Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

August 28, 2015 9

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known simply as “Salazar” has claimed that she found a suspicious e-mail address among the millions released from Ashley Madison internal servers.  The e-mail address in question is NOTlonniechilds6969@stopmasturbationnow.org.  In a […]

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

August 18, 2015 3

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared Foundation pornography sweep by federal agents. However, sources inside Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts have revealed that a sit down with Lonnie Childs is what convinced Fogle to admit […]

Lonnie Childs To Sue HBO Over ‘Game Of Thrones’ Scene

August 1, 2015 13

Brother Lonnie Childs is seeking damages after the heathens at HBO have reportedly bastardized a “reenactment” of a private Lonvidian custom in their hit series Game of Thrones. The episode in question, the “season finale” of Season 5, entitled ‘Mother’s Mercy’, features a scene with the character Cersei that would hit too close to come to any devout follower of Brother Lonnie.

“None of us have seen it,” explains Brother Foster Good. “The Brothers we task with scouring ‘popular culture’ for […]

Lonnie Childs Officially Declares Bruce Jenner Male… Pope to Follow Suit

June 2, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—It’s funny how liberals always turn to science to disprove religion and conservative issues. From the scopes monkey trial to evolution, liberals trot out piece of scientific evidence after piece of scientific evidence. It’s funny how all that science goes away when it suits them. Despite everything about biology, liberals own evolution, natural selection etc.. that proves gender and heterosexual issues, liberals seem intent on saying gender is not biological but mental. People can decide to be one, both, either, […]

Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

May 30, 2015 5

Lonnie Childs has done it again! Word has come down from Iggy Azalea’s management that her ‘Great Escape’ tour has been officially canceled. The alleged rapper, Azalea, has long been considered a tool of the entertainment division of Big Masturbation. “Big Masturbation has used pop stars and singers as means to their filthy ends for years,” said Brother Parker Osgood of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts in Safford, Arizona. “Stars like Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, even going as far […]

STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

May 11, 2015 33

Lonnie Childs received great news over the weekend when the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center in Safford, Arizona delivered the results of a three-month study on the effectiveness of the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®. According to spokesman Dennis E. Cross of the GCJDC, “We found Mr. Childs’s jackets were of great benefit to our juvenile detention officers. Our staff found a staggering 100% reduction in sexual misconduct amongst our youth detainees that were kept in the jackets. One can’t argue with those types […]

Lonnie Childs Releases 10 Point Plan to Address Compound Overcrowding

April 21, 2015 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)—The following is a release from Dr Lonnie Childs to the SMN fellowship…

4/21/2015

Greetings my friends. It is hard to believe we are already one third through 2015. These have been difficult yet promising times. The world has never seen so much evil and danger, yet those same evils and dangers have been sending people to us at an unprecedented rate. We are growing! Unfortunately we are also getting a little overcrowded. Our Safford Compound is a 110% capacity and our new […]

Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

April 10, 2015 7

We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is a measure of blood flow to the penis. The penile monitoring is typically achieved by “measuring the circumference of the penis with a mercury-in-rubber or electromechanical strain gauge, or the […]

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Solves Mystery Of Bigfoot

April 3, 2015 11

Another one of life’s great mysteries has been solved thanks to the tireless efforts of Lonnie Childs. Brother Lonnie was out walking the Earth as He does from time to time and found Himself in Western Oregon in the woods. The particular area Brother Lonnie was traveling through is renowned for ‘Bigfoot’ sightings, but Brother Lonnie, spiritual man that He is does not believe in such hokum and made a campfire for the evening. Brother Lonnie began by praying over […]

Lonnie Childs Saves Wrestlemania, Convinces Brock Lesnar To Sign With WWE

March 24, 2015 4

World Wrestling Entertainment fans can breathe a big sigh of relief as Lonnie Childs has convinced current champion, Brock Lesnar, to renew his contract with the company. Lesnar’s status with the “sports entertainment” group had been uncertain and Lesnar had hinted at a return to mixed martial arts fighting. Things had gotten tense as the WWE’s largest event of the year, Wrestlemania, is this Sunday and Lesnar was still not signed to a new contract. Many speculated that Lesnar would lose […]

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