Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

June 26, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F. SAFFORD AZ – Mobile phones and devices have become an increasing fixture in American life during the last decade or two. It seems that a person can go nowhere without finding citizens fiddling away with their noses in a cellular phone or tablet electronic device. Pastors and Ministers have even reported that parishioners will be surfed up during Sunday church services.

But these sins pale in comparison to the most deadly of sins, that of masturbation. At Brother Lonnie’s University […]

DIVINE REVELATION: VACCINES CAUSE MASTURBATORY ILLNESSES

March 26, 2015 6

Most of you are familiar with the controversy surrounding the vaccines. If not, then you probably live under a rock in the desert. The vaccines are neither necessary nor safe, and men of God have warned against them ever since their inception.

The Diabeetus

As dangerous as they are, illnesses are God’s creations. We do our best to live in wholesome and healthy environments as the Bible commands. If we get sick, there are medical treatments and if we die, we die a […]

Masturbation Prevention

November 28, 2014 22

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?” 1 Corinthians 6:19 NAS

Today’s culture loves to promote the lie that we own our body and God is cool with us misusing it. However, in the Bible, God says our body is His temple and He’s not cool with us misusing it. Unfortunately, most people disobey God and […]

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

September 11, 2014 3

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares.

The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed Assumption High School were minutes from Coach Bette Nepper’s muster whistle signaling the start of practive when the incident occured. A nearby custodial worker reported rhythmic screams coming from the girls […]

Ebola Discovered Spread Via Masturbation

August 14, 2014 6

SIERRA LEONE – A French foreign aid worker has contracted the Ebola virus through masturbation. The World Health Organization morns the loss of a brave volunteer, Jorge Pierre-Francios, who was assisting the infected in a makeshift Ebola treatment center in Sierra Leone.

Previous infections of the virus have been through blood or bodily fluid contact with an infected individual. This is the first time that the virus has been spread through masturbation.

Ebola is contained in the ejaculate of the infected. As […]

Faithfact #448 – T-Rex’s Short Arms

July 24, 2014 17

Faith Fact #448

DID YOU KNOW?

 

The mighty dragon, T-Rex, once had arms like that of a man but was PUNISHED by God for masturbating and cursed with the short arms he now has

Masturbation Linked to Higher Crime Rates

July 15, 2014 6

Safford, AZ

 

Breaking news from the groundbreaking think tank Foundation For a Better Tomorrow. Masturbation has been seen to have a direct causation into incarceration rates and criminal activity. The study was done over a multi-year period, supervised by the best Faith Scientists on the BLUFF campus.

 

It seems as though FaithFacts have now proved that the act of self-rape is not only incestuous and an act of homosexuality, it is a leading cause of crime in the United States.

Funding was derived […]

Masturbation Mythbusters: Medical Masturbation – The Dismal ScLIEnce

May 30, 2014 5

Myth:

It is OK to let doctors masturbate me because scLIEnce says that I must allow them to smear my paps!

Status: B U S T E D!

Nice try ladies! This line of reasoning completely falls apart when one considers the findings of The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, which clearly establishes that any mitigation of health outcomes attributed to medical masturbation fall well bellow the threshold for statistical significance. Moreover, it has been clearly demonstrated that petitioning for divine intervention yields […]

Breaking News: Portland Oregon Water Contaminated With Semen… Thousands at Risk

May 23, 2014 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)— About 670,000 residents in Oregon were advised Friday to boil drinking water after several tests showed semen in some water samples, the Portland Water Bureau said.

Hipsters masturbating in the towns mountainous reservoirs is most likely the cause. Masturbation is one of the fastest methods for spreading disease.

 

The boil water advisory is issued to about 670,000 customers in the Portland Water Bureau and the Burlington, City of Gresham (north of Interstate 84), Lake Grove, Lorna Portland Water, Palatine Hill, Rockwood, […]

Masturbator Unleashes Firenado!

May 9, 2014 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)— This morning a Florida man was masturbating when the friction of him touching his sinstick caused a firenado. As we know masturbation is wrong and the wages of self-rape are death. Please remember to help work to make masturbation

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