the Children! Masturbation is dirty, sleazy and immoral. That is why masturbators do it in secret […]

by August 19, 2014 12 comments Family Values, Morals
B.L.U.F.F. Female Masturbation Detection

B.L.U.F.F. Female Masturbation Detection

SMN -My dear friends in Christ. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the first and only needed reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian […]

by August 8, 2014 30 comments Self-Rape Prevention
SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

Parents, Do you ever lie awake at night worrying your children are masturbating? I know I sure did, that was until I started tucking my 23 Same Race Normal Children to bed safely wrapped up in the Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”. Now I can rest assured that my boys will […]

Parents around the world are waking up to the fact that pornographics can be found on the World Wideweb (www)

“Pornography? On MY SON’S Computer?”

**BREAKING MASTURBATION ALERT** Parents, it has recently come to my attention that pornograpics, i.e., explicit sexual material, can be found on the World Wideweb (www).  Have you ever wondered what your son is doing whenever you are not around?  Chances are he is locked away in his bedroom, self-raping to […]

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

-Safford, AZ Masturbation is a terrible disease and a depraved, sinful act. The below are critical “tips” for parents of any age. As we know, children may begin to explore their sin zones and masturbating at any age- watch them. Watch them closely. You never know when Satan enters your […]

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