Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

March 6, 2017 13

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the pages of their history books onto their faces. It is because of this that the SMN Ministries has begun a series of revisions to these fables to correct inaccuracies using historically based FaithFacts™.

The period after the fall of Poland and before the Nazi Blitzkreeg of […]

A Third World Christmas

December 18, 2014 4

By: Cassidy Pen, USMC (ret.)

My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way, as you hopefully are putting the finishing touches on your preparations to celebrate the Birthday of Baby Jesus with your appointed spouses and loved ones, I’d like to share a true Christmas story from the past during my time in the US Marine Corps.

It was the fourth week in December, 1986 when my unit was called upon to execute a clandestine ‘sweep and clear’ operation. The federal boys […]

Top Five Animals To Go Extinct From Masturbation

November 8, 2014 27


Throughout the approximately 8,500 years the world has existed, many animals have gone extinct, but only a few notable animals have gone extinct from masturbation.

Here’s a list of the top five:

1) The Tasmanian Tiger.

The thylacine was the first large cat to go extinct from masturbation

2) The Great Normal Rhinoceros

Though his name suggests he is a great beast, the Great Normal Rhinoceros became extinct because of hornplay and masturbation.

3) The Do-Do Bird

Like seriously, do we even have to explain how […]

My Name is Lonnie Childs

September 22, 2014 73

Hello, my name is Lonnie Childs and I am the founder and president of the STOP Masturbation NOW self-celibacy movement.  Welcome to my netsite.

Many years ago, while living at home as a 25 year-old youth, my mother walked in on me as I raped myself an image of black pop sensation, Tina Turner.  I’ll never forget the look on her face as she observed her only son abusing his sin zones in such a depraved manner.  It wasn’t long before […]

5 Greatest Non-Masturbators In History

August 4, 2014 19



Throughout the ages, the scourge of self-rape sought to destroy all mankind held dear. Yet some great primitives in ancient times, avoided the plauge of masturbation, and rose above sullying themselves and instead stood tall, proud and self-shame free.

Here is a list of the greatest non-masturbators in history:

5) Genghis Khan

Feared heathen mongoloid Ornamental Khan once ruled most of Masturbasia. Despite have The Downs, and being very, very short, he was a staunch anti-masturbator. He impregnated thousands and thousands […]

A History Lesson to the Masturbators

July 27, 2014 67

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator.  Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of  good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt from the heavens. Permission to quote for school research, term papers, et cetera is granted provided proper credit is given.

Teaching a History Lesson at You Masturbators
by Prof. Milton H. Grits […]

Faithfact #448 – T-Rex’s Short Arms

July 24, 2014 17

Faith Fact #448



The mighty dragon, T-Rex, once had arms like that of a man but was PUNISHED by God for masturbating and cursed with the short arms he now has

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