A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

September 15, 2014 6

Brother Lonald explains to his followers,

The need for Christianity to be at the forefront of preventing self-rape and other flesh sins is apparent. The devil seeks to destroy your soul by breaking down your human structure. Satan knows that a human being built with Jesus as the foundation is strong and resistant to hell’s fires.

Satan also knows that He can destroy this foundation through lust and suggestion. His use of the weaker female sex to break down the masculine order […]

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

September 11, 2014 3

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares.

The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed Assumption High School were minutes from Coach Bette Nepper’s muster whistle signaling the start of practive when the incident occured. A nearby custodial worker reported rhythmic screams coming from the girls […]

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

September 6, 2014 30

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to […]

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

September 5, 2014 16

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his […]

McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

September 4, 2014 16

(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening.

Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her statements and issued this press bulletin:


What’s he keeping that other hand free for?

“I am pursuing legal action to have these fake photos, which are not of me, removed from all websites […]

For God’s Sake, Think of the Children!

August 19, 2014 12

Often times, a reluctant masturbator does not want to masturbate, but the addiction of masturbation is too strong. For those of you who do not want to masturbate, but cannot help it, Think of the Children!

Masturbation is dirty, sleazy and immoral. That is why masturbators do it in secret and in privacy. What is needed is something innocent. Something pure. Something that reminds you of better times, when you were youthful and had a pure mind. What you need to […]

B.L.U.F.F. Female Masturbation Detection

August 8, 2014 30

SMN -My dear friends in Christ. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the first and only needed reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian parents are expected to abide by. The first and foremost of these responsibilities is to protect your precious children from sin.

The masculine parent is under just such an obligation, to […]

SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

July 25, 2014 78

Parents, Do you ever lie awake at night worrying your children are masturbating?

I know I sure did, that was until I started tucking my 23 Same Race Normal Children to bed safely wrapped up in the Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”.

Now I can rest assured that my boys will not be tempted to shake their SinSticks or the girls will not be Jibbering their Girly Bits.

No more

hourly finger sniff checks for the girls
no more crusty tube socks in the boys […]

“Pornography? On MY SON’S Computer?”

July 23, 2014 53


Parents, it has recently come to my attention that pornograpics, i.e., explicit sexual material, can be found on the World Wideweb (www).  Have you ever wondered what your son is doing whenever you are not around?  Chances are he is locked away in his bedroom, self-raping to pornographics.

Sadly, the World Wideweb (www) is not just an innocent place used for taxes, Scripture study and holy netsites such as STOP Masturbation NOW.  If your son is desperate enough, if […]

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

July 18, 2014 183

-Safford, AZ

Masturbation is a terrible disease and a depraved, sinful act. The below are critical “tips” for parents of any age. As we know, children may begin to explore their sin zones and masturbating at any age- watch them. Watch them closely. You never know when Satan enters your household and whenever a child masturbates, they do it under the influence of the dark lord- it is not a natural, godly act. In these moments, Lucifer himself is using your […]

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