Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

March 25, 2015 3

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation.

Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed playing style. Single-handedly compelled to rid baseball of masturbation, he became affectionately known by his nickname, the “Georgia Peach.”

Ty’s father was fatally shot by his mother. Court records indicate that Mr. […]

Great Moments In Anti-Masturbation History: Seinfeld

March 23, 2015 3

Midway through its fourth season, popular NBC sitcom, ‘Seinfeld’, featured an episode called “The Contest” where the main characters all decided to see which one could refrain from masturbation the longest. At first the network was not pleased that the writers of the show had such a vulgar theme for the episode. In fact, NBC felt that masturbation was not a suitable topic for the crown jewel in their “Must See TV” block of programming. On the surface, the fact […]

MASTURBATION ALERT! Bert Strips Pose a Clear and Present Self-Rape Threat

March 23, 2015 6

B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts) has raised the overall self rape level to Orange-Imminent Threat of Self-Rape detected.

The Facebook Rise of the Butthurt has published a series of “Bertstrips.” These crude cartoons pose an imminent threat of self rape!

The following is official information from the B.L.U.F.F. Self-Rape Emergency Broadcast System:

Self-rape activity has been detected and confirmed as a result of exposure to this facebook.

Please use caution. Place proper software locks on the facebook to prevent females, children, minorities, […]

Hotel Chain Promotes Masturbation

March 20, 2015 2

Big Masturbation has reportedly taken control of the “Days Inn” chain of budget hotels. An Instagram user discovered what they referred to as the “mosr (sic) accurate ‘do not disturb’ sign ever. All that’s missing is the furious and deeply shameful masturbation.”

Traditionally, the “Do Not Disturb” sign has been used to alert the cleaning staff that the room was not ready for cleaning. Clearly, at hotels like Days Inn, it is now being used to protect the disturbing practices of the average American […]

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

February 12, 2015 8

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to the fact that his hands had found their way beneath the covers. The ruining of ‘Thomas’s’ bed was a small price to pay for being spared from the most selfish […]

New Anti-Masturbation Doll Warns When Masturbators Are Near

January 16, 2015 16

Anti-masturbation advocates received favorable news recently upon the announcement of a new doll that is designed to detect the presence of masturbators. The doll, called “Woody The Warning Worm”, was created by faith engineers to illuminate within 50 feet of a detected masturbator.

Melvin Briggs, one of the many faith scientists who created “Woody” discussed with us how the doll works and the many benefits it brings to responsible parents.

Stop Masturbation Now: Hello, Dr. Briggs. Praise Lonnie! How exactly does the […]

19-Year-Old Girl Drowns Masturbating In Shower

December 4, 2014 36

19-Year-Old Becky Hawkins of Pink Hill, North Carolina met the same fate that befalls 100% of all masturbators when she died committing the sin of self-rape in her shower. Hawkins, overcome by the throes of committing a deviant act with a removable showerhead, was found dead by her roommate, Jack Phillips, also of Pink Hill, North Carolina. The local medical examiner has ruled that Ms. Hawkins’s death was caused by drowning.

Faith Scientist, Dr. Keith Fitzgerald, of the Foundation For A […]

University of North Carolina Investigation Reveals Almost Entire Current Enrollment Confirmed Masturbators

October 23, 2014 4

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half of the students were student-athletes, putting the UNC athletic department between the crosshairs of the mainstream press.

However, the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow was conducting a concurrent investigation to Mr. […]

Disturbing Video: Panda Caught Self-raping

October 21, 2014 10

The Wicked Wildlife Federation, in association with agents from Big Masturbation have released a disturbing video.

The grainy, shaking, out-of-focus footage shows a psychotic panda with glazed eyes, oblivious to the world, shaking his sin stick with vigor and reckless abandon until streams of seedy ejaculate are squirted into the air with no regard to purchase.

No doubt, this is the work of the devil and Big Masturbation. It’s not surprising that this revolting media cums from the nation of Communist Chinasia. They will […]

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