Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

August 18, 2015 3

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared Foundation pornography sweep by federal agents. However, sources inside Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts have revealed that a sit down with Lonnie Childs is what convinced Fogle to admit […]

Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

June 26, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F. SAFFORD AZ – Mobile phones and devices have become an increasing fixture in American life during the last decade or two. It seems that a person can go nowhere without finding citizens fiddling away with their noses in a cellular phone or tablet electronic device. Pastors and Ministers have even reported that parishioners will be surfed up during Sunday church services.

But these sins pale in comparison to the most deadly of sins, that of masturbation. At Brother Lonnie’s University […]

New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

June 20, 2015 15

New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of Satanism’s blackest unholy days.

The Holy Bible contains countless references to this event. Ezekiel 16.3 speaks of “great rumblings of darkness where no souls care to tread” and the book of […]

Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

May 27, 2015 8

A recent study conducted by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has uncovered a new faith fact proving a link between self-employment and self-rape. The Foundation’s study concluded that the rate of self-rape among individuals who consider themselves “self-employed” was significantly higher than among individuals who work for someone else. “The self-employed are typically able to set their own hours,” explained Dr. Chester Grant of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. “This allows those masturbators to set aside extra time […]

SMN Self Rape Alert: Mad Max Fury Road

May 20, 2015 11

SMN Safford, AZ-As kids flock to the latest Hollywood Blockbuster, Mad Max-Fury Road, a disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

Various hidden pro masturbation messages have been uncovered in the film which has earned a FAPMILF color code rating of red, or nearly %100 danger of masturbation sin to minors and the weak-minded. This SMN Self Rape […]

Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

April 25, 2015 20

Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool.  Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had handed out to him and his sisters.

Chick Tracts are a wonderful comic book series!

Instead of losing himself in the fine, moral storytelling of Jack Chick as his siblings were, Jimmy […]

The Real Holocaust Happened in Your Pants Last Night

April 24, 2015 9

[Editor’s Note: This post was originally written on April 20th]

Today, as millions around the world celebrate the birth of Adolf Hitler, I am reminded of the genocide that is happening right under our noses. Literally.

Each day in America, there are an estimated 250 million acts of male masturbation, on the low end (Source: B.L.U.F.F FaithStatistics Department, 2015). Each ejaculation contains between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm. This means between 10,000,000,000,000,000 and 300,000,000,000,000,000 sperm are murdered every day, if we’re keeping with the […]

Can Smoking Help Prevent Masturbation?

April 19, 2015 24

(Stop Masturbation Now)— Smoking has gotten an unfair bad reputation recently. The truth is that smoking can reduce masturbation desires up to 50%. When one smokes two things happen. One, the hands are busy and therefore do not wander to the sin regions of the body. Second, the after effects of smoking leaves the body in a state in which it is less interested in raping itself.


As you […]

Rap Music Producer Blockhead Refuses To Masturbate In Hotel Room

April 15, 2015 8

Brother Lonnie Childs has been working closely with a handful of small hotels across the United States on a mission to make hotel rooms less enticing to the common masturbator. Brother Lonnie started small with lower budget hotels, the likes of which tend to attract small business travelers and touring musicians. “We chose the types of hotels we did, as years of research has shown that traveling salesmen and musicians are the most likely to engage in self-rape in their […]

Big Masturbation Beer Removed From Shelves In Chicago

April 10, 2015 4

Anti-masturbation achieved a small victory recently when a pro-masturbation beer funded by Big Masturbation was removed from the shelves of a Chicago liquor store. The beer in question, “Happy Ending”, being marketed by SweetWater Brewing Company, features a label of man’s contorted face in the middle of an orgasm etched onto a box of tissues.  That alone would raise the red flags of any anti-masturbation warrior, however, the shop owner continued to dig deeper and found the outline of an […]

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