Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

March 6, 2017 13

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the pages of their history books onto their faces. It is because of this that the SMN Ministries has begun a series of revisions to these fables to correct inaccuracies using historically based FaithFacts™.

The period after the fall of Poland and before the Nazi Blitzkreeg of […]

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

November 23, 2016 3

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room.

The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in their room at the Hotel Benavidez in Texarkana.

The family, whose name will not be revealed, returned from a functioning lunch when the maternal parent discovered a faint almond odor when entering […]

BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

November 17, 2015 3

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept 10,000 Syrians into the country over the next year.

“I will not stand complicit to a policy that places our campus in Arizona in the hands of self-rapists,” a spokesperson for […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Diogo Dias Cortérro

July 20, 2015 1

Diogo Dias Cortérro

(1460-1525)

A Spirited man of a rock-solid Christian foundation, Diogo Dias Cortérro was much more than an explorer during the Age of European Expansion. Cortérro was born in Vigo, Spain to a devout couple within the moral confines of wedlock (1460). His early years were spent in work and study, always with his hands far away from his pubic serpent and always with one slightly wind-dampened eye looking West toward the vast sea dreaming of one day sailing […]