Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

August 31, 2015 17

For a long time, it was believed that God gave people a given level of abstinence and there was nothing anyone could to to prevent the sinful lust impulses that lead to masturbation.

Scientists at Brother Lonnie University or Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) through a grant awarded by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have now proven that we can actually increase our abstinence potential and enjoy ourselves without handling our filthy sex organs in the process.

Here is a list of seven […]

Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

June 26, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F. SAFFORD AZ – Mobile phones and devices have become an increasing fixture in American life during the last decade or two. It seems that a person can go nowhere without finding citizens fiddling away with their noses in a cellular phone or tablet electronic device. Pastors and Ministers have even reported that parishioners will be surfed up during Sunday church services.

But these sins pale in comparison to the most deadly of sins, that of masturbation. At Brother Lonnie’s University […]

New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

June 20, 2015 15

New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of Satanism’s blackest unholy days.

The Holy Bible contains countless references to this event. Ezekiel 16.3 speaks of “great rumblings of darkness where no souls care to tread” and the book of […]

Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

May 27, 2015 8

A recent study conducted by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has uncovered a new faith fact proving a link between self-employment and self-rape. The Foundation’s study concluded that the rate of self-rape among individuals who consider themselves “self-employed” was significantly higher than among individuals who work for someone else. “The self-employed are typically able to set their own hours,” explained Dr. Chester Grant of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. “This allows those masturbators to set aside extra time […]

Masturbation: Offensive Across All Seven Deadly Sins

April 28, 2015 22

Safford, AZ – For years, the Stop Masturbation Now! Ministries has warned of and demonstrated the evils of Masturbation. The absolute harm done when one inflicts self rape activity on his or her soul when finger dancing the skin flute or spelunking the sin cave is incontrovertible, but still, agents of Big Masturbation have implanted seeds of doubt within the minds of the gullible and non-normal populations of God’s earth.

A shocking study performed at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts […]

You Are Cordially Invited…

November 22, 2014 23

Paula Austin awaiting her Holy Wedding Day in the Purity Cage.

You are cordially invited, that’s right, the entire Internet is invited, to celebrate the Holy Matrimony of my Brother Myron Danus to his Lonnie-approved, Same Race Assigned Spouse, Paula Austin, on Friday December 12th at 6pm.

The best picture I could find of Myron. Sorry ladies, his Fedora only tips for Paula Austin now.

The wedding ceremony itself will be a private function for family and friends at the B.L.U.F.F. compound […]

100% Of All Car Accidents Are Caused By Masturbators

November 13, 2014 18

The world’s last great think tank, The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, recently finished an 18 month study on the root cause of automobile accidents. The results they found, while predictable, were still shocking to the average American who still has not accepted Lonnie Childs as their personal anti-self-rape savior.

Dr. Carlton Abbott, who was lead faith researcher on the automobile accident study, spoke with Stop Masturbation Now in a brief telephone conversation I was able to have with him on […]

University of North Carolina Investigation Reveals Almost Entire Current Enrollment Confirmed Masturbators

October 23, 2014 4

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half of the students were student-athletes, putting the UNC athletic department between the crosshairs of the mainstream press.

However, the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow was conducting a concurrent investigation to Mr. […]

Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

October 12, 2014 8

The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow in association with B.L.U.F.F. has confirmed that a new super strain of Ebola is passed to hosts through masturbation. The virus clings to the outer skin palettes and is launched airborne at the moment of masturbatory climactic release, becoming airborne and susceptible to transmission to anyone breathing in the tainted air.

The virus is strengthened by the humid and grimy climates common to the maturbationist’s environment. The virus is transferred to the hands by coughing […]

It’s never too early to save their soul

September 24, 2014 11

The FaithFact Engineers have finally solved the age old dilemma of how to teach your infant not to masturbate. With this effective, yet stylishly functional centerpiece, you can proudly display your self-rape free Christian values and keep an eye on your little ones while keeping Satan from tempting them to Shake their little SinSticks or go Spelunking in their tiny SinCaves.

Each handsome centerpiece is lovingly handcrafted by our Normal Same Race Branch Lonvidian craftsmen, hand finished by our lesser gendered […]

1 2 3
%d bloggers like this: