Youth Caught Self Raping

June 23, 2016 64

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to […]

Is Masturbation a Homosexual Act?

August 3, 2015 61

Friends, as you know, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries are dedicated to educating the world about the dangers of masturbation.  One of the more disturbing faithfacts we have uncovered is that masturbation is a gateway homosexual act that has directly led to the moral decay of this great nation.

Typical masturbators flaunting their sin.

The federally funded study, conducted by faith scientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.), took 16 months and $645,000 of your tax dollars in order […]

STOP Masturbation NOW Under Attack By Paid Shills!

December 9, 2014 14

Matthew 6:24 – “…You cannot serve both God and money.”

 

As the STOP Masturbation NOW self-celibacy movement becomes more successful and influential, it appears that the pushback from our detractors has increased as well.  It’s obvious that the masturbation lobby fear us and monitor our online activities.  Like a caged animals, agents of Big Masturbation lash out when confronted with the “inconvenient truth” about self-rape.  With each new groundbreaking faithfact about the dangers of masturbation that we reveal, like clockwork, a […]

Mother Milk, A Good Start For Your Child?

October 9, 2014 9

We all know eating the wrong food has many unhealthy side effects, like heart disease and cancer.  But no one knew indulging the wrong foods also ensures one will surrender quickly to the sinful pleasures of masturbation. The earlier a child eats the wrong foods, the more harmful consequences in the longer term will be.

Recent research from B.L.U.F.F. University BLUFF, Department of Food Technology, has shown how harmful mother milk can be for young children, despite claims by doctors who […]

Tipping a Waiter That Might be a Masturbator

September 30, 2014 25

Gratuity is a form of appreciation for good service that is only seen in civilized countries like America. A well-tended-to patron with good manners will leave an additional sum to reflect their appreciation for good service. This “tip” is usually between 15-30% of the total bill.

However, tipping a suspected masturbator is a completely different situation. You do not know if your waiter has included his seed in your meal and he probably does not wash his hands. In an extreme […]

Queen-Live at the Rainbow ‘74

September 24, 2014 4

We may have figured we’d heard the last of them, but the sinister homosexual noise band, Queen, has released another splattering of dread onto the faces of the public. The deeply offensive tracks in their current live album were actually taken from a concert that occurred years ago. The music (I use the term very loosely) contained on “Live at the Rainbow ‘74” was, ironically, recorded in 1974, hence the “’74” in the tile. The hell hall used was the […]

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

September 6, 2014 28

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to […]

McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

September 4, 2014 16

(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening.

Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her statements and issued this press bulletin:

 

What’s he keeping that other hand free for?

“I am pursuing legal action to have these fake photos, which are not of me, removed from all websites […]

Jennifer Lawrence and “The Fappening”: Harlot Alert!

September 1, 2014 25

Seeking cheap internet fame, Hollywood harlot Jennifer Lawrence released several naked and nude photographs of herself and other celebrities in order to get online losers to masturbate themselves into a tizzy.  Friends, I urge you all to see these pictures for yourself in order to fully comprehend the dangers and immorality involved.  Please send all women and children out of the room before following this Not Safe For Women (NSFW) link.

www.jenniferlawrenceandothercelebritiesnaked.com

These are trying times for our Godly movement, but fear […]

The Temptations of the Camel Toe

August 20, 2014 12

Indeed, the camel toe is Satan’s powerful weapon in his war to destroy your soul.

A camel toe is a slang used to describe the shape and appearance of certain female boxes. When a woman jams her lower torso into today’s tight modern shorts, pant suits and thin fabric panties, the pressure and pattern of skin and fat displacement of her juice box and surrounding terrain takes the shape of an actual hoof print from the humped animals of Sand Mexico.

The […]

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