Chronic Masturbator Sues the State of Florida for the Right to Marry Himself.

July 26, 2014 17

 

Joe Ferno, of Naples Florida, has filed suit in State Superior Court, claiming that his right to marry himself is being infringed upon by Florida’s antiquated laws that state marriage is between two people.

The plaintiff, an admitted ten-times a day masturbator, says he is doing what all same-self marriage advocates should be doing.

“It aint like I’m coming out of the closet or nothin” said Mr. Ferno. “Hell, I aint even prying myself away from the Spice Channel. I just wants […]

Canine Gigantism Outbreak Hits U.S. East Coast

July 24, 2014 11

Jessica King started to notice something was wrong with her prized Golden Retriever, “Rusty”. “Rusty” began eating excessive amounts of dog food and even King’s neighbors noticed that he seemed to be growing larger every day. King, distraught, took “Rusty” to the local veterinarian who was equally baffled. “Rusty”‘s diet hadn’t changed, his activity level was normal and as King states, “He no longer fit on the bed with me at night. Something was definitely wrong.” After exhausting all of […]

Puppy Molested-Former SMN Deacon undergoes psychiatric testing

July 20, 2014 9

By TheRev Leroy Jenkins

EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. (BLUFF PRESS) – A southwestern Illinois man found mentally fit to stand trial on charges that he molested a puppy is waiting for court officials to decide if he’s a sexually dangerous person.

The National Report  reports former Stop Masturbation Now Inner Deacon & Same Race Normal 43-year-old Tom Downey has pleaded not guilty to three counts of sexual conduct with a female Rottweiler puppy.

The former SMN Deacon has been undergoing evaluations […]

California Teen Masturbates Himself To Death, Parents Blame “Common Core”

July 15, 2014 58

By: TheRev Leroy Jenkins

A teenage boy from Southern California has committed masturbation suicide after a clip of him masturbating in a bathroom stall went viral, leading him to being “mercilessly prayed AT” at school by Normals, BLUFF News reports.

Now, the parents of 14-year-old Matthew Burdette are suing their son’s school district for $1 million, claiming that ” Common Core” Big Masturbation propaganda was to blame, but the school administration nothing to stop it.

According to his parents’ lawsuit, the harassment began after Burdette was […]

Christophobia – the Natural Result of Self-Rape

July 14, 2014 12

My dear friends in Christ. May God bless you in HIS name and bestow special graces upon you for reading this most holy webpage.

Jesus knows that the Internet is rife with all manner of deviance and uncouth content. The devil uses the Big Masturbation coalition of evil to infiltrate media and government to lure the weak-minded among us to the gateway sin of self-rape. In doing so, the affected mind will grow to distrust and oppose the goodwill espoused by […]

Profile of a Masturbation Disease: Hypertrichosis (MHB)

July 6, 2014 24

Overview & Faith Facts™: Hypertrichosis, or “Masturbator’s Hairy Body” (MHB) as it is usually called, is known to have affected millions of individuals throughout recorded history. Early on, MHB afflicted individuals were thought to be “wolfmen” that were shapeshifters. Thankfully around the early 1960s, Lonnie Childs and his team of researchers were able to confirm that these individuals were not something fantastical, but just common masturbators that made poor choices in life. Any given year, around 2000 individuals succumb to MHB […]

Actor Robin Williams pursues ongoing Anti-Masturbation 12-step treatment

July 2, 2014 19

By: TheRev Leroy Jenkins

STAFFORD, AZ (BLUFF PRESS) — Robin Williams is reconnecting with the 12-step program during a brief stay at a Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts facility.

A spokeswoman for the 62-year-old actor-comedian says Williams planned the visit as a respite to recharge after more than 18 straight months of work.

Publicist Maya Rueben-Dix  said Williams is “taking the opportunity to fine-tune and focus on his continued commitment remain Self-Rape free, of which he remains extremely proud.”

Williams has been open about […]

Death Toll From Masturbation Ebola Rises In Sierra Leone

June 10, 2014 6

Masturbation Ebola Faith Fact™ sheet

FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE (SMNNN) — The death toll of aid workers killed by those infected in the recent Masturbation Ebola outbreak in Sierra Leone has tripled in the last week. While local health officials were originally concerned with the deaths of those infected with the disease, the concern has turned to the aid workers being attacked and mauled by the infected.

“While only 10 infected individuals have perished from the Masturbation Ebola (M.E.) outbreak so far, the […]

What really caused LeBron James to spend Game 1 on the sidelines.

June 9, 2014 2

Masturbation Induced Dehydration symptoms

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — Non-normal basketball icon, LeBron James, dodged a bullet last week during the first Game of the NBA Finals in San Antonio, Texas. James, who was forced to ride the bench during the crucial fourth period costing Miami the game, tried to pass the incident off as a normal muscle cramp. However, we at SMNNN dug deeper and here is what was uncovered.

A source close to the NBA let […]

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