Hands-on Method to Detect Self-Rape

September 23, 2014 6

Hey there Normals of the faithful flock!  Do you fear handshakes in public because masturbators with their spooge-covered hands are all around us?  Are you tired of constantly doing moisture checks on your SRAS to make sure she’s not spelunking in her sin cave?  Worried that there might be MRFPs (Masturbation Residue Film Particles) invading the fine upholstery of your genuine 70s-era Davenport, endangering your children’s health and giving the family dog cancer?  Lesser-gendered females, do you worry that your […]

Marine Planned Parenthood Performs First Successful Whale Abortion

September 19, 2014 14

(STOP MASTURBATION NOW NEWS) — Today, Friday September 19, 2014, most American’s are joyously celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day. But for the Marine Wildlife Preserve in San Francisco California today was a day to celebrate a victory. The first successful Baleen Whale abortion.

Faithless human Americans of questionable moral aptitude, having been forcing the notion that a mother has the right to “choose” to kill her unborn child. In Florida, a state known to be the Australia of the US, […]

A Button-down Appointed Spouse…

September 15, 2014 6

Brother Lonald explains to his followers,

The need for Christianity to be at the forefront of preventing self-rape and other flesh sins is apparent. The devil seeks to destroy your soul by breaking down your human structure. Satan knows that a human being built with Jesus as the foundation is strong and resistant to hell’s fires.

Satan also knows that He can destroy this foundation through lust and suggestion. His use of the weaker female sex to break down the masculine order […]

Habitual Masturbating Rapper “Coolio” had the Production of his Masturbation Themed Music Video Halted By Normal Raced Neighbors

September 15, 2014 2

Earlier this month, our sister-news site “Vice News,” broke a story about rapper “Coolio” attempting to film a music video about Masturbation, for PornHub Records.  The Normal people who lived in the neighborhood where the production was taking place called the police to report masturbation-type activities.

Mr. Coolio and his production team were forced to leave the all-white neighborhood and instead, wrap-up filming at a local Korean-owned grocery store.

Mr. Coolio takes his name from the Spanish word for a person’s backside.

You […]

Study Confirms B.L.U.F.F. Men Have Larger Penis Size

September 7, 2014 31

BLUFF HQ-STAFFORD, AZ – A recent study just concluded by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) in association with The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has confirmed what we at the SMN Ministry knew all along – the men of B.L.U.F.F. have substantially larger penis sizes than those of non-normal masturbators. The finalized data reveals (no pun intended) that B.L.U.F.F. men sport penis sizes 100% larger on average than non-normals.

The study surveyed over 50,000 penis sizes from non-normal masturbators […]

Brother Lonald Foils the Devil Again

September 5, 2014 17

Note: The following is a excerpt from the King Lonald Holy Bible, a more accurate account of God and Christ.

…and so it was that Brother Lonald, adhering to the Lord’s Calling to deliver the message of self rape abstinence to the afflicted third world countries of tribal Africa, was confronted by terrorist hijackers aboard a DC10 en route to Kenya.

The leader of the sinful band of sand tribals, Ali Haja Aboodabi, ordered his men to commandeer the aircraft shortly after […]

BLUFF Librarian Publishes Book, Library Burns To The Ground

August 30, 2014 11

Stafford, AZ – The Lonnie Childs Private Library, operated and managed by Alicia Stephenhopper, has burned to the ground under suspicious circumstances. The state of the art facility, offering the latest dial-up internet access and dozens of books and publications to the members of the BLUFF compound, will be closed indefinitely pending a decision by the Normal Council of Men to rebuild the facility.

“I honestly don’t know who would do this. I’m just heartbroken about the whole thing. […]

Ebola Discovered Spread Via Masturbation

August 14, 2014 6

SIERRA LEONE – A French foreign aid worker has contracted the Ebola virus through masturbation. The World Health Organization morns the loss of a brave volunteer, Jorge Pierre-Francios, who was assisting the infected in a makeshift Ebola treatment center in Sierra Leone.

Previous infections of the virus have been through blood or bodily fluid contact with an infected individual. This is the first time that the virus has been spread through masturbation.

Ebola is contained in the ejaculate of the infected. As […]


August 11, 2014 31

Robin Williams has committed suicide.The Oscar-winning actor/comedian killed himself in Tiburon, in Northern California.   His people tell us he’s been recently battling severe depression.  According to the Marin County Sheriff Christopher Huckeby… authorities found Williams’ body inside his home.  They say he was found unresponsive.He was unconscious and not breathing and the Dr. Eric Whitehead Marin County coroner suspects suicide due to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation.  Dr. Whitehead noted that Williams was clutching a head shot of Matt Damon in his left […]

How to “Rescue” your dog from Masturbation

August 10, 2014 20

We all know that masturbation advocates claim that Masturbation is “natural” and they back-up that claim by saying that Animals do it. This statement is false, to a certain degree. Most animals do not masturbate, as it is a completely unnatural act. Unfortunately, some animals do masturbate. These same animals also: eat their own feces, kill children, sniff crotches, make loud noises, throw their own feces, have sex with inanimate objects, and so on….

Like with human masturbators, animal masturbators are […]

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