SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

February 8, 2017 4

“And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.” — Deut 32.19

In an expected move, SMN Ministries has announced its intention to protest the newest release from Regency Enterprises.

A Cure for Wellness is Hollywood’s newest Big Masturbation indoctrination. Presenting itself as a “psychological thriller,” the film is nothing more than an exposé of smut and debased sex.

The Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in […]

Mexi-FemiNazi’s Attack Chancellor Lonnie Childs During Press Conference!

February 4, 2017 1

Mexi-FemiNazi turns blue in the face from lack of oxygen as BLUFF agents threw her out into the street. /AP Photo

By Nigel J. Covington III

Reporting For SMN News

(SMN News) Today the U.S. Department of Education, (DOE) announced the Board of Education has approved a new Sex Education curriculum for all high school aged students who attend public high schools throughout the country.

Cynthia Castle-Coe, a spokesperson for the DOE, said, “Last week the board approved the BLUFF Sex Education Curriculum, submitted […]

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

November 23, 2016 3

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room.

The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in their room at the Hotel Benavidez in Texarkana.

The family, whose name will not be revealed, returned from a functioning lunch when the maternal parent discovered a faint almond odor when entering […]

Youth Caught Self Raping

June 23, 2016 64

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to […]

Jesus And The First Anti-Masturbation Cross®

March 25, 2016 31

This Easter as you enjoy quality time with your same-race family, it is important that you remember the reason for the season.  Reflect upon the sacrifice that Jesus made for us all by allowing Himself to die a painful, humiliating death nailed to the first Anti-Masturbation Cross® in order to forgive mankind of our sins.

Jesus was the only perfect human being to ever walk the Earth.  As such, He never engaged in the sin of self-rape.  I challenge any of the […]

BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

January 5, 2016 15

Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals.

In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words were made public:

“We at BLUFF have announced a boycott of the new Star Wars Movie.

“Strange and peculiar skin toned individuals, who by definition self rape frequently and with tremendous vigour, are […]

Burn “The Man” Now…Burn IN HELL Later!

September 14, 2015 22

Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival.

The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the dangerous street drug “ellis dee” decided to rebel against Godly morals by traveling to and masturbating in all 50 United States.  Typical of stupid and lazy drugged-out atheists, they failed to […]

Is Masturbation a Homosexual Act?

August 3, 2015 61

Friends, as you know, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries are dedicated to educating the world about the dangers of masturbation.  One of the more disturbing faithfacts we have uncovered is that masturbation is a gateway homosexual act that has directly led to the moral decay of this great nation.

Typical masturbators flaunting their sin.

The federally funded study, conducted by faith scientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.), took 16 months and $645,000 of your tax dollars in order […]

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

July 17, 2015 776

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian […]

Sign the Purity Pledge

March 4, 2015 25

“It’s always interesting to me when people say, ‘I’m not gonna’ have sex until I really love the person.’ To me that’s kinda’ like saying ‘I’m not gonna’ rob the bank until I really need money.’”
-Amber Haskew, Day of Purity coordinator

I hate this time of year for two reasons:
1. I’ve never had a girlfriend.
2. People bombard me with the same question: “Jake, are you really still a virgin?”

That question sucks because I’ve always had to give the same […]

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