It’s never too early to save their soul

September 24, 2014 11

The FaithFact Engineers have finally solved the age old dilemma of how to teach your infant not to masturbate. With this effective, yet stylishly functional centerpiece, you can proudly display your self-rape free Christian values and keep an eye on your little ones while keeping Satan from tempting them to Shake their little SinSticks or go Spelunking in their tiny SinCaves.

Each handsome centerpiece is lovingly handcrafted by our Normal Same Race Branch Lonvidian craftsmen, hand finished by our lesser gendered […]

The Menstrual Hut

September 23, 2014 20

The Menstrual Hut
Procedures and Guidelines

*Note: The following is a living document subject to refinement, adjustment, and reinterpretation by Brother Lonnie in conjunction with the B.L.U.F.F. Council of Elders (Eldership). Revisions may occur without notice; however, they become Campus Law as soon as they are bound to print. Any or all laws contained within the B.L.U.F.F. Handbook may be superseded by the King Lonald Holy Bible or by proclamation from Brother Lonnie or the Council of Elders (Eldership).

Brother Lonnie’s University of […]

Marine Planned Parenthood Performs First Successful Whale Abortion

September 19, 2014 14

(STOP MASTURBATION NOW NEWS) — Today, Friday September 19, 2014, most American’s are joyously celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day. But for the Marine Wildlife Preserve in San Francisco California today was a day to celebrate a victory. The first successful Baleen Whale abortion.

Faithless human Americans of questionable moral aptitude, having been forcing the notion that a mother has the right to “choose” to kill her unborn child. In Florida, a state known to be the Australia of the US, […]

Lonnie Childs Proudly Opens “The Tempura Center For Women.”

September 15, 2014 2

Safford, Arizona: Local philanthropist and leader of SMN Ministries, Lonnie Childs, has finished construction of The Tempura Center for Women.

SMN spokesman, August Weitz, spoke on behalf of Lonnie Childs when addressing the press today. “All too often, Masturbation takes the form of Rage and Violence, known to all of us as: MasturRage. This is similar to Roid-Rage, where too much free-roaming testosterone is present in the body, due to chronic masturbation.” Mr. Weitz went on to say, “Unfortunately, MasturRage adversely […]

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

September 11, 2014 3

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares.

The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed Assumption High School were minutes from Coach Bette Nepper’s muster whistle signaling the start of practive when the incident occured. A nearby custodial worker reported rhythmic screams coming from the girls […]

Jennifer Lawrence and “The Fappening”: Harlot Alert!

September 1, 2014 25

Seeking cheap internet fame, Hollywood harlot Jennifer Lawrence released several naked and nude photographs of herself and other celebrities in order to get online losers to masturbate themselves into a tizzy.  Friends, I urge you all to see these pictures for yourself in order to fully comprehend the dangers and immorality involved.  Please send all women and children out of the room before following this Not Safe For Women (NSFW) link.

These are trying times for our Godly movement, but fear […]


August 26, 2014 12

By TheRev Leroy Jenkins

The Femitheist is a 22-year-old criminology student with a three-year-old. One angry day in 2012 she took to the Internet to outline the brutal concept of International Mastubater Castration Day. After posting it on YouTube she stepped out for a coffee. Returning home a few hours later, she found that all gnashing masturbater hell had broken loose.

Her argument was that only through the reduction of the masturbater population to between 1 and 10 percent of their […]

Bionic “Glov” Masturbator in Development

August 12, 2014 12

SMN Labs-The newest threat from Big Masturbation is soon to become retail. A group of non-normal perverts in Tampa, FL have started “Glovin Life” to promote the sin delights females can acheive with a device named simply, ‘The Glov.”

Ladies with carpel tunnel pain can now experience dip-diddlings and pounding penetrations at the flick of the wrist. The device allows for a number of assorted phallic attachments to dampen the panties of the females under your family authority. One attachment is […]

B.L.U.F.F. Female Masturbation Detection

August 8, 2014 30

SMN -My dear friends in Christ. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the first and only needed reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian parents are expected to abide by. The first and foremost of these responsibilities is to protect your precious children from sin.

The masculine parent is under just such an obligation, to […]

3 Scare Films With Horrifying Masturbation Scenes

August 7, 2014 11

Typically, when lazy Hollywood filmmakers need something shocking to add to their film, they’ll add explosions, kill off one of their actors or introduce fake characters via digital technology. More refined filmmakers have been known to prey on the fears of morality by including shocking sexual and masturbatory scenes in their documentaries. Today, I’m going to discuss three such incidents of actual masturbation caught on film and used to great effect to show the downfall of the people committing the acts […]

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