SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

February 8, 2017 7

“And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.” — Deut 32.19

In an expected move, SMN Ministries has announced its intention to protest the newest release from Regency Enterprises.

A Cure for Wellness is Hollywood’s newest Big Masturbation indoctrination. Presenting itself as a “psychological thriller,” the film is nothing more than an exposé of smut and debased sex.

The Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in […]

Are You A Closet-Homosexual???

August 7, 2015 18

 

Have you ever heard the term “Closet Homosexual?” Do you know what it means? Back in a more civilized time, Americans did not openly discuss things, such as: masturbation, mixed-race children, women’s rights, genetically modified food, The Gay, or the Democratic Party.

In those days, rather than openly discussing such disgusting topics as Masturbation, discretion was the order of the day. Knowing full-well that most masturbators of the time did so in private, a gentleman would simply refer to a masturbator […]

Is Masturbation a Homosexual Act?

August 3, 2015 61

Friends, as you know, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries are dedicated to educating the world about the dangers of masturbation.  One of the more disturbing faithfacts we have uncovered is that masturbation is a gateway homosexual act that has directly led to the moral decay of this great nation.

Typical masturbators flaunting their sin.

The federally funded study, conducted by faith scientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.), took 16 months and $645,000 of your tax dollars in order […]

Introducing Brother Lonnie’s Approved Prosthetic Limbs For Masturbatory Amputees

January 11, 2015 20

In a world where masturbation has run rampant, more and more people are having their arms or hands amputated due to masturbation injuries and diseases. While we do not approve of the activities that self-rapists involve themselves in, we do still care about the human species and the blacks, so Brother Lonnie has invented some amazing prosthetic limbs for people who lost their limbs as a result of masturbation. This will be our first of many advertisements for […]

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

December 23, 2014 10

As a former homogay I spend many a restless night thinking back on my past lascivious lifestyle while praying long and hard to fight the temptations to return to the homogay cabal. After fifteen minutes of rest I begin praying long and hard again. As I was gripped in the throes of feverish, sweaty prayer I realized there was a way to fight the urges and test my commitment to Christ and Brother Lonnie’s teachings.

Brother Lonnie in his infinite wisdom […]

Lonnie is Homo With the Father

October 21, 2014 15

WARNING: TL;DR

The Father is homo with the Son.
The Son is homo with the Bird.
The Bird is the Word.
In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
Behold, the Technical Virgin was with child.
And she asked the angel Lorenzo Horatio Ribierto III,
“What shall I call him?”
And he answered her, “You shall call his name ‘Lonnie’,
for he shall save his people from their sin sticks.”

If […]

Mother Milk, A Good Start For Your Child?

October 9, 2014 9

We all know eating the wrong food has many unhealthy side effects, like heart disease and cancer.  But no one knew indulging the wrong foods also ensures one will surrender quickly to the sinful pleasures of masturbation. The earlier a child eats the wrong foods, the more harmful consequences in the longer term will be.

Recent research from B.L.U.F.F. University BLUFF, Department of Food Technology, has shown how harmful mother milk can be for young children, despite claims by doctors who […]

Tipping a Waiter That Might be a Masturbator

September 30, 2014 25

Gratuity is a form of appreciation for good service that is only seen in civilized countries like America. A well-tended-to patron with good manners will leave an additional sum to reflect their appreciation for good service. This “tip” is usually between 15-30% of the total bill.

However, tipping a suspected masturbator is a completely different situation. You do not know if your waiter has included his seed in your meal and he probably does not wash his hands. In an extreme […]

The Faces of Masturbation Series: Recognize the Signs!

September 23, 2014 23

Encountering a masturbator in the wild can be frightening if you don’t recognize the warning signs.  Pictured is your typical brain-dead masturbator, capable of only making guttural groaning noises, hurling insults that only the most remedial 3rd grade dropout might find amusing and, of course, masturbation.  Be aware of the warning signs and God bless some of

NFL Superstar, Adrian Peterson, Arrested for Spanking “The Gay” Out of His Son

September 16, 2014 9

 

Last week, Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Adrian Peterson, was arrested in his hometown for a mysterious domestic violence charge. This came on the heals of Jerry Rice’s suspension and dismissal from the Baltimore colts for disciplining his wife in an Atlantic City elevator.

Today, the Cobb County prosecutor announced that Adrian Peterson was in-fact, preventing his son from masturbating by “Spanking the Gay” out of him with a tree branch. Legal experts say that if Mr. Peterson did this in any other […]

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