Masturbation Mythbusters: Medical Masturbation – The Dismal ScLIEnce

May 30, 2014 5


It is OK to let doctors masturbate me because scLIEnce says that I must allow them to smear my paps!

Status: B U S T E D!

Nice try ladies! This line of reasoning completely falls apart when one considers the findings of The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, which clearly establishes that any mitigation of health outcomes attributed to medical masturbation fall well bellow the threshold for statistical significance. Moreover, it has been clearly demonstrated that petitioning for divine intervention yields […]

The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

May 30, 2014 2

Have you ever been afflicted by an Inappropriate Office Boner (I.O.B.) at work?  It’s an embarrassing condition that can be caused by one of the following three things:  too-tight slacks, the tawdry new intern and her suggestive clothing, or thoughts of carpet bombing a foreign nation such as Canada.

The most effective way to rid yourself of the I.O.B. is to discreetly slip off into the men’s room and place a cold spoon on the offending organ.  I know it sounds […]

Godzilla: A Documentary Displaying the Dangers of Self Rape

May 18, 2014 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)—After nuclear power was proven 100 percent safe, Godzilla producers needed to find another more realistic causation for a creature like Godzilla to exist. Masturbation was the only thing that fit from a scientific point of view.

This weekend I had the opportunity to view this Documentary and I was pleasantly surprised. The theater was fairly clean and the floor was not sticky. Also the temperature seemed just about right. If anything maybe one degree too warm.

Once the movie started it […]

“Spin the Bottle”: A Harmless Rite of Passage or Dangerous Masturbation Ritual?

May 17, 2014 3

Some say that the pre-teen game “spin the bottle” is harmless fun; a time where whimsical memories are created, a rite of passage for many a youth.  The people who believe this couldn’t be more wrong!



There’s nothing more important to a young person than appearing “cool” in the eyes of their peers.  The pressure to circle jerk-off with the “hip” kids at school is an issue […]

About Masturbation

May 5, 2014 4

Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.

– Lonnie

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