Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

February 5, 2017 3

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation.

“It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum and cause us tremendous problems.”

After a weekend conference with SMN Chairman, Lonald Childs, the Trump team is poised to suspend refugee and visa programs as applied to many self-rape countries, including […]

Mexi-FemiNazi’s Attack Chancellor Lonnie Childs During Press Conference!

February 4, 2017 1

Mexi-FemiNazi turns blue in the face from lack of oxygen as BLUFF agents threw her out into the street. /AP Photo

By Nigel J. Covington III

Reporting For SMN News

(SMN News) Today the U.S. Department of Education, (DOE) announced the Board of Education has approved a new Sex Education curriculum for all high school aged students who attend public high schools throughout the country.

Cynthia Castle-Coe, a spokesperson for the DOE, said, “Last week the board approved the BLUFF Sex Education Curriculum, submitted […]

Donald Trump Fulfills First Prophecy, Disposes of Mexican Dictator Fidel Castro

November 26, 2016 12

Havana, Mexico — Praise!  In the first of what is sure to be thousands of prophecies fulfilled, Dear Leader Donald Trump has administered swift and fatal justice to Mexican tyrant, Fidel Castro, who was killed today by special forces on the orders of the President-elect, ending decades of masturbation-related terrorism worldwide.

VICTORY!!!

– Lonnie

B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

November 21, 2016 13

SMN -My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the most important reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian parents are expected to abide by. The first and foremost of these responsibilities is to protect your precious children from sin.

The masculine parent is under just such an […]

Anti Masturbation Group Leads Coup to Fix Turkey

July 15, 2016 3

(StopmasturbationNOW)— Turkeys days as the “Masturbation Capital of the Black Sea” are almost over. A anti masturbation advocate and follower of Lonnie Childs has led a military coup in Turkey.

 

SMN founder and leader Lonnie Childs released the following statement.

“Our friends in the Turkish military have taken over the government and imposed martial law. I wish to lend them both public and private support in the days and months ahead as they lay the foundation for the world’s first masturbation free […]

Youth Caught Self Raping

June 23, 2016 64

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to […]

Ted Cruz Trying to Sway the Anti-Masturbation Vote Away From Trump

April 15, 2016 2

Ever since SMN Ministries founder and overall spiritual leader Lonnie Childs declared his endorsement for GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, Texas senator Ted Cruz has been lobbying the Anti-Masturbation community for their support, directly.

Senator Cruz has repeatedly brought-up his 2004 efforts as Solicitor General of Texas to ban the sale of sex toys in Texas as his way of gaining ground on the Trump campaign’s stranglehold on this key Republican demographic.  The Texas Senator’s rhetoric has intensified after Trump’s famous public […]

BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

January 5, 2016 15

Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals.

In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words were made public:

“We at BLUFF have announced a boycott of the new Star Wars Movie.

“Strange and peculiar skin toned individuals, who by definition self rape frequently and with tremendous vigour, are […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

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